


Forget me not

by melissen



Category: due South
Genre: Fraser top, From friends to lovers, Love Confessions, M/M, Post-Call of the Wild, Romance, Temporary Amnesia, bottom Ray, side pairing Diefenbaker/Ante, slowly building
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-17
Updated: 2015-05-15
Packaged: 2018-03-18 09:01:30
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 43,869
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3563894
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/melissen/pseuds/melissen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Another amnesia fan fic. Ray doesn't remember who he is but what he remembers doesn't affect the way he feels. He knows what he wants no matter what others tell him.</p><p>or: a story about lots of assuptions.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> My first Due South ff ever. English is not my first language!

It felt like a hangover. A really bad one, when you’re sick and can’t remember how you gotten home or even where the fuck have you been and with who. His head hurt. His eyelids hurt. Actually, everything hurt like all hell, even his blood! He felt like shit so he didn’t bother to stop the low, frustrated growl that ripped through his throat as he tried to sit up. 

The room was too fucking bright and there was something stuck to his arm... an IV...?

“What the...”

“Ray!” A blond woman was pushing him down, back to the lying position. He heard people moving around in the room but had no idea who she was calling. 

“Who’s Ray?” He was pretty sure he didn’t know any Ray... 

The woman’s ice blue eyes widened and blinked few times before, to his great surprise, she playfully slapped his arm.

“It’s not funny Ray, I was worried sick about you!”

Stabbing pain shot through his skull making his eyes water. What the hell was going on? Who was that chick and where the hell was he? Why? And... oh fuck... he didn’t even know who HE was....

The woman was still looking at him intently but something in her gaze changed. She was squeezing his shoulder for another long moment, looking at him so hopefully. But he didn’t know what to say. Some kind looking older fellow pulled her gently away and hugged. Was the man her father? He called her Stella...

“Ray... Are you alright?” The man spoke calmly but his eyes were shining from unshed tears. So, apparently ‘the Ray’ was him. The woman was still talking to him but all he could say was the truth.

“I... ‘m sorry babe, I don’t know you...” And unsurprisingly it made her sob. She tried to hide it but her eyes were red and her voice was breaking.

Ray looked around the room, noticing quite a few people gathered in the small cramped space around his bed. That older guy was with a woman, most probably his wife. There was also a girl with big head dressed in pink and... his eyes immediately stopped at a tall figure in the back, shying in the furthest corner with an unreadable, blank face. 

The man stood out and Ray couldn’t really pinpoint why. It wasn’t anything in particular. It was more like everything about him just held Ray’s attention, from the guy’s old fashioned hair, through his stiff posture, pale skin, dark brown uniform and all the way to the look in his bright eyes. Ray was staring, trying hard to remember.

“I know you, right?” The man was standing behind everyone else trying to keep his face blank but when Ray spoke his straight face changed and he gasped quietly in surprise. Ray felt a surge of childish satisfaction seeing how the man opened and closed his mouth like a fish, as if he couldn't believe that Ray actually spoke to him out of all people. He even cast a questioning look at others to make sure before he answered.

“Um... yes, Ray. You know all of us actually. These people are your family.” He looked so formal and stuck up that Ray almost laughed. Almost. He didn't really because when he tried to move his eyes away from the sharp angles of the guy’s jaw he realised he couldn't. It seemed too troublesome to move his eyes. They were fine where they were.

“No... I don’t know them...”

“Do you know  _me_  then? What is my name?” The man tilted his head, his hands hidden behind his back, holding something.

“I...” Ray flushed. He didn’t know. For all he knew it could be the very first time he had ever seen the man, but of course he just had to blurt out something stupid.

“I duno. I just think I know you...”

“Well you do, but… I...” The man choked on his words and had to clear his throat and lick his lips to be able to speak again. Then he pulled on his collar nervously and scratched his eyebrow. When he finally seemed ready to explain he settled for:

“I’ll call the doctor.”

And he quickly disappeared behind the door.

Ray closed his eyes. He was tired and he was making a fool of himself in front of some guy who kind of looked like a soldier... Maybe it was just some fucked up dream. Maybe he would wake up with a normal hangover in a few hours and everything would be just fine?

But the doctor didn’t let him sleep. He was forcing light into Ray’s sore eyes asking a bunch of stupid questions Ray didn’t know answers to and he asked everyone to leave the room. Even HIM.

“Wait...!” Ray stupidly tried to sit up again, but the piercing pain in every fibre of his body had won once again and he fell back onto the pillows. “Wait…” But he needed to stop that person because... well... He wasn’t sure why...

They all stopped in their tracks sending him hopeful looks, but  he just ignored them and looked at that guy again. He tried not to smirk at how the ‘boy scout’ was politely holding the door for everyone else.

“What’s your name?” He just had to know. He waited in anticipation and watched as the man took some air into his lungs, as if he were preparing himself for much more than simply a name, but then his mouth opened and closed and then opened again... He seemed to be looking for the right words. Just how many names the guy could have?!

“Benton.” And he nodded his head officially, but there was something wrong with this scene and Ray couldn’t put his finger on it. It pained him.

“That’s...” Ray didn’t even know what to say, how to describe that discomfort he felt. “That’s not right...”

The brunet was looking at him quizzically and rubbed his eyebrow some more with his knuckle.

“How so?”

“Well... there’s.... more, right?” Almost as if the guy really should have five more names or something.

That pale, serious face finally gave in, cracking into the smallest and the subtlest of smiles, which still managed to light up the whole room, and made Ray answer with his own stupid, lopsided grin.

“How about this, then? Constable Benton Fraser, Royal Canadian Mounted Police.” Fraser paused and studied Ray’s face, watching as it lit up. The ghost of a smile on his own lips becoming more prominent as he continued. “I first came to Chicago on the trail of the killers of my father and for reasons that don’t need exploring at this juncture I remained attached as liaison to the Canadian Consulate.”

By the end of his speech Ray was grinning from ear to ear. That was it. That was exactly what he expected to hear. He didn’t remember, but he just knew that this was the right speech. Now, wasn’t that truly amazing how his brilliant mind worked, even while damaged?! 

But then the blond woman from before was already pushing the Mountie out of the room; through the door, but judging from her facial expression she would surely rather use a window.

“That’s enough, Constable! Your elaborate speeches can wait.”

“It’s actually a Corporal now Ma’am. My apologies, and to you too Ray. I am really sorry. I assumed you expected me to say all this in the same manner I often did in the past, to trigger your...”

 “Enough!” The woman was clearly losing her patience, but hearing the Mountie’s another attempt to talk only made Ray smile again.  

“That’s right.” Sadly, the doctor was on her side, so Ray had no other choice than to give up, and let them have their way. Still he managed to wink at Ben before the man made it through the door with another polite nod.

Then there was no escaping from the depressing truth which had been revealed to him slowly in a tormenting process of physical examination, the doctor’s scrutinizing look and a torrent of different kinds of questions.

He stared dumbly at his reflection in a small mirror that a nurse provided for him and he didn’t really know what to think. He looked kind of badass... He liked his haircut; a bit experimental but pretty cool. He kind of hoped he would be smoking hot, like that Mountie guy, but this wasn’t all that bad either... Could be worse.

“Do you remember anything about any of the people that were here earlier? Your parents maybe?”

“Those were MY parents? I was pretty sure they were that blond chick’s...”

“Your wife?” Ray’s eyebrows shoot up.

“That was my wife?!” Now, if you asked him he would probably say she was out of his league…

“You’re divorced actually. And Corporal Fraser?”

Ray smirked. He liked the sound of that.

“Not really... no.” The smile dropped from his face. “I just... I don’t know. He seemed.... Familiar... but no, I didn’t really recognize him. Who is he? Do I really know him?”

“Oh yes. Corporal Fraser is your partner.”

Ray’s jaw dropped and his face flushed instantly. He was glad he was laying down because with all his blood escaping from his brain to his cheeks he would probably feel dizzy.

“P-partner?” His heart was pounding in his chest making the machine in the corner beep like crazy.  So Frazer was his... Wow... The guy had looks, Ray would give him that! But Ray didn’t exactly expect to be gay... though in all truth he had no time to think about it yet. It was true that he didn’t even think to ogle any of the women that were earlier in the room but he had a lot going on and trying to get his head around it all. Then again he  _did_  manage to ogle Fraser ...

“I meant work, detective. You are partnered with corporal Fraser due to his liaison job with Chicago PD... I didn’t mean -...” The doctor just gestured with his hands as if he didn’t even want to speak the words.

“Oh...” Oh? How in the whole fucking hell could he sound so honestly disappointed? He was straight, for crying out loud! He was sure of that. Pretty sure. Mostly. 

“It’s up to you and the rest of your close ones to talk about your past. Right now anything can become a trigger to bring it back. The memories are still there. It’s just that you locked them up somewhere and to say it simply, you need to find the key. I’m sure that surrounded by such a loving family and devoted friends you will have no trouble recovering.”

“Alright, so.... What should I do now? Can I go home?” 

“Soon. We still need to perform some examinations. Then, I suppose, it would be the best for you to stay with your family, your parents maybe? Also Ms. Kowalski – your ex-wife – seems very eager to help you...”

“Woha! Hold on a sec!” Ray could feel cold sweat on his back. He really didn’t want to go and live with some strangers. He surely had a home somewhere, right? “Bad idea.”

“You’ll do whatever makes you feel comfortable. Don’t push it. But also, don’t push those people away because this situation is also hard on them, you know? You’re not the only one affected.”

“Yeah, I get it..." Ray mumbled fiddling with his blanket. "So... I work with him, huh?”

The  doctor gave Ray a puzzled look and the amnesiac had to admit to himself that maybe he shouldn’t have said that... Or more like he definitely shouldn’t and had no idea where it came from. “I’ll just... can I sleep now? My head hurts like hell.”

“Of course, detective. I’ll make sure you have peace and quiet and I’ll send your visitors home for the day. Some of them surely need it.”

Ray almost asked if the Mountie was one of those people, but he caught himself in time. He already felt like a freak paying so much attention to some guy in uniform...

He could hear sobbing on the other side of the door…

 

TBC


	2. Chapter 2

Next time Ray woke up he was less confused seeing white walls and a nurse changing his IV.

“Oh, Detective, you’re awake? May I tell corporal Fraser?”

“He’s here?”

“Oh, corporal Fraser is here all the time, since your arrival.” Something in her tone or in the way she said it instantly grated on Ray’s nerves.  “He was really eager to talk to you. He must be a really good friend.”

“Yeah, I guess…” Ray was sure but technically he did not have any memories to support this belief.

“So… Um…. is he single? I didn’t see a ring on his finger, you know...”

Ray’s blood boiled. “How should I know? I have AMNESIA. Does it ring any bells?”

“Oh, right… I’m sorry. Let me call him in…”

The nurse grabbed the door handle and almost bumped into Stella walking into the room.

“Ray! You’re awake! How wonderful. I had to be in the Court House at 11:00 but now I’m free. I’ll stay as long as you want.”

“Um… hi…um… Stella was it?”

“Exactly. The name’s Stella. How are you feeling, Ray?”

“Good. I’m good.”

“That’s wonderful, honey. Did you think about the arrangements after they sign you out of the hospital?”

“Arrangements?”

“Well… obviously, you can’t stay alone in your apartment. But don’t worry. I’ll take care of you…”

“Look lady… um, Stella… I think it’s completely unnecessary.” The woman’s enthusiasm diminished slightly. “Seriously. I’ll be fine, so… What are you doing here?”

“What do you mean, honey? I came to see you of course.”

“Oh… ok…”

“Do you need anything?”

Ray ignored his growling stomach.

“No, I’m cool. Have you seen Fraser? That nurse was supposed to call him in…”

Ray’s mind bombarded him with images of  that nurse flirting with the Mountie and stopping him from visiting. When the long awaited knock on the door finally came Ray beamed and shouted at the door.

”Come in!”

As expected Fraser strode into the room holding a bunch of stuff, including a box of food that instantly made Ray’s mouth water.

“Hello, Ray!”

His face was brightened by a very nice smile, which fell instantly at the sight of Stella.

“Oh… I’ll wait outside.”

“No! Fraser! Stay!”

“Are you sure, Ray? I would hate to impose on…”

“Come on, Fraser! Stay.” Ray was grinning again. It was like having a cramp in his face muscles when Fraser was around and Ray really needed to cure it soon or they would think he’s crazy on top of his already fucked up state.

“I brought you something to eat. You’ve been sleeping for quite a while. You must be starving.”

Ray’s stomach growled in quite obvious answer but the blond detective’s attention was focused on Fraser’s hat, which he dropped onto Ray’s bed, beside his sheet covered feet. For some reason it made Ray happy. It felt strangely intimate and personal.  

“Ray, honey, why didn’t you tell me you were hungry?”

Ray was already devouring the Chinese takeout Fraser brought him.

“What? Um… I thought I wasn’t, but when I saw food… you know… That’s just greatness… delicious.”

Fraser watched him with disturbingly tender look in his eyes.

“It’s your favourite, actually. I thought you might be hungry when you wake up, so I went to buy some of those and…”

Fraser turned around and picked up his satchel.

“…I decided to drop to your apartment to feed the turtle. While I was there I was thinking what you may need and I brought you this...” He handed Ray some worn out magazine with a black classic car on the front cover and some equally worn out t-shirt. Ray took it, but his eyes were more on Fraser’s face than on the gifts.

“Thanks buddy.”

Fraser grinned. 

“What?” And Ray blushed.

“Nothing. That’s how you usually address people. You call me ‘buddy’ quite often. You are making wonderful progress.”

Ray couldn’t stop smiling like a total dope.

“Constable?” Stella clearly didn’t like it one bit. “How did you get into Ray’s apartment? Did you take his key without permission?”

Fraser straightened up and stood at parade rest, with hands behind his back. He ignored how she omitted his rank. “I would never do such a thing, madam. Ray gave me his spare key.”

Stella huffed truly outraged.

“So... um...” Ray wasn’t ready to hear them fight in front of him. His head was much better but still sensitive. “So, I have a turtle, huh?”

“Yes. Would you like me to bring him for you?”

“No.... I don’t think so, but... I...” Something, not an image but still some sort of memory or sensation flashed through Ray’s mind. “I have this... feeling...”

“About your turtle?”

“No, I don’t think so... Do you...” Ray could feel warmth creeping into his traitorous cheeks again. It was unnerving. “Do you, by any means, have a pet I could possibly want to see?”

The Mountie’s face almost split in two with a smile that Ray found absolutely breath taking. One nervous look to the corner of the room made the amnesiac sigh with relief seeing that he was no longer attached to the stupid beeping machine betraying his emotions.

“Yes, as a matter of fact I do. He will be so happy when I tell him you remembered.”

And Ray was grinning like a loon again. It was hopeless. “So, what kind of animal is he?”

Fraser opened his mouth to answer but stopped himself and rubbed his eyebrow with a knuckle.

“You tell me, Ray. You know him.”

“I can’t remember, Fraser. I’m sorry.”

“Please, Ray. The memories are there, just lost... try to find them. Please?” Ray was pretty sure that all his memories actually went to hell, but who wouldn’t try for  _those_  pleading eyes?

“Ok, since he’s your pet he must be something... really special, huh? And loyal, like those dogs saving people’s lives in some snowy mountains… but it can’t be a dog. It must be something… wild and free and dangerous like… a tiger or something…but loyal to you... Maybe it is a dog after all? No! Don’t tell me. It‘s not a dog. It would be too normal for you...  And not a tiger... too crazy...” And then between one heartbeat and another he just knew. “He’s a wolf, right?”

“Yes, Ray. You’re doing really great. You’ll have your memories back in no time. What colour is he?”

Ray didn’t remember, but when he looked into Fraser’s pure eyes, so open, trusting and fucking beautiful, he could think of only one colour pure enough to suit Fraser’s guardian angel. 

“He’s white.” And just looking at Fraser’s happy face he knew he got that one right too. Ray would be happy to spend the rest of his life making Fraser smile like that...

“What’s his name, Ray?”

“No, Fraser, come on. It’s too hard.”

“What‘s his name? What do you say when he tries to steal your doughnut or licks your ears? What name do you yell?”

“Probably, Fraser, get him off me?”

And Fraser laughed. It was short and hardly above a breath but it was there. Something was telling Ray that Fraser didn’t laugh much…

“True, but he rarely listens to me when doughnuts or licking is involved. He’s deaf so he pretends he doesn’t see me saying those things. So, what’s his name, Ray?”

“Stop this already!” Stella stood from her chair, scowling at the surprised Canadian.

“Can’t you see what you’re doing? He’s hurt and tired and you shower him with questions he can’t possibly answer.”

“Of course he can. He just did actually. He answered every single one just fine. Come on, Ray? What’s his name?” So far Ray was pretty sure he was just lucky to guess the answers, but this one was hard. He was looking into Fraser’s hopeful eyes as if they held all the answers and after almost a minute of staring like hypnotized, unknowingly driving his ex-wife nuts, he whispered.

“Dief...?”

He choked on the word seeing those blue eyes water with tears that Ray just knew would never fall, because just as Fraser didn’t laugh, he didn’t cry and something about that realisation unsettled Ray. 

He wanted to see Fraser happy, to see him letting go and giving in. It must have been very tiring to be always so cool and collected, to always keep his guard up...

“Ray, you’re getting better. See, it’s not permanent. You’re getting better with every minute.”

Neither of them remembered about the woman still present in the room.

“Ok, honey, now my turn. What is my middle name?”

It looked like a really painful task for Ray to move his eyes to Stella and when he did, he tried to find the answer in her eyes but it just didn’t work...

“I... I’m afraid I don’t know.”

“Ok, maybe it was too difficult. How about my favourite colour… or food…”

“Um… sorry.”

“Just try harder, Ray, please...” So Ray tried harder. He needed to guess more things right to make Fraser happy for few more seconds. But no matter how hard he tried, all he managed to get was a headache.

“That’s alright, sweetheart. Don’t push it. That man’s questions must have been very tiring for you. Just sleep some more and I’ll get to you later, alright? I’ll bring some pictures from our wedding...”

“Fine...” He really was tired. Fraser was already halfway to the door, but still he stopped and smiled.

“I’m very proud of you, Ray. You’re doing really great.”

Suddenly Ray’s tiredness was completely forgotten along with the rest of his lost memories and all he wanted to do was smile and make Fraser proud.

“Fraser...”

“Yes Ray?”

“Do you always wear this uniform?” That dreamy and overly emotional smile vanished from Fraser’s lips and he frowned.

“Not always.” He fixed his tie and shot Ray another curious look, a playful smirk dancing in the corner of his lips showing his sharp fang. “What colour is my usual uniform, Ray?”

“That’s it! You, stop this, right now!” Stella snapped and for a moment Ray felt some ridiculous fear that she would hit Fraser but the Mountie didn’t even blink at her outburst.

“What colour?” It was crazy. He had no fucking idea! It somehow worked earlier but then suddenly stopped working and Ray was afraid he wouldn’t make it this time. And he would have to face Fraser’s disappointed eyes. He didn’t want to see that. He needed to remember. He had to do it somehow and he almost believed he could. Just as Fraser said, and if Fraser said that the memories were still there then they had to be!

And that was some impressive trust he had in this man he didn’t even really know….

He focused on his friend’s face and body and once again searched for the answer in the man’s blue eyes.

“I don’t know the colour of your serge-…” Ray’s words suddenly died on his lips when he realised he actually knew… “It’s red, isn’t it? It is. You don’t have to tell me. I can already see you wearing it and fiddling with the lanyard.”

Frazer stood frozen to the spot with his jaw literally dropped.

“You said ‘lanyard’.”

“So… Isn’t that what they call that noose around your neck?”

“For all those months we knew each other you called it various names, mostly starting with ‘L’ but you’ve never, not even once, said the right name.”

“So?? What of it?”

“You knew all along. You were just teasing me on purpose.”

Ray was grinning again. “Maybe I knew but forgot and now I’ve found that long lost memory?”

“Sure you did.” Fraser smiled back, equally happy. “You were making fun of my favourite uniform.”

“Ok, maybe… I don’t know, because I can’t remember.” As if Ray’s wide smile was not enough he added a playful wink to conclude his words. Fraser’s face softened even more and Ray really wanted him to stay but didn’t know how to stop him.

“So… what kind of a name is Dief?”

“Actually his name is Diefenbaker, but you never call him that…”

“Ok, so, what kind of a name is Diefenbaker?”

“John Diefenbaker  was the 13th Prime Minister of Canada, serving from June 21, 1957, to April 22, 1963. He was quite an amazing character.”

“Really? How?”

‘For example, he appointed the first female minister in Canadian history to his Cabinet, as well as the first aboriginal member of the Senate. During his six years as Prime Minister, his government obtained passage of the Canadiam Bill of Rights and granted the vote to the First Nations and Inuit people. In foreign policy, his stance against apartheid helped secure the departure of South Africa from the Commonwealth of Nations, but his indecision on whether to accept Bomarc nuclear missiles from the United States led to his government's downfall.”

Stella cleared her throat. “Thank you for the lecture on Canadian history, Constable, but Ray needs to rest.” Fraser instantly stood up, ready to leave.

“I do not! I’m really not tired. Tell me more.”

“About John Diefenbaker?”

“About… anything…”

“Alright then, if you’re sure, how about I’ll tell you some things about you?”

“Sounds fair…”

“No it doesn’t!” Stella’s voice cut through the air. “You’ve met him few months ago while I know you since we were eight. I was your wife for years. I believe I am the one who should tell you about yourself.”

Fraser, still standing, raised his hands in a placating gesture. “I’m sorry. As I said earlier I’ll just wait outside and if you’re still up for my visit later, I’ll be right there, in the hallway.”

“Wait! Stay.”

“No, Ray. She’s right. The things you can learn from  her are much more important than my wolf’s name and Canadian history.”

“Apparently not for my mind. It seems very fond of your wolf.”

Ben gave him another warm smile, a bit apologetic this time. “Maybe. But I still think I should wait for my turn. I will see you later, Ray.”

That afternoon Stella talked for hours about their childhood friendship, high school puppy love and their marriage. Ray’s mind remained completely blank. Nothing rang any bells. Or it was even worse, like his mind refused to listen. For the most part Ray stayed silent, his mind drifting off to the Mountie waiting in the hall. He was pretty sure that those rabid nurses were trying to entertain him out there…

“Honey… Don’t you want to ask me anything?” He had no idea what she was talking about for the last 15 minutes but, yes, there was something he wanted to know.

“Yeah, there’s this thing... How did I meet Fraser?”

Stella’s eyes widened in sheer disbelief. “Is this really all you want to know? Him?”

And Ray realised there was another thing he wanted to know. “You don’t like him, do you?”

“No, I don’t.”

“Why?”

“Why should I? Why are you talking about him in the first place? Why can’t we talk about us?”

“Well… to be honest I can’t remember us or anything you were talking about. I’m sorry.”

“No, Ray.  _I_  am sorry. Because you remember his dog’s name and some ridiculous names of every button in his uniform, but you have no idea that we were married for almost fifteen years and that we practically shared our lives since we were eight!”

“Calm down...”Ray really didn’t want to make her cry. He wanted to remember, but he couldn’t help it…

“Yesterday we were having lunch Ray, remember?”

The pain that shot through his skull was excruciating. Tears welled up in his eyes and a gut wrenching scream ripped through his throat. He grabbed his skull fearing that it would break otherwise.

“Oh my God, Ray! What’s wrong?”

He was suddenly covered in sweat and Fraser was looming over him, checking his pulse, temperature and breathing. It was ok. If Fraser was there then  he would be fine so he just closed his eyes and drifted off.

Fraser stood by the window, rooted in place like a tree while the doctor was checking Ray’s pulse, temperature and breathing. Stella was pacing around the room.

“Doctor, what happened to him?”

“I believe it was a panic attack. What happened here?”

Ray was calm now, drifting on the edge of sleep.  
  
“I…” Stella knew it was her fault. “I… started to cry, because… He couldn’t remember anything about us… I tried to tell him about our lunch together yesterday and he just… started to scream… He was in so much pain…”  
  
Ray didn’t want to listen about than again but he wanted them to think he was asleep. Then Fraser would stay and others would leave them alone.

“Ma’am…” Ray didn’t expect Fraser to speak to Stella. He wasn’t sure why but it just seemed… strange.

“There is no reason for you to cry. I’m sure Ray will be himself in no time. As you’ve had a chance to see he already remembers quite a lot of things from his past. It’s now up to us to help him trigger more memories and be here for him when he struggles. Believe me, crying is not productive in this situation.”

“Non-productive?” Stella scoffed at him. “Maybe in your cold Canadian heart you can stay cool and calm when someone gets hurt but normal people can’t! We feel, we worry and we cry. And it’s none of your goddamn business, so stay out of it!”

“With all due respect, madam, I will not. Ray is my friend and I will be here for him as long as he needs me.”

The woman gritted her teeth.

“Friend? You call yourself his friend? You just drag  him around the city putting him in danger all the time, exploiting his friendship and loyalty for your own crazy, and supposedly righteous, ideas.”

Fraser was silent, apparently confused and taken aback. Was he there when Ray had gotten hurt. From what he had been told he was with Stella at the time, but that was something he didn’t need to think about right now. So, Fraser wasn’t supposed to be there when Ray hit his head.

“It’s all your fault!”

That almost made Ray speak up in Fraser’s defence but his curiosity had won and he stayed silent, with his eyes closed, seemingly asleep.

“I told him not to go. It was his free time, off duty! It was OUR date! But he just rushed in like a fool, grinning, and saying that he had to, or Fraser would talk his ears off.”

So he did something crazy to look good in the Mountie’s eyes, huh? Go figure…

Until now Ray was pretty sure that Stella hated Fraser because she was jealous, but maybe she really didn’t like him because she loved Ray and wanted him to stay safe?

Fraser swallowed hard. His hesitation and silence was grating on Ray’s nerves. Why wasn’t he speaking? Those accusations were absurd and mean but Fraser’s lack of instant reaction was showing that the Mountie didn’t see it that way.

“I’m sorry for what had happened to Ray, but it was his own decision to take action, and as his partner I believe that it was the right thing to do. Had I been there, surely it would be me to jump in the situation and he would be there to shoot from hiding and call for back up. I’m not trying to say it wasn’t my fault but I also refuse to acknowledge that the brave thing Ray did had been wrong, because I trust him enough to _know_ that it wasn’t.”

Finally the doctor still present in the room decided that maybe he shouldn’t be there to listen to them argue and cleared his throat.

“Excuse me.”

“Doctor!” She was grabbing the man’s arm, standing with her back to Fraser, successfully blocking his eye contact with the medic. “What is really going on with Ray?”

“It’s retrograde amnesia. We still need to run some tests and he will have appointed therapy sessions, at least twice a week. He should be able to leave the hospital in few days.”

“I will take him home with me.” Stella was frowning at her father in law.

“Actually, from what he had said earlier I already know he’s against living with a family he can’t remember. He will want to stay at his place. Is he living alone?”

“Well, yes, but I could move in with him and take care...” 

“That would be his decision to make, Ms. Kowalski, not mine.”

“Of course. But you could advise...”

 “As I said, Ms. Kowalski, HIS decision, are we clear?”

She nodded, visibly disappointed. “Mr. Kowalski will need all the support that he can get right now but it will require patience and time. Anything can trigger his memories so try everything that comes to mind. Tell him stories, show videotapes, photographs....” 

The doctor looked around and his eyes stopped on Fraser who was once again shying by the door, but listening attentively. “Doctor?”

“Yes, corporal?...”

“Sir, correct me if I'm wrong, but commonly agreed features of organic amnesic syndromes include normal intelligence and attention span, with severe and permanent difficulties in taking in new information. Personality and identity are unaffected..."

The doctor rubbed his forehead and nodded. He looked tired and probably older than he really was. "I'm afraid you are correct, corporal."

“Oh…” Fraser had a gal to be surprised with his own observation being accurate.

"I hoped you would provide me with some exceptions…”

“The causal explanation of retrograde amnesia is under investigation, however, it is commonly associated with head injuries or traumas, Korsakoff syndrome, and individuals suffering from anterograde amnesia….”

“Alright then…” Fraser tormented his right eyebrow for a moment. “Maybe you could recommend some particular brain exercises, like puzzles, reading upside down, or even physical workout? From what I’ve read once, a study in Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences found that individuals who did aerobic exercise regularly had significantly increased blood flow to the memory-related areas of their brain in just three months.” Ray found himself enjoying Fraser’s voice. He wasn’t even really listening to his words, already brushing them off as too difficult to follow, but simply hearing the man’s voice was calming him down. Discreetly Ray peeked from under his eyelashes to watch him speak as he continued.

“Additionally, they scored better on memory tests. Although it has not been proven, many experts suspect that the physical exercise may also stimulate the growth of new cells in the memory-related areas of the brain.” 

The doctor’s eyes were winding with the Mountie’s every word, but his face brightened, reducing the years added by tiredness.

 “That is very impressive, corporal, and it is in fact true. I’m sure during the therapy sessions detective Kowalski’s therapist will instruct him about the possibilities.”

“Alright then. Thank you, Sir. Still, if you could spare me a minute at some point, I would like to ask your opinion on Psychotherapy, cognitive therapy, medication and some creative therapies maybe. I thought about Clinical hypnosis or Eriksonian hypnotherapy though I’m not sure if it’s recommended in this case? I must point out that Ray proved to be very responsive to the method in the past.”

“Well, I can see that you weren’t wasting your time...”

“Excuse me?”

“You read all this in just one night?”

“No, I actually read about it pretty long time ago so I’m sure my knowledge on the subject is strongly outdated.”

“Alright, corporal Fraser. I was about to have something to eat now. Would you like to accompany me to the cafeteria downstairs? They serve some excellent soups on Wednesdays.”

“If it’s not a trouble, I would love to, doctor. Thank you.”

“Fantastic. I’m actually looking forward to our conversation.”

And so they went down the stairs already completely lost in conversation about amnesia. Ray planned to wait for Fraser to come back, but his mind drifted off as soon as he stopped hearing Fraser’s voice.

 

TBC


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mizelle - thank you very much for the comment. This chapter is dedicated to you.

 

Hours after Ray’s attack, when he woke up in the middle of a night, Fraser was there, right beside his bed, reading a book. Ray watched his calm pale face lit by the dim light from the hallway. It was really fucking gorgeous, all sharp angles and smooth skin. Well…. Mostly smooth. A slight dark shadow of a stubble was beginning to show making Fraser’s features even more dashing. Ray turned to his side to take a better look. Fraser heard the sheets moving and when he turned his head away from his book his eyes met a pair of very sleepy looking brown ones, watching him lazily form under the long blond eyelashes.

“Hey buddy…” Ray, still half asleep and smiling like that, made Fraser instantly smile in return.

“Hello, Ray.”

“Where are we?”

“Still in the hospital, I’m afraid.” Ray had heard that the personnel didn’t allow anyone to stay but apparently they were willing to make an exception for one hot guy in uniform.

“Oh, right… the hospital… I want to leave this place. I want to go home.” He wriggled for a moment and then settled on one side, facing Ben. “Tell me about my home?”

“Of course.” Fraser put away his book, turn the chair to face his friend and put his elbows on his knees. “You have a very nice apartment; spacious, comfortable and so full of you in character it makes me smile every time I walk in.”

“Apartment?” Strange… “I… I kind of remember a house… with a fireplace…warm and cosy...”

“Well, maybe it’s your parents’ house?”

“I think they said the live in a trail.”

“From your childhood then? What else do you remember?” Ray was fascinated with the way Fraser’s hands sometimes did half the talking. Normally he kept his hands locked behind his back but now they were moving enthusiastically all around the place. Ray liked that.

“I remember a bear skin rug in front of a fireplace. The bear’s head has one ear ripped… or something… and I play with it… I put a Santa hat on its head… There is snow on the window and….it’s so good and so warm… There’s chopped wood in an old basket by the door… funny boots covered in snow, drying on a red doormat…. mismatched cups and plates in the kitchen, all of different colours… coffee… the smell of dried meat and fire and something cooking… it’s really… perfect...” Warmth and love and… just home. Fraser was looking at him with eyes so wide and shiny that for a moment Ray thought he said something wrong and Fraser is going to burst into tears. He wanted to ask but then Fraser spoke.

“Diefenbaker almost bit off the bear’s ear.” He pulled at his own right ear and licked his lower lip. “We shot him last summer… He scratched my arm.”

Fraser showed three faded but still nasty scars on his forearm, just below the rolled up sleeve of his khaki shirt.

“We…?” Now Ray’s eyes widened in shock. “So it’s not my home, huh?.... It’s yours.”

“Well…. not so much. I mean, it’s my cabin but I don’t live there. I live here. We have spent a lot of time there, before the quest and then on summer vacation. Then you insisted to spent there the last Christmas… And I have this feeling that your parents still blame me for it… But I don’t think I would call it a home…”

“You know what they say, buddy, home is where the heart is.”

So Ray’s heart was in Canada…?! Weird. Ray wondered where was Fraser’s heart.

“Could we go there again?”

“Any time you wish, Ray. You have already planned our vacation there. I’m almost sure you’ve already bought our plane tickets…”

He felt sudden urge to go there, almost as if it would solve all his problems. But he didn’t dare to ask Fraser. He knew the man took some days off to be there with him in this difficult time. Imposing on him any more than that, would be just cruel.

“So, I have an apartment…. Um… Is it filthy?”

“Not filthy, no…”

“I can hear it in your voice. It is filthy. I knew it.”

“It is not. It’s just the way you organize things… Or at least that’s what you claim it is. Nevertheless it surely isn’t filthy. While I’ve been feeding your turtle I picked up all the-…” Fraser gestured around with his hands trying to show the variety of things he probably picked up around Ray’s place.

“What are you saying, Frase? You cleaned my apartment?” Ray was grinning like a loon again.

“Just… few things…” And Fraser was blushing. “Never mind. Your apartment is lovely. I hope you will be back there soon.”

“And what about yours?” Ray paused, unsure if he was ready to hear the truth. ”I’m sure you have someone to pick up your stuff and wait for you at your home while you sit here, reading a book…”

“I... I don’t really have a home, Ray. My apartment building burned down on the day we’ve met each other. It’s…. almost two years since I started to spend nights in my office, in the Consulate. So no, no one picks up my things except me and I’m pretty sure that the consulate is empty at this time of a night and that no one waits for me… anywhere actually.”

Ray was suddenly hit by such an overwhelming wave of pure relief that it made him drowsy. “I’m glad…”

“You are glad that I’m homeless and lonely?” The Mountie sounded outraged but his eyes were smiling so Ray couldn’t hold up a laugh. “No, you freak.” He reached his hand out and grabbed Fraser’s tie to pull him closer. “That you can stay with me.” He didn’t let go, so Fraser put his elbows on the bed.

“Actually I should go to the consulate today to shave and change my clothes. Maybe I’ll do it when Ms. Kowalski comes to visit you.”

Ray didn’t think Fraser needed any refreshing. He smelled great and looked incredible. Even his hair was still perfect.

And he didn’t want to be left alone with Stella again.

“She hates you. Why?”

That made Fraser’s shoulders drop by an inch and sigh. So it was confirmed now. Stella really hated him and Fraser probably knew why.

“I have no clue, Ray. I can’t recall ever having a real conversation with her so I don’t really know how could I offend her... I merely spoke to her once…”

“About?”

“About you, Ray. I… Maybe I overstepped… the boundaries, but I couldn’t stand the way she treated you and I spoke… I… Maybe I shouldn’t have, but she was putting you down… accusing you of stalking her – which was probably true but she was completely missing the point that you saved her life, risking your own. I couldn’t let her…” He paused and took a deep  breath. “I’m sorry if it hurts you that we don’t get along. But I refuse to say I am sorry for what I’ve said to her back then, because I’m not.”

“Was I angry that you did it?”

“I don’t know. You just… dropped your head and you apologised to her in this defeated tone of voice I really… truly hated to hear from you.”

“You’re the best buddy ever, Fraser.” To make his point even more obvious Ray tugged at Fraser’s tie few times. “And it’s impossible to not like you!” Another tug.

“Ray!” Another tug. “Ray!”

The blond cop was grinning but not tugging anymore. “It’s not true, Ray, and you know it. There is no person who is liked by absolutely everyone.”

“She’s crazy.” To Fraser’s unhidden relief Ray’s hand finally let go of the tie and found some rest on Fraser’s shoulder, kind of circling his neck.

“Don’t say that, Ray. You love her so much.”

“Really?” It sounded more like ‘Are you nuts?’.

“I think so, yes. Of course you two were already divorced when we’ve met, but you still refused to let go of your marriage. You talked about her a lot and you… You were crazy about her, following her almost like a stalker, or a lovesick puppy. You wanted nothing more than to get her back.”

Fraser wasn’t meeting Ray’s eyes as he spoke.

“I seriously doubt that, Fraser. Tell me how we’ve met.”

“You were both eight if I remember correctly. You were in a bank and…”

“Not me and her!” Ray was tugging at Ben’s neck now, pulling him closer. “Me and you!”

“Oh. Well… You took the assignment to pretend to be detective Ray Vecchio at the 27th precinct. Ray took an undercover job and at the same time you were undercover pretending to be him. It was meant to hide the fact of his disappearance. You were supposed to be his cover - solve cases in his name and answer the phone on his desk.”

“And what about you? You are missing YOU in this story about US.” Ray probably looked hilarious with his eyebrows raised that high but it was unbelievable how selfless his friend could be.

“I… was on a vacation at the time.” Fraser tried to ignore how Ray’s thumb was moving softly against the skin of his neck. “And I got a strange phone call from Ray. In every word of that conversation he was saying good bye. He was my only friend and I knew he wouldn’t be there when I get back. It was nice of him to give me heads up, I suppose. When I approached Ray’s desk you were there and I was confused, especially after you’ve welcomed me so...” Fraser scratched his eyebrow, looking all weird and a bit freaked out.

“What? How did I greet you?”

“Well… “ Fraser loosened his black tie, messed up by Ray’s tugging, and only now did Ray really noticed that Fraser’s jacket was draped over a chair by the door and the Mountie’s shirt sleeves were rolled up, above his elbows. He looked good with his arms crossed protectively over his broad chest, elbows leaning on Ray’s bed. “You... winked at me and smiled and... you hugged me.” Fraser made it sound like the weirdest thing on earth. “I must admit that I was a bit startled, very confused and well... embarrassed. Now, I assume you just tried to play my friend…”

“So what, you don’t hug friends in Canada?”

Fraser was silent for a long awkward moment.

“I… don’t really know actually… maybe.”

“What? You don’t have many friends there, huh?”

“No. I believe I don’t. And I’m not used to showing affection through physical contact. I mean, not on everyday basis...”

“That sounds… sad… Your girlfriends must be very disappointed.”

“I don’t have one. The only woman I loved was a criminal and that episode ended pretty badly... with me in a wheelchair relearning how to walk and… that’s not even a half of it. I don’t really feel like talking about it now. Forgive me, Ray.”

“It’s alright, buddy. Tell me more about us. I don’t feel like talking about girls either.”

Ray’s fingers were playing with the short hair at the back of Fraser’s neck. “Alright. When I asked you about Ray you said you are Ray Vecchio and then you showed me your badge to prove it. Others also confirmed that you are indeed who you claimed to be and I was afraid I had finally lost it…”

Ray chuckled. “Finally? Sounds like you are expecting to lose it any moment.”

“I may as well do. When I tried to brush you off and turned to leave you answered the phone on your desk. It was the arsonist who wanted to speak to me…”

And Fraser talked. He told Ray about their crazy first day, keeping him up for hours.

Ray asked dozens of questions and quite often managed to bring up some random details from his memory. Ray’s hand stayed draped over Fraser’s shoulder.

“When Lieutenant Welsh explained to me who you really are I felt like a complete fool. And I honestly didn’t know how to act or how to treat you. I wasn’t sure if you wanted me around or not. I… I actually wasn’t sure about that for some time, but now I like to believe that you do want me around…”

“’course I do!”

“I mean, before you decided to forget all about… pretty much everything.”

“Don’t tease a sick person! It’s unbecoming of a Mountie.”

“Of course. My apologies, Ray.”

“Apology accepted. So we’re the bestest friends ever?”

“You are my best friend, Ray.”

“What about the real Vecchio?”

“Well… He’s my friend too…”

Ray’s raised eyebrows and that expectant look in his eyes made Fraser sweat drop.

“Are you asking me to choose?”

“Well… you can’t have two best friends.”

“I think I have three actually. There’s Diefenbaker.”

“Well… you do know Vecchio longer I guess…” Ray hoped that the pout he felt his face was forming was just a figment of his own imagination.

“I know my schoolteacher from grade four even longer and she’s not my friend.”

“Ok, but you and him… You’ve found each other and I was just a replacement.”

“What are you saying, Ray? Do you really think I would be friends with you only because I have to?”

“Well, something tells me that you have pretty strong sense of duty.”

“That is indeed true, but personal feelings and relationships are not duty, Ray.”

“Feelings?” Apparently Ray was getting hungry again because something just fluttered in his stomach.

“Yes, Ray. I care about you a great deal.” That feeling was warm and good and fuzzy.

“Am I like Vecchio?”

“No. You do share some antics, like you both claim I’m unhinged, but in general you two are… completely different.” Somehow that made Ray feel lighter than ever.

“And hence our relations are different. You have a temper which I find exceptionally easy to rile...”

“Oh? So we fight a lot?”

“It may sound strange and contradictory Ray. I’m not really sure how to explain it, but... our interactions are strangely intense. Ray is like a solid rock I can lean on. When I was in trouble he put a mortgage on his family house to bail me out without even a moment of doubt; even though he had been angry with me at the time and I… wasn’t myself. Of course, he had shot me later on, but that’s beside the point. While you… You’re like an avalanche…”

If not for the fact that Fraser had a megawatt smile on his handsome face Ray would probably pop him one.

“Gee, thanks.” His hand dropped uselessly from the muscular shoulder, but Fraser caught it and held in his hand. Ray squeezed it to show he approved.

“I mean it in a good, overwhelming way, Ray.” Fraser moved to more comfortable position, where his one hand was still holding Ray’s, while the other one supported his chin. “You are the very first person in the world that actually made me raise my voice. I’ve made you angry and we were both yelling at each other. I swear I have never, in my entire life partook in something like that. I have never restored to raising my voice in an argument but back then I just… I was so desperate to make you understand or explain what you meant. I was close to grabbing your shoulders and shaking you… I’m ashamed of myself and the way I behaved that day…”

“So how did it end?”

“You punched me. And I walked away.”

“Oh… right… So we’re friends because when we’ve had a fight I punched you , while Vecchio had shot you?”

“No! That’s not what I meant. It’s … never mind what I’ve just said. Though I do admit it sounds rather sad. Add the only woman I have ever loved putting me to jail and you’ll probably start to wonder how my enemies treat me.” It wasn’t exactly a smirk on Fraser’s lips, but he sure as hell looked amused by his own words.

Ray was listening completely stunned. “If that was supposed to be funny, Frase, then you should know it wasn’t.”

“Why? It seemed like a joke you would say about me.”

Ray was too tired to start a fight, but he felt the need to make a point here.

“Maybe I didn’t risk everything I have for you but still…”

“You did, Ray. More than once. As I said earlier you took a bullet for me on the day we’ve met. You were wearing a bulletproof vest but you couldn’t be sure that the shooter wouldn’t choose your forehead as a target. You risked more than a house and you didn’t even know me at the time. That’s what you are, Ray. This spontaneous and selfless… force of nature I can’t even begin to describe.”

“Stella said I’m stubborn.”

“Oh?... Really? You always assured me that I was the stubborn one in our duo… To be honest you always agree to all my ideas, even if later you always claim that I endangered your life in a strangely bizarre way. Now that I think about it I must admit that the level of your trust in me is… astounding.”

Ray didn’t even care about the blush raising once again to his cheeks. “So we have two opposite opinions…”

“Well, Stella was your wife for years. I’m sure she knows you better than anyone.”

“Or maybe she did, but then I changed, we divorced and she doesn’t really know me anymore?”

Fraser stared at Ray for a long moment. That was a rather brilliant idea, one that would probably never occur to Ray before the amnesia. One that actually didn’t occur to Ben either; and had it ever occur, Benton would have brushed it off as an ugly jealousy speaking.

“Why can’t I remember her? Why do I only have recollections of you?”

“I don’t know. We’ll probably figure it out along the way, but first you must discover the reason of your condition.”

“What do you mean? I hit my head right? Like in the movies.” Ray was now holding Fraser’s hand in an awkward angle but the Mountie either didn’t mind or he was damn good at pretending.

“No Ray. Regardless of what is often shown in movies, the amnesia caused by brain injury does not affect identity. It seems that it was just an opportunity that your brain had taken to repress something. I think that as soon as we figure what that was, your memories will come back because that defence mechanism won’t be any longer useful. Of course, it’s just a theory. I may be wrong.”

“Something tells me you’re never wrong.”

“And that shows your trust like nothing else. So, trust me now when I say you need to go back to sleep.”

“You only say that because you want your hand back.”

Fraser snorted. “You can keep it. I’ll stay here anyway. You just really need to rest.”

“I want to see you in your normal uniform tomorrow.”

“Alright Ray, I’ll go to the consulate to change.”

“Thank you, Frase.”

“No problem Ray. I will always be there when you need me.”

“Yeah… I know.”

When Ray woke up it was already morning. Fraser was dozing off in a chair by his bed, his arm twisted and hand clutched in Ray’s both hands.

Ray caught himself staring, admiring Ben’s long legs, broad chest, beautiful pale hands and that angelic sleeping face. It didn’t last long though because soon Stella was there.

Fraser almost jumped out of his skin. He retrieved his numb hand, apologised for God knows what and excused himself politely, not wanting to cross her. He came back later dressed in his red serge, looking like a law impersonated, all stiff, polite and slightly intimidating.

No one should look so good in pants that stupid….

Then Ray’s parents came carrying photo albums and tons of food. Then some guys from his bullpen dropped by and the loud chick with them. Through all this Fraser stayed in the back by the door like a sentinel, or in the hallway, keeping himself perfectly unobtrusive and driving Ray nuts. The only reason why he wasn’t throwing a fit was Fraser’s hat on his bedside table. It had some calming power and made Ray feel lightheaded from just knowing it was there, because Fraser wouldn’t leave hospital without it.

“What are you looking at? You keep trying to look outside. You’ll fall of the bed if you don’t stop.” Frannie was trying to push him back onto the pillow. He caught a glimpse of red on the other side of the door.

“I need to go to the bathroom.”

 

He stubbornly pushed past Frannie and Stella, and went out into the hallway even though he had a bathroom in his room.

Fraser was sitting on an uncomfortable looking plastic chair. His head was down, elbows braced on his knees, and some tall lanky guy was squatted on one knee in front of him, blatantly invading the Mountie’s personal space. He had one hand on Fraser’s shoulder and he was calling him ‘Benny’ in a soft concerned voice. Something in Ray’s guts tightened almost squeezing tears from his eyes.

“Cute. What is this? Is he proposing or something?”

Fraser who was staring at his boots looked up and jumped to his feet seeing Ray with his arms defensively crossed over his chest and face marred by expression Fraser couldn’t identify.

“Ray! What are you doing out of bed?”

“Who’s this guy?” He was scowling at the man who intelligently took a cautious step back and away from Fraser.

“I’m Ray Vecchio.”

“Oh…” It was like a punch to the guts. “You brought me flowers or something?”

“No. I came to check how Benny deals with you forgetting him, you asshole.”

“Ray…” Fraser’s voice was harsh and unfamiliar. ”I told you I’m fine. And Ray’s fine too. His memories are coming back.”

Vecchio looked like some mafia boss in his fancy clothes and he clearly disliked Ray as much as Ray disliked him. But Ray Kowalski was not intimidated. He was actually ready to kick him in that balding head.

“Yeah? They better be. Come on, Benny, let’s go grab something to eat.”

“I’m not hungry, Ray.” Fraser’s word’s made the amnesiac smirk. He stepped closer and pointed two accusing fingers at the Italian.

“Did you hear that, Vecchio? He doesn’t want to go with you, so scram!”

Ray forcefully squeezed himself in between the two men and pressed backwards pushing the Mountie away from the Italian.

“I don’t care if you’re injured or brain damaged since you were born, Kowalski. You piss me off.” Vecchio poked Ray’s chest with one finger. Ray actually waited for the other Ray to start it, so without thinking he pushed him away and the tragedy unrolled.

TBC


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “Words never change. What changes is how one interprets them.” ― Marty Rubin
> 
> Hello everyone!  
> Arwyn, Mazikeen_Belloc Mizelle - I must say I was pleasantly surprised with the world thanks to you. People rarely spare time to help others (unless they are Mounties) while here you all defended a total stranger for no other reason than believing it’s the right thing to do!  
> Dantless – thank you for wanting to make my story less cliché but I'm afraid that some things you see in this text are in your head, not mine.

Kowalski’s guests rushed out of the room to stare at the scene with dumbfounded eyes.

 

Fraser was holding the blond Ray in his arms, while the cop thrashed around trying to get free and kill the other Ray, who just stood there, in a safe distance, with a split lip cursing in Italian.  
“Ray!” Stella’s eyes darted from her ex-husband to the man who apparently became his victim. She had met Ray Vecchio before at 27th when Ray took off to Canada.

“I… I’m sorry for my ex-husband. Something must have set him off.” She glared at Fraser with no doubt in her mind that he was the sole reason of everybody’s problems.

“It’s alright, Stella. I got used to it.” Vecchio smiled charmingly and kissed the woman’s outstretched hand. “He reacts to me the same way regardless of what he remembers. It’s our dynamic. You know, I was getting hungry and since Fraser had lost his appetite…” Here he gave Kowalski a pointed look. “…maybe you would like to keep me company?”

Stella hesitated. She glanced at Ray who looked irritatingly comfortable in his partner’s arms. She wanted to scream or hit something but instead she just accepted the offered invitation. She was watching Ray, seeking for at least slight hint of jealousy but he wasn’t even looking her way…

He was in Fraser’s arms squirming enough for Fraser to know that he shouldn’t let him go, but not enough to really escape. And yes, he did that on purpose.

Ray’s father was looking at them curiously making Ray uncomfortable.

“What? The asshole tried to propose to my partner. I had to kick him in a head. Fraser deserves better. ’sides, I called dibs on his hand last night!”

Fraser’s arms disappeared instantly leaving Ray kind of cold and lonely. His body didn’t like the change and moved on its own leaning backward, pressing back to Ben’s torso.

He heard the Mountie’s sharp intake of breath and his heart sped up. Maybe it wasn’t his brightest idea to get this close to the man who made him feel so weird.

“Honey….” His mother tried to be the voice of reason. “Why don’t you go back to bed?” Ray just snorted. He was going to say that he wasn’t tired at all, had enough of staying in bed and was going to go and seek coffee with Fraser, but then that calm voice from behind him had to interrupt.

“That is a very good idea, Ray.” And just like that Ray’s arguments died on his lips and his rebellious attitude evaporated. His whole body relaxed against his friend and he let Fraser to steer him back to his room, with his big warm hands on Ray’s hips. When he was sitting on his bed once again Fraser turned out to be a mind reader.

“If you promise to not kick or hit anyone for five minutes I’ll bring you coffee and M&M’s.”

“Oh yes, Fraser, I love you…”

“And I you, Ray.”

Before Ray even realized what they had said Fraser was already gone in search of the said beverage and sweets, while Ray was left with his parents in a very awkward silence.

 

“Honey…?” His mother sat down while his father was nervously shuffling his feet by the door, looking like a trapped animal.

“Honey, is there something you were not telling us about you and your… friend?”

“What? I don’t know what you mean.”

“Don’t lie to us, son.” His father’s voice was more pleading than demanding.

“I really… look, I just said it for no reason… ok? Just like that…. I don’t know why I said it, alright?”

Mr Kowalski lifted his head and looked at his wife hopefully, begging her with his eyes to admit they believed him. But Ray’s mother had no intention of doing that.

“Corporal Fraser didn’t look surprised. Almost like… Like it’s normal.. Like you say it every day.”

Ray shrugged trying to will down the blush rising inevitably to his cheeks. He didn’t know what to say to that. He couldn’t remember anything more… Maybe he and Fraser were secret lovers? Now he was not only blushing but also fighting his arousal.

He needed to somehow learn the truth.

“Well, I probably say shit like that to everyone… like, you know… Good job, man, I love you... This kind of thing…”

“Well, I never heard you say that to anyone but Stella.”

“Mom… Stop that. You know I can’t remember my own address and you expect me to know how I talk to people. I don’t know, alright?”

“Alright….”

But it wasn’t alright. Not for Ray, because he was even more curious about his relationship with Fraser than his mother. He wanted to know too.

“Can you tell me more about him, mom? Please…” He needed someone to tell him everything but… Stella hated Fraser’s guts and refused to even say his name, while Francesca Vecchio talked a lot but didn’t seem to really know Fraser all that well; and her fangirling was getting on Ray’s nerves.

“Honestly, sweety, we don’t know him. He only introduced himself to us yesterday. He said he found it prudent at this juncture…” Ray grinned. That was his Fraser all right. “But you know, Stanley….  somehow, even though you talk about him all the time you’ve never introduced him to us. You’ve never let us… You didn’t share him with us.” The way his mother carefully chose every word made Ray wonder why.

Could it be that he really was hiding something from his parents, something about him and Fraser…? But then another thought occurred to him.

“You don’t like him either, do you?” His tone was accusing and cold.

“I don’t know him.”

“You don’t like him! Probably that’s why I kept him away from you.”

“Stanley! I don’t know him. All I know is that he forces you into dangerous situations and that he makes you act strange.”

“Strange?”

“Like now. You’re attacking me for no reason. You even hit that poor man just now and we know it’s not the first time you did that. Stella said you were mean to her too...”

“Poor man? Have you seen those fancy clothes of his? It was probably Armani or something. And if I was mean to Stella it was because she was being mean to Fraser! I want to know why you and her don’t like him. How anyone can not like him?”

“Maybe because of you, Stanley? You’ve never been like that before. When that man’s involved you’re losing your mind. It’s so unlike you. You were always so… independent, and now… You can’t stay away from him even for Christmas! You follow him everywhere, even to the freezing end of the world. Sometimes I think that you would jumped out of a plane if he told you to do so.”

Something flashed through Ray’s mind.  

_-What’s an ice field…?_

Ray’s eyes widened and his mouth twitched in a beginning of a smile.

_-Ok, Frase, give me my parachute…_

_-That’s the fun part, Ray - there is no parachutes!_

He smiled happily this time pretty sure it was a memory.

_-... Look Ray, turtles!_

“Turtles…”

“Honey?” His mother’s voice instantly lost its edge and she sounded really worried.

“Stanley, what turtles?”

Just then Fraser entered the room with a paper cup in his hand.

“Turtles?” He repeated curiously after catching Ray’s last words. Ray looked up at him, his smile turning into a sly grin.

“Benton buddy, did you ever make me jump off a plane without a parachute?”

Fraser bit his lower lip and nervously pulled on his ear.

“I… Well... only once.” He pulled on his collar and stood a little straighter. Clearly Ray’s parents were not supposed to hear that....

“Well, I guess that jumping off a plane without a parachute is one of those things you don’t get a chance to do second time, but strangely I’m still alive…”

“Because it was  _perfectly_  safe. We were over a very thick layer of snow that cautioned our fall.”

Ray’s father put his hand on his wife’s shoulder and squeezed reassuringly.

“Do you remember anything else?” Fraser clearly tried to divert everyone’s attention from their reckless stunt.

“Turtles…” Ray was still grinning. “You said, look Ray, turtles.” And it was apparently true because Fraser was smiling at him, once again full of pride and happiness and gods know what else. Ray wanted to remember more and make him happy again.

“And you pushed me off the plane… and then there was just snow and you were smiling like you were the happiest man on Earth and I was happy too… so happy...”

He suddenly stopped talking seeing Fraser shuffle nervously by the door. The image of him and Fraser squeezed in the ice crevice, so close he could breathe in his scent… “And I remember ice…”

“Yes, you… we fell into a crevice on an ice field and got stuck… When Delmar pulled us out we…”

“Franklin… the hand of Franklin.”

”Yes, you insisted we should go on a quest in search of the hand of Franklin. Instead of the hand, or Franklin’s ships, on our second week of the quest we’ve found a plane that crashed out there and we saved 32 people leading them back to the nearest RCMP post. That brought us fame even greater than the nuclear submarine. I guess it’s just our luck. We attract troublesome situations. After that you insisted that we should stay in Inuvik for some time until things got quiet around us again.”

Ray was still grinning. “I must get my memories back. I want to remember all of this. Show me some of our pictures.”

“Oh…” Fraser stepped closer and handed Ray his coffee and m&m’s. Then he claimed the vacant chair beside Ray’s bed.

“I’m afraid I don’t own any photographs… I’m sorry.” Ray’s eyes took in dozens of photo albums scattered in the room. They contained hundreds of photographs Ray didn’t really care to look at and there was not even a single one of him with Fraser… His smile faded. He wanted to have pictures with his friend.

“But as you see, Ray, they’re not necessary. Your memories are rushing back regardless of what I show you. Of course I imagine it must be even easier with this kind of help…”

He gestured his hand toward the photo albums. Ray studied them for hours but remembered absolutely nothing. Still he didn’t want to upset Fraser so he left it unsaid.

“Try to remember something more, Ray. I may not have any pictures but I will still try to help you. I just figured that we could play a game as an exercise.”

“A game?”

“Yes, Ray.” Fraser started to unstrap his Sam Browne, then took off his tunic and draped it over the back of the chair. It was getting late and Stella was gone. It was time for Fraser to make himself more comfortable by Ray’s side. It was his turn.

“I’ll say a word and you try to say the first thing that comes to your mind.”

“Alright…” Ray wasn’t sure it was such a great idea, because just looking at Fraser in this soft looking Henley and those suspenders made his mind wander into strange places. But he apparently couldn’t refuse Fraser anything.

“Good. Let’s start with something easy. A car.”

“1967 Pontiac GTO.”

“Perfect, Ray. That’s your beloved car, the one you have been working on together with your father.”

“I remember... telling you about my father… In some sort of a... cafeteria?”

”It was a break room at the 27th.” It was as if pieces of a puzzle were falling into place in Ray’s head.

“I was… I was really nervous but I really wanted to tell you anyway…”

“Tell me what Ray?”  
“…That I didn’t speak to my dad in years…” Ray looked at the older man who was now looking straight at a wall, avoiding his son’s eyes but apparently listening to his every word.

“And you told me to make up with my dad… and I was thinking that…” Ray took a deep breath and concentrated on memories and feeling boiling in his head. “I was thinking about your father and that he had left you when you were six… and… you still chased his killers and sacrificed your career and living in Canada… _everything_  to bring them to justice while I…” Ray pulled his knees up to his chest and circled them with his arms. “I remember… you were not very close with your dad, huh?”

“No… It was exactly as you said, Ray. Still I admired him all my life and wished I had a chance to know him while he was still alive…”

Fraser didn’t want for Ray’s memories to go up that lane. He hoped it would be something light and positive - Ray’s favourite car, not Fraser’s depressing past.

“That’s why you tried to guilt trip me into calling my dad?”

“I did not! I merely suggested that it would be good for you, because it seemed that you’ve had a great relationship with your father and it was obviously something you’ve missed terribly.”

“I did make up with him, right?” Ray was now staring at his father who was still avoiding his eyes.

“Yes, Ray. On the very same day he visited you, and you… you just did.”

Ray was still looking at the side of his father’s head. The stubborn man was still looking anywhere but his own son but when Ray noticed his rapid blinking he had a fairly good idea why.

“Ok… ok, good. Hey buddy, how about another word?”

“Alright, Ray...  Let’s say… hobby.”

“Boxing… or…dancing?”

“Excellent. You are a very dedicated boxer and a marvellous dancer, Ray. I’ve seen you once, dancing with your wife...”

“My ex-wife?”

“…Yes Ray. I’m sorry. I’ve seen you dancing with your ex-wife in a restaurant, on a-…”

“Boat! There was a bomb! I remember you with a bomb in your hands.”

Ray’s mother whimpered but didn’t say anything about her son being in such a close proximity of explosives.

“Yes, I noticed that the waiter was opening a champagne bottle the wrong way…”

“I remember. You jumped into the water. I…” Another flashback… or something else.

He saw Fraser underwater swimming toward him… and felt his cheeks burning for some unfathomable reason. He tried to brush it off and calm his breathing.

“Are you alright, Stanley?” His mother was so persistent…

“Were we… um… underwater?”

Fraser scratched his eyebrow and thought for a moment.

“No. I jumped into the water after the explosion to retrieve the bomb particles for examination before they sank, and you stayed with Miss Kowalski.”

“Oh… ok… alright… so um…” He glanced at Fraser, who was licking his lower lip.

“Are you sure? I mean… it was dark and...”

“I am sure, Ray. You can’t swim and you hate water.”

“But we were underwater at some point, right?”

“Well, yes.” More nervous eyebrow scratching. “Few times actually… That’s why you’ve punched me back then…”

“Why? Was it your fault?”

“Well… it was a matter of a simple choice. We were on a building, unarmed and awfully outnumbered, while the terrorists were shooting at us. We could either jump into the lake…”

“The lake they call Michigan?” Ray had no idea what possessed him to say that! But Fraser answered with a small secretive smile so it meant Ray did something right once again.

“Yes, Ray. That very one. So, we could jump or wait for our back up. I wanted to jump, you wanted to wait. We jumped even though you couldn’t swim. I had no idea it would be so difficult and traumatic for you, Ray. Once again I apologize.”

“I punched you for that?”

“Partially, yes, but I’m afraid it was merely a catalyst. The real reason was much deeper, based on probably significant amount of accumulated… resentment and stress. Our back up arrived just as we were dragging ourselves out of the water so you were angry that we hadn’t waited. We started to argue…”

“And I punched you. I’m so sorry buddy.”

Ray stretched his arm and put his hand on Fraser’s shoulder. He was going to just squeeze it and let go but his hand stayed there and didn’t move away.

“It’s alright. Later on you’ve made me punch you in return even though I really didn’t want to do that. I must say that hitting you hurt much more than being hit so if you could just… not make me do that ever again… it would be nice.”

So Ray leaned down and pulled Fraser’s head closer, hugging it to his chest like some plush toy, completely ignoring the fact that it was attached to someone’s body.

“Hey buddy. I won’t. I promise.”

Fraser snorted. “Since you hit your head, Ray, you’ve become exceptionally affectionate.” But he didn’t pull away. His hair was soft and his body warm. He smelled like leather, pine and… a man. That last part made Ray shiver slightly.

“Hey, I’m not a block of ice from the big dark North. I do hugs.”

“Yes, I noticed, though this looks more like a headlock.” Ray was still holding Fraser’s head close to his chest and let his chin drop to the top of his soft black hair.

Fraser looked really cuddly without his tunic and Ray was too tired to keep his hands to himself. He wanted to be alone with his friend.

Someone clearing their throat by the door made Fraser finally pull away and stand up.

“Stella, honey…” Ray noticed that his mother must’ve really like the woman because she treated her like her own daughter.

Vecchio was with her and now he was approaching Fraser.

“Hey Benny, come on. I’ll take you to the consulate. You need to catch some sleep.”

His hand landed on Fraser’s shoulder, but the Mountie looked up at him apologetically.

“There’s no need for that, Ray. Thank you, but I’d rather stay here.”

“No you would not. You need to leave this place. You need to sleep and eat like a normal person.”

“I assure you, Ray that I do eat and sleep. And I have been out of the hospital just this morning.”

“Yeah, for all three minutes to get change. The ice queen told me.”

Ray’s stomach tightened. “What Ice Queen? Who is that, Fraser? Who is he talking about?”

Vecchio sneered in answer. “Jealous much, Kowalski?”

“Aaah… I believe Ray meant my commanding officer, inspector Thacher.”

“Yeah. And just so you know, Benny, she will come here to check on you if you don’t get your Canadian ass back to the Consulate.”

“I… I have few more days off, Ray. She can’t request my presence during my vacation.”

“She’s worried about you, Benny!”

Kowalski grabbed Fraser’s hand to get his attention. “You… you wasted your vacation time to sit here with me?” Now both Rays had a firm grip on hip, pulling gently in separate directions.

“Ray…”

“Your days off?”

“Ray…”

“To spend it in this stinky hospital?”

“RAY!”

“What?”

“It’s my vacation and my decision. You would do the same for me.”

Fraser was smiling softly and Ray felt his heart melt. It was impossibly selfish but he really wanted Fraser to stay.

“Yeah, ok. Maybe… So you’re staying with me again?”

“Only if you want me to.” It was a question and Ray just grinned in answer and pulled Fraser’s hand harder to make him sit back down.

Vecchio scoffed and muttered under his nose something that sounded like: “needy little leech” but could be “little bitch” too. Only Stella stood close enough to hear and she gasped, so it couldn’t be anything nice. Then again the gasp could have been caused by the middle finger that Ray flipped on Vecchio, intelligently hiding it from the Mountie’s line vision.

“Again?” Ray’s mother seemed shocked. “The nurses said no one can stay the night.”

Ray snorted in false amusement.

“I’m sure they’d gladly made an exception for a sexy Mountie. Am I right, Frase?”

Fraser scratched his eyebrow, blushing to the tips of his ears.

“I really don’t th-“

“So,…” Stella cut his answer short, which was rude, but Fraser looked relieved that it saved him the trouble of constructing some polite comment on the nurses’ behaviour.

“Would you like  _me_  to stay?”  The irritated woman was making Ray nervous and insanely protective of his friend. Every time she was around, Ray felt uncomfortable and edgy. He simply couldn’t stand her attitude toward Fraser.

Actually, when he thought about it, he hated everyone’s attitude toward the Mountie.

He hated how Frannie was undressing him with her eyes and how all nurses swoon when he so much as turned his head their way. He didn’t like that his father ignored him and it pissed him of how his mother was always so suspicious about Fraser’s motives. He absolutely loathed how Stella attacked him every time she got a chance. And then there was Vecchio and his disgusting closeness to Fraser. And that was the worst of it all, because Fraser liked Vecchio back… and Ray was jealous.

So, summing it up, it didn’t matter if people liked Fraser or not it still pissed Ray to no end. He was only content when he was alone with Fraser and for all he cared other people could just fuck off.

And that realisation was kind of creepy.

Fraser just sat still, not talking, probably to not anger Stella any more than he already did, and looked extremely uncomfortable between his two best friends.

 

Vecchio smiled and patted his shoulder.

 

“Honey…” Ray’s father pulled on his wife’s sleeve. “It’s almost six and I forgot my medications. I think we should let Stanley rest and come back tomorrow.”

“But…”

“No buts, honey. We should go now. I’ll go ahead.”

And then Ray’s father did something neither of them expected. He walked up to Fraser, making the Mountie instantly jump respectfully to his feet and stand at parade rest.

“Thank you for always being there for my son, Corporal.” Fraser stood there completely stunned, with his mouth slightly open in shock and his back straight, for once not knowing what to say.

“I… It’s my pleasure, Sir.” And Ray’s father extended his hand for Fraser to shake.

 

The Mountie’s face was priceless. He looked extremely uncomfortable but his eyes were showing an incredible mix of emotions: concern, happiness, shyness, fear.

He shook Ray’s father’s hand; his firm grip showing strength and confidence.

“I’m honoured, Sir… to deserve Ray’s friendship.”

The older man chuckled and patted Fraser’s arm. “You’re a good man, corporal.”

“…” Fraser’s jaw was literally dropped. “Thank you, Sir.”

“Would you walk me to the car? I’m sure my wife would like to take her time to say goodbye to Ray. Will you spare me a moment?”

“Of course, Sir. Let me just… put on my Serge.”

“It’s hot outside. Come on…” The man was smiling at Ben so warmly and encouragingly that the Mountie caved instantly.

“Ray, if you would excuse me...”

“Just go!” Ray was grinning again. He picked up Fraser’s Stetson from the bed and put it on his own spiky hair. Fraser just nodded at him and left, leaving his hat on Ray’s head. 

Ray’s mother looked as shocked as Fraser felt.

“Honey… Is that true? That you made up with your father because he told you so?”

“Not because he told me so, mum. I just…. Thought about his poor excuse of a father and how Fraser still had nothing but respect for him and I… felt like an asshole. I had my father still alive and didn’t talk to him; while he talked to his even though the guy was six feet under….”

Vecchio cleared his throat. “So he still does that? I thought he stopped.”

“I don’t know… Apparently he did that when we talked about my dad. It’s all I remember really… having this conversation with him… and how nervous I was…”

Stella walked up to the bed. She lifted her hand, as if she wanted to put it in Ray’s hair but there was a hat covering it, so her hand dropped.

“You know, Ray, I asked you to call your father thousands of times…”

Ray closed his eyes just to not roll them at Stella. “Look I can’t remember…”

“I know, Ray. I know.”

“And he didn’t tell me to do anything.”

“No, he never does, does he? He just manipulates you to do what he wants. Even when he’s not there.”

“Hey!” Vecchio might have been a dick but he clearly loved Fraser and wasn’t going to let anyone insult him either. “Come on, Stella, don’t be like that.”

“I forgot you’re the same.”

“I am not. Fraser is my friend and he’s a good guy. I don’t want to spent my life with him in tundra, but I love him like my own brother.”

Mrs. Kowalski sighed with resignation.

“Goodnight, honey. We’ll be back tomorrow, ok?”

“Don’t bother, really… I’m fine. Ben’s with me.” He didn’t want them to come. He didn’t want to hurt their feelings but he was tired of this situation.

“That’s what worries us the most.” Stella spat the words like poison. Mrs Kowalski hugged her and said her goodbyes.

“What is he telling you, Ray?”

“Who?”

“The Mountie. I don’t believe you remember all those things about him and nothing about me! I won’t accept that.”

Ray almost said ‘I’m sorry’ again but he stopped himself. He wasn’t sorry. He was glad he could remember Fraser. It didn’t feel wrong. It felt right and natural. He hoped Fraser would be back soon.

“I admit that not everything he tells me sounds right. Especially about you.”

“I knew it!”

“He said I’m in love with you.”

“…what?”

She looked like someone just slapped her on the face. He looked at Vecchio. The Italian was watching her with worried eyes, ready to cheer her up if needed. Ray smiled thinking they would look good together as a couple.

“We divorced years ago and he says I’m still crazy about you… I just... don’t think it’s true. I don’t  _feel_  like it could be true, because I may not remember things, but I can feel. And I don’t think my feelings changed because of what I remember. Like I still don’t like him!” A pointed glare left no room for doubts to whom he was referring to.

“When Fraser says things it just clicks and I can suddenly remember the rest. Everything fits. When he says I’m pining after you it just… doesn’t. I see Frannie and I think ‘annoying younger sister who wants in my partner’s pants’. I see Vecchio and think he’s a dick. Only when I first saw my parents I thought they were yours… but you… You made me feel weird and you’ve made my head hurt. I just doubt that it’s because I love you so much.”

Stella was listening to it all patiently, not letting any tears drop.

“What about the Mountie? What did you feel when you saw him?”

Ray’s eyes widened instantly and he could feel his face burn. Busted.

 

TBC


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> BIG THANK YOU for Mizelle, Deputychairman, Mazikeen_Belloc , tarcy42 for reviews and support!  
> Have a nice weekend.

No matter how much shadow the Stetson was throwing at his face, Ray knew that his blush was impossible to miss. He focused on not letting himself stutter and then…  
  
“N-nothing…” He did anyway. “I just thought I knew him… Yeah, that’s it. That was the first thought…” Or the second first, right after the very first which was that the guy was kinda hot… but Stella didn’t need to know that.  
  
“Really?” She was upset and Ray knew she would be, but he refused to apologise for something that was not up to him. “I know when you’re lying, Ray. I know you better than anyone. Better than him.”  
  
He almost said ‘If you say so, Stel’. It was unconscious. He had it at the tip of his tongue to just admit she was right, apologise and move on, but instead he looked into her eyes and decided to say what he really thought.  
  
“I doubt that.”  
  
Some terrible ruckus from outside the door cut their conversation short and Ray was sort of glad hearing it was Fraser, but only until he realised that his friend was being harassed by a bunch of nurses. The door opened a few inches and the Mountie’s Henley clad arm showed through the crack. The rest of his bulky figure was being held captive by the loud women in the hallway.  
  
“I’m terribly sorry, ma’am, but I really need to go. I apologise… Excuse me…”  
  
Ray’s lips twitched. He couldn’t help but smile at the man’s impossible politeness.  
  
Finally more of his friend squeezed in through the door and soon the whole Mountie was in, except for one of his suspenders still clutched in a female hand. Fraser remained patiently apologetic, but also all stiff and so uncomfortable it was funny.  
  
When he finally managed to safely get inside the room, and close the door, his suspenders were askew and his hair ruffled. He looked like he had been jumped by a horde of fans, which he kind of was. Ray heard Vecchio chuckle and when he looked up he was stunned speechless by the honest fondness written all over the other man’s face.  
  
“You should’ve put on that serge, Benny.”  
  
It was weird but Fraser’s attractiveness made Ray proud. If anything he should be jealous that his friend was getting all the attention but he wasn’t. It was fun to watch Fraser being jumped because Fraser clearly didn’t like it and had no idea what to do with nothing but his politeness to work with. Every time some nurse came into his room, supposedly to check on Ray, they always attacked Ben one way or another and the Mountie never stopped being polite.  
  
“I bet they'll wait for you by the door to jump you.”  
  
And here it was – that deer in the head lights look. “Don’t be ridiculous, Ray.”  
  
Fraser was very stiff and very awkward, with his back pressed against the door, as if he was trying to keep the enemies outside. His eyes were darting quickly from the distressed woman to his best friends and back.  
  
“Chill out, Frase. You look like you want to make a run for it. Sit down.”  
  
“I… I don’t want to –“ He gestured with his hand toward Stella.  
  
“Impose? I know. You’re not, so sit down.” Ray was patient but Fraser was kind of yanking his chain now.  
  
The Mountie quickly moved toward the chair Ray’s mother vacated, not even considering the one by the bed, beside Stella. Ray just sighed.  
  
“So what did my father want from you?” For some reason the thought of his father talking to Fraser was unsettling. From what he had heard they have never talked before and there was probably some good reason for that.  
  
“Nothing, really. I just… walked with him to his car…”  
  
“And? You talked, didn’t you? You talked about me?”  
  
“No, actually.”  
  
“No? But you did talk.”  
  
“Yes, Ray. Would you like me to bring you coffee or something to eat?”  
  
Fraser was sitting out of Ray’s reach and it was as unnerving as the way he tried to change the subject.  
  
“No. Do you really want to get out there again?” Ray pointed two fingers toward the door. Fraser’s wary eyes followed their trail and he quickly shook his head.  
  
“No, Ray.” He looked like a kid scared of a monster in his closet.  
  
“Good. So what did my old man say?”  
  
“Nothing.”  
  
“Fraser!”  
  
“Really…”  
  
“Ben!”  
  
The brunette tried to deny one more time but no sound left his throat after being glared at by his partner. His mouth opened. He scratched his eyebrow. His mouth closed and a tongue darted out to wet his lower lip.  
  
“Fishing.”  
  
Ray threw his pillow straight at the Mountie’s irritatingly handsome face. Fraser didn’t dodge, probably because then the pillow would be out of the window.  
  
“He thanked me.”  
  
“For what?”  
  
“For some reason he believed I had something to do with your warm reception when he brought you your car. I explained that I had nothing to do with your decision and after clearing this out we really talked mostly about fishing.”  
  
“Fishing?”  
  
“Yes, Ray. Now, I see that your interrogation skills are all back. Congratulations, you’re fit for work.”  
  
Ray grinned and BAM, he got his pillow back, straight to the face. “Great, so you can take me home already.”  
  
“My opinion is irrelevant. I’ll do whatever your doctor says.”  
  
“I hope he says the same, or better, that I need fresh Canadian air to get better. I really want go back there.”  
  
Ray wanted to fix Fraser’s hair but the man was sitting too far away and he had to settle for a longing look and an impatient tick in his hand.  
  
“Okay Benny, I gotta’ go. I’ll drop by tomorrow to see if you’re taking proper care of yourself, so you better be nice and clean. And well fed! Or I’ll drag your stubborn ass out of here by force..”  
  
Fraser stood up and smiled at his friend. “Thank you Ray. For everything.”  
  
Ray watched them hugging with his jaw clenched but it relaxed considerably when he noticed that Vecchio was slapping Fraser’s back friendly and wasn’t doing any of those things Ray did when he managed to get his hands on the Mountie. Vecchio didn’t try to smell Ben, didn’t try to put his nose into the black locks and didn’t even burry his face in Fraser’s shoulder. His hands didn’t linger on Benton’s back. He just slapped his friend’s shoulder and was out of the door few seconds later, stopping by only to kiss Stella on the cheek and say goodbye.  
  
Stella cleared her throat. “So, Ray… Did you think about the arrangements for after you leave the hospital?”  
  
Ray got of the bed and sat in a chair closer to Fraser.  
  
“Sure, I’ll just go back to my apartment and if Fraser gets some more time off we will go back to Inuvik, right Frase?” Ray fixed the Stetson on his head.  
  
“Whatever you want Ray. Just put on some shoes. The floor is cold.”  
  
Ray looked down at his bare feet on the cool white tiles. It was kind of unpleasant. He looked up at his friend innocently, and then unceremoniously put both his feet in Fraser’s lap. The Mountie raised one eyebrow but didn’t comment. Ray couldn’t be sure but that slight twitch of Ben’s mouth looked suspiciously like a smile.  
  
Stella gasped. “Inuvik? Ray, have you lost your mind?”  
  
“Kind of, but I’m picking up the pieces.”  
  
“Ray, it’s not funny!” She walked over the bed to get closer to her crazy ex. “The doctor said you must be around things and people you know, to trigger your memories.”  
  
“That’s why I need to go there, Stell! Don’t you get it? We’ve had this game. Frase said a word CAR and I remembered my GTO, he said hobby – and I said boxing, he said HOME and I remembered everything! Lying in on that bear skin rug with a bitten ear, the fireplace, and even how our boots were lined by the door; and colours of every freakin' plate and cup. These are the things I know, Stella.”  
  
“Some shack in the middle of nowhere?”  
  
“It’s a cabin!” Ray’s good mood was slowly dying.  
  
“I won’t let you do it, Ray. And he…” She pointed at Fraser with her purse. “…he won’t let it happen either. You need to be here, with your friends and be with your family. And he knows it too.”  
  
Ray’s feet were digging nervously into Fraser’s thighs until soothing hands rested on his shins.  
  
“You don’t want to listen to me? Fine. Listen to him.”  
  
Fraser met the woman’s eyes. He was calm and solid, just what Ray needed. Even though Stella didn’t address him directly he recognized his queue and cleared his throat.  
  
“Before I state my opinion I need to talk to doctor Stuart again.”  
  
He didn’t say anything more because one of Ray’s feet started to pound into his knee, repeatedly, irritatingly, but not strong enough to hurt. Just to be really fucking annoying and that’s what Ray was aiming for.  
  
“Why, Frase? What the hell are you doing? You were supposed to take my side.”  
  
“We are both on your side, Ray. I will always do what is best for you, so stop kicking.”  
  
Ben grabbed the ankle of the kicking leg. His hand was warm on Ray’s cool skin and it made the detective shiver in delight when it pressed more firmly to his ankle.  
  
“Your feet are cold, Ray. You should go back to bed.”  
  
Ray didn’t want to change position. He was too comfortable to move, but he also felt some perverse pleasure from doing what his partner tells him, so he was torn. Finally he settled for a pout.  
  
“You’re no fun.”  
  
Then someone knocked on the door and got in before anyone could answer. It was an older fellow, with a seemingly gruff exterior but surprisingly friendly glint in his tired looking eyes.  
  
Ray didn’t know who it was but had no doubts that it was a friend, someone he trusted.  
  
Fraser immediately tried to jump to his feet, but the man put a hand on his shoulder and pushed him back down.  
  
“Don’t stand up, corporal. He looks comfortable like that.”  
  
Fraser blushed and rubbed his eyebrow but didn’t say anything.  
  
“Good evening, Ms. Kowalski.”  
  
“Good evening, Lieutenant.”  
  
“I’m sorry I didn’t come earlier, but the bullpen is a mess. I just lost one of my best detectives to some petty head injury.”  
  
Ray grinned. The guy must be his boss!  
  
“Missed me, huh?”  
  
“I can’t believe I’m saying this but it seems I miss you both. How do you feel, detective?”  
  
“Good…” His feet were moving over Fraser’s thighs again, not so nervously but it was probably still annoying to the poor Mountie. Ray found himself unable to stop. “’m good. Ben's with me all the time.”  
  
Welsh was trying to supress a smile, but wasn’t doing a very good job.  
  
“Yes, I can see that he takes good care of you… What about your memories? Are they coming back?”  
  
“Yeah, some... I remember Inuvik and Dief and some other things… Mostly Fraser…”  
  
Stella had enough of it. ”I’m sorry lieut. Welsh but I was just leaving, so have a good night. Ray…. See you tomorrow.” Ray waved at her and focused on the new guy, but Fraser jumped to his feet after her not minding in the slightest how the woman had totally ignored him.  
  
“Excuse me ma’am, can I walk you to your car?”  
  
She paused and her ice blue eyes landed on the flustered Mountie. For a moment they were looking into each other’s eyes, like two predators assessing each other’s strength and intentions. Fraser carefully put Ray’s feet on his chair and walked up to the blond woman.  
  
“Please?”  
  
She still hesitated. She looked at Ray. His eyes were wide and spooked.  
  
“Alright…” She turned to leave and Fraser followed, opening the door for her and grabbing his jacket on the way.  
  
“Ray, will you be alright?”  
  
“Sure, buddy, but why-…”  
  
“Alright then.”  
  
The only reason why Ray let his friend leave was his boss. He didn’t want to freak the man out but it unnerved him that Fraser was going to talk to Stella, surely about him.  
  
“Why did he do that?” He heard himself asking, and Welsh answering.  
  
“I assume he wanted to talk to her.”  
  
“They hate each other. Why would they want talk?” Welsh nodded.   
  
“I doubt that corporal is able to actually hate anyone, but I know what you mean. I don’t think I ever saw them exchanging as much as a simple ‘hello’… I think they will talk about you. I can only imagine how they take this whole situation… It must be very hard on both of them.”  
  
“Yeah… Look… about that…” Ray bit his lip and his finger started to tap nervously on his knee.  
  
“If you’re my boss then you know me, right? And you know Fraser?”  
  
“I guess so. You’re an annoying little prick most of times so I try to not let you into my office too often, but…” Ray laughed sincerely, recognizing the man’s words as nothing but a poorly masked affection.   
  
“There are things I want to know, sir… things I  _need_  to know... I need it so much it almost hurts and I have no one to ask…”  
  
“What about the corporal? Can't you ask him?”  
  
“No. That’s… that’s the problem, Lieu. It’s him I want to know about so... no.”  
  
“What do you want to know?”  
  
“Well… About... me and Fraser…” Ray pulled his legs up, resting his feet on his own chair and hugging his knees. “We're close, right?”  
  
Ray didn’t dare to meet Welsh’s eyes while asking but glanced at his face while waiting for an answer. The Lieutenant made himself comfortable in the vacated chair.  
  
“You are partners."  
  
"I know but... I mean like, you know... like him and Vecchio?"  
  
"No, I think you two are... well, closer."  
  
"How close?"  
  
"What are you asking me, Kowalski?"  
  
"I..." Ray let his head drop. He really wanted to know but the guy was his freaking boss! How was he supposed to ask him that? How close? Close like Best Friends Forever or close like I suck your dick in a broom closet?  
  
“Ok, Kowalski, as much as I enjoy watching you squirm like that, I think I know what you mean." Welch scratched his head looking away. He couldn't possibly look anymore embarrassed. Ray on the other hand was close to having a stroke. His heart was pounding in his chest, all too eager to hear the truth. "...but I’m afraid I can’t help you.” And just like that Ray's heart almost stopped completely.    
  
“Oh…" And sank.   
  
"Sorry, Kowalski. He's open and polite all over but he knows how to keep to himself better  than anyone I know."  
  
"Yeah... Right. So... who can I ask?”  
  
“Honestly, I don’t know.”  
  
“Maybe I have some other friends..”  
  
“Not that I know of. We use your cell phone number to reach him 'cause he's always with you after work. Every day.”  
  
Welsh sighed heavily and stayed silent for a moment, like he was trying to decide whether to speak further or not. Then he met Ray’s miserable eyes and took pity on him in the end.  
  
“I can tell you this. When you took that job to be Vecchio you were known to only work alone, and you were very… sceptic about that thing with a liaison cop from Canada. You were all about your performance, acting skills and playing friendship. Then you’ve met him and from the day one you two were inseparable. In 30 years working as a cop I’ve seen dozens of cop partnerships but you two were… something else. It may be that it’s that oddball Mountie making everything around him look strange. But it’s also possible that there was more. You were finishing each other’s sentences, and you do those things... You hanging on his shoulder, holding his hat, making him coffee, you were living in each other’s pockets. I can't even describe it. You would walk through the hallway and say you could kiss him or that you loved him and in a heartbeat he would answer that he loved you too, like it was the most obvious thing in the world."  
  
"We were in synch."  
  
“Him and Vecchio were in synch too, but… When Vecchio got a chance to do that undercover gig he called Fraser and then he left. When you got the same chance you couldn’t do it. And then Vecchio came back and you lashed out at him."   
  
“How?”  
  
“Francesca separated you two but you've already made a mess of my bullpen. I thought it was because he was taking his job back from you but… I gave you a job as yourself and you still remained that walking time bomb. Now… I’ve heard that one from Thatcher but in general you confessed that you….” The man rubbed his forehead.  
  
“That I what?”  
  
“I’m too old for this shit… It’s too weird. I can’t say it.”  
  
“Oh, come on!”  
  
“Ok, fine… You supposedly claimed that you… are not yourself when you’re not with him… Like there is no you without him… or something like that. I don’t know. Crazy stuff. You’re as much of a freak these days as he is."  
  
Ray's face was burning. "And I've said that to _who?_ "  
  
"Inspector Thatcher. Fraser's boss."  
  
"For Christ's sake, the ice queen? What the hell was I thinking?" Ray hid his burning face in his hands.  
  
"Yes, she was surprised too. And angry. But then she also felt something akin to pity for you so she did not rip your head off. Of course she also did not encourage you to explore this… thing… or whatever that was… She was in love him."  
  
"Who wasn't, huh?"  
  
"Well... Francesca freaked out about his leaving too... But she didn't jump onto the wing of a plane after him... to follow him to the great white North.” Ray peeked out through his fingers.  
  
“What  _did_  she do?”  
  
“She confessed and took his polite rejection, crying her eyes out only when he couldn’t hear her. From what I’ve heard, you acted kind of nice back there. Or... you were trying to _not be a dick_ you usually are – her words, not mine.”  
  
“I… was there for this... whole thing?”  
  
“She said you took it upon yourself to save the Big Red Awkwardness from the torment of rejecting someone he liked. Then you both left and I was pretty sure I would never see you again. After Maldoon’s case you called me to ask for few weeks leave. You were heading on some crazy quest with the corporal. And you said that if he stays in Canada you stay too. That was the only time I really wanted to ask you what is really going on between you two, but I thought it wasn’t really my business.”  
  
Ray’s eyebrows were up almost to his hairline.  
  
“You know it’s not exactly normal that one guy wants to move to the freezing wasteland to stay close to his friend, right? I have friends and I would never even think about doing something like that. It’s something completely unthinkable. If any of them offered I would probably punch them. For me it would be obvious. People just don’t do this kind of things… don’t do things the two of you do. I see you both every day, just as I was seeing him with Vecchio earlier on. They were close. They were best friends and great partners. They were like brothers, like a family. But it’s nothing like you and him, not even close.”  
  
Ray swallowed hard. His heart was racing in his chest like crazy. “How… how is it different?”  
  
For a moment Ray was afraid that the heavy sigh of resignation would be the only answer he gets, but the older man finally shook his head and smiled.  
  
“I see your arm around him, and his hat in your hands…” He glanced up at the Stetson on Ray’s head and chuckled. “Every time a beautiful woman is involved with a case one of you freaks out that the other may be interested. Of course he’s less annoying than you following him around and whining ‘Please, Fraser, don’t fall for her’ but he can be almost as bad with just his attitude. I see how you snap at inspector Thatcher and how she fights you tooth and nail. I see your ex-wife treating him like shit and him being cold rather than polite in answer to her treatment. So, pardon my language, but honestly if the two of you are  not really sleeping together since the day one, than you act really fucking gay.”  
  
“Ok…” Ray’s face was burning painfully at this point but his lips were smiling.  
  
“But it’s the crazy Mountie we’re talking about so I can’t say anything for sure. He’s a walking freak of nature… Ask your ex-wife why she hates him and she will tell you that she’s jealous. Ask Thatcher why she treats you worse than dirt on her shoe and she will tell you the same, but the truth… you can only get from him or your own brain.”  
  
“Thanks lieu.”  
  
“That what you wanted to hear? Why did you even ask? He done anything to… hint something?”  
  
“No… No, he didn’t. I don’t really know why I… shit.”  
  
“You don’t know? You asked. So you must know. You didn’t ask about ASA Kowalski who used to be your wife. You asked about the Corporal.”  
  
“It’s just the… just some things, you know… the things I do or want to do…”  
  
Damn, his face was burning. “… or say… and how I freakin' feel… He says I’m still in love with Stella… and I know I’m not. It’s annoying…”  
  
“Look, if your memories are coming back you can wait. But if you’re tired of waiting just ask him. He loves you. If not one way than the other and he will not dump your skinny ass just because you want more than he can give. He’s a good guy.”  
  
“Alright… maybe I will… I want to go back to Canada with him… to the cabin… Why did we ever come back? It was good up there…”  
  
“Ask him that too. Oh, Francesca sends you cookies. She couldn’t come. She’s with the babies.”  
  
“Francesca has kids? I was sure she wants in Fraser’s pants?”  
  
“Yes, that’s her little hobby but she really lost all hope to get him after you showed up. She still tried to get his attention but more out of habit than anything else. She gave up officially after you two took off to Canada and we have five kids now... The oldest one's name is Ben, of course.”  
  
 "Of course."  
  
 Ray grinned. Fraser was so easy to love. Welsh stood from his chair. "Sorry I couldn’t help you, Kowalski.”  
  
“’s not your fault, Liu.”  
  
“Still… when you learn the truth  tell me, so the next time I will be better prepared.”  
  
“Hey, there won't be next time!”  
  
“I hope so. I'll better go now. I'll see if they already killed each other out there or not."  
  
"Hardy ha ha. It's not funny. I want my Mountie in one piece."  
  
"He's yours alright, isn't he?"  
  
"I don't know..."  
  
 When Fraser came back Ray was already in his bed and Welsh was gone.  
  
"What took you so long?"  
  
"Well... I thought you may want to talk to Lieutenant Welsh so I detoured and brought you hot chocolate."  
  
"Why not coffee?"  
  
"It's already evening, Ray . You should rest."  
  
Fraser's beautiful hand put the steaming paper cup on Ray's bedside table.   
  
"So, what did you want from Stella?"  
  
"I needed to ask her a few questions about the circumstances of your... accident."  
  
"Like what? You think she pushed me off the roof?" The question sounded more curious than teasing.  
  
"Of course not, Ray. That's ridiculous."  
  
"Did she help?"  
  
"Well, she... wasn't particularly cooperative, but..."  
  
"I figured."  
  
 That night Ray dreamed of a dirty alley with trash all over the place.  
  
He was alone and afraid. Something was terribly wrong. He stumbled over something and looked down at the bleeding corpse on the ground. Then he was running through the streets of Chicago with only one goal on his mind: Fraser. Finally, when his lungs were about to explode from exhaustion he reached wooden door, burst through them and fell to his knees.  
  
"FRASER!!!!!"  
  
He was covered in sweat, panting and shivering; the desperate cry still fresh on his quivering lips.  
  
"I'm here, ray. Please, calm down. I'm here. It was just a dream. Breath."  
  
Fraser's hands were on his shoulders rubbing in soothing motions, making Ray's breath hitch. He didn't want those hands to let go.   
  
"Stay..."  
  
He didn't want to sound needy but Fraser was already retreating, so he grabbed his forearm and pulled.  
  
"Please...."  
  
Reluctantly Ben sat down on the bed and let his troubled friend lean against his side. Fraser's strong arm circled Ray's shoulders bringing him closer and his face was almost in Ray's spiky hair.  
  
"What did you dream about?"  
  
"I don't know.... I was in an alley and... someone was dead and I think I killed them. I had a gun... and then I think someone wanted to kill me too because I started to run. I ran and ran until I thought I was going to die of exhaustion. And I was running to you, because I knew that I couldn't trust anyone else. I could only think to get to you and then it would be alright. I reached some wooden door, and fell to my knees calling your name."  
  
Sharp intake of breath by his ear made him turn around and look curiously at the Mountie.  
  
"What is it?"  
  
"Ray, that was not just a dream. It was a memory."  
  
“A memory?"  
  
“Yes, Ray. It were the wooden doors of the Canadian Consulate. That day when I heard you scream in the hallway you almost gave me a heart attack."  
  
"What happened?"  
  
"We were on the phone that afternoon. You called to apologize and cancel our evening because you were meeting your informant. Later you woke up in that alley with a gun in your hand, beside a dead body of the man you were supposed to meet. Police tried to arrest you but you resisted, and started to run."  
  
"I did? That's stupid."  
  
"A bit. But it all ended well. You reached the consulate. I treated your wounds and put you under arrest to get time to clear your name. Since the consulate is on Canadian soil, to get you out of the Consulate they would need to file a request for extradition  in Ottawa."  
  
"Ok, don't say anything more. I know you did the right thing since I'm not in jail..."  
  
"Yes, we were through a lot together, my friend."  
  
"Yeah..." Ray smiled and snuggled closer to Fraser's chest.   
  
Next time he woke up he wasn't dreaming of death and fear. He felt incredibly good and relaxed, surrounded by a nice musky smell and warmth. It felt good with the morning arousal humming softly through his body while his mind was desperately trying to hold onto a very pleasant dream which was already escaping his grasp… darkness… water… a kiss?  
  
His nose was nuzzling the strong, muscled chest and when his eyes slid open he realised that he was drooling on Fraser’s Henley. He sighed softly and let his eyelids drop again, hoping to catch few more minutes of bliss in his friend’s arms.  
  
“Good morning, Mr Kowalski.”  
  
Fraser jumped, immediately releasing his hold on Ray.  
  
“Doctor! Good morning.” In an instant he was standing at parade rest beside the bed and only his slightly flushed cheeks betrayed his discomfort over being caught in his friend’s bed.  
  
“Good morning, Corporal…” The doctor’s eyes were on the Mountie and his face was strangely unreadable. “I have some good news, gentlemen. We have all the results we needed. You may take your friend home as soon as the formalities are done.”  
  
The smile on Fraser’s face was blinding. About an hour later Ray was already being taken from the hospital but to his dismay it wasn’t Fraser doing the taking.

 

TBC


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thank you Tracy42 (I hope you're still alive!) and Ride_Forever (here's another AN!!! ;)

“I’m fine, mom. I don’t need your help. Come on…” Barbra pushed her scrawny son away to reach for the fridge. She was fussing over his every move and currently she was also in the middle of unpacking tons of food into Ray’s cupboards.  
  
“I may be amnesiac but I have my pizza driver’s number saved in my phone, right here! I don’t need all this. Fraser, back me up.”  
  
Fraser once again was making himself as scarse as possible on Ray’s couch where Mr. Kowalski was showing him on his phone pictures from his fishing trips. Ray decided to give up on harassing his mother in favour of pestering his handsome friend.

“Ray, your Mother only tries to help and make sure you are settled. If you ask me, I think you should show some appreciation.”

“Jesus Ben, you sound like my dad! … no offence dad.”

Damien just smiled and pated Fraser’s knee. “None taken, Stanley. I’m glad there’s someone to straighten you up when I’m not around.”

Ray turned back to the kitchen trying to swallow a snide comment because whatever Fraser was doing to him it surely wasn’t making him any  _straighter_. He even started to actually help Barbra with stashing the food looking for a distraction but he kept glancing at the Mountie on his couch. He kind of envied his dad right now… 

“Fraser, let’s go out!”

“You have guests, Ray.”

“Oh no, you two go ahead. I’ll cook you something for dinner and we’ll be gone before you get back. Have fun.” Barbra practically pushed them out the door.  
  
“Alright, Ray. Where would you like to go?”  
  
“Whatever... Let’s get Dief and take him for a walk.”  
  
Meeting the wolf was something Ray was reluctantly looking forward to. At first he was afraid that the wolf may attack him. He couldn’t remember his relationship with the canid and no matter how much Fraser tried to convince him that they were buddies, Ray still wasn’t sure. It was a wolf after all and wolfs eat people, don’t they?

“Ray, wolfs tend to fear and avoid humans, not attack them. And I assure you that Diefenbaker would not eat you even if you had a fast food plaque on your forehead. He eats doughnuts, not people. And he’s your friend. He adores you.”

But whatever Fraser told him, nothing could prepare him for all the licking he received from the overjoyed animal. Of course, he also didn’t really mind, no matter how much he whined and bitched about the slobber in his hair.  
  
“Diefenbaker is really very happy to see you, Ray. And he’s irritatingly proud of the fact that you remembered him but not me.”  
  
“Hey, I remembered you too!”  
  
The wolf snorted and whined softly. “He says that since you didn’t remember my name it doesn’t count and that it means you like him better.”  
  
Dief whined again. “…and that you owe him a doughnut. I don’t know on what basis… don’t ask me.” Ray took the furry head in his hands and kept it immobile to make sure the smartass could read his lips.  
  
“We’re buddies, Dief, but if you’re going to be a dick to Fraser I may want to convince him that castrating a city dog is actually a good idea.”  
  
There was a long moment of silence. “Amazing, Ray. That is officially the very first time I see him speechless.”  
  
“Good. Come on. Let’s get some hot-dogs. You too, fur-face, come on.” Ray grabbed Fraser’s arm and pulled him along. It didn’t feel strange or awkward. Fraser didn’t flinch or pulled away. It was nice but not nearly enough. When all three of them had their food they moved again and Ray was already trying to find a reason to actually hold Benton’s hand.  
  
When picking up Dief, Ben used the opportunity to change into some clean clothes and it was the first time Ray saw him in civilian clothes. Faded blue jeans, opened shirt on a white T-shirt, a leather jacket and untied hiking boots looked too good to be true on the Canadian. After a few minutes of walking and pretending to listen Ben’s Inuit story the urge to actually take his hand was becoming irresistible. Ray almost did it just like that, but then he spotted about one foot tall brick wall surrounding the lawn. He threw the rest of his food to Dief and stepped onto the narrow concrete fencing.  
  
“Hey buddy, give me your hand.” Without hesitation Fraser’s hand rose and grabbed Ray’s to give him support he hardly needed. Ben’s fingers were long and his skin warm. The blond expected the feeling to be familiar, proving that maybe they did it often but it wasn’t. He felt tingles in his stomach and buzzing in his chest. His body wasn’t used to that kind of touch any more than his brain. When the wall ended he jumped off but his hold on Benton remained for a few delectable seconds longer than necessary.  
  
“How about we go to the 27th, see if anything looks familiar to me?”  
  
“Of course , Ray. But only if you’re ready.”  
  
“Hey, I’m with you. I’m ready to do about anything. You should know that by now.”  
  
Ben stopped and looked at Ray curiously. “I know, Ray. And it scares me sometimes when I think how much you trust me.”  
  
Ray pulled on his sleeve, stirring  him to move along. “Sure I trust you. You’re a Mountie. You can’t lie and you always do the right things.”  
  
“I wish it was that simple.”  
  
“It is.”  
  
And so they walked through the park, enjoying the lazy afternoon sun. As they moved toward the streets  Ray’s arm found its way to circle the Mountie’s shoulder and stayed there. This  _was_  familiar, so it was something they did. It was nice. But all too soon it was gone and his arm hung abandoned at his side.

The detective watched as Fraser helped some old lady cross the street, and smiled. Everything was right with the world.  
  
He moved along instinctively remembering the way to his precinct. Soon Fraser was back at his side but at this point  Ray’s bravado was gone and he didn’t dare to reclaim the possessive hold on his friend.  
  
The bullpen was a mess, packed with people: cops and criminals. At first Ray paused at the overwhelming chaos but instantly Ben’s arm was around him, resting reassuringly at the small of his back, encouraging him to step further inside.  
  
“Well, well! Look what we have here!” One of the guys Ray vaguely remembered from the hospital yelled through the bullpen.  
  
“Hello Fraser.” Every woman in the precinct hurried to greet the Mountie. To Ray’s undying amusement his friend was dodging attacks of female hands left and right, even trying to hide behind Ray. Finally, after apologizing for the hundredth time he simply grabbed Ray’s hips and pushed him forward, toward a spot which was immediately recognized as something almost as familiar as home.  
  
“Hey, it’s my desk, right?”  
  
“Yes, Ray.”  
  
“Look, I have a rubber duck.”  
  
“Yes. Can you remember where you got it?”  
  
“Hmmm… maybe….”  
  
 Ray squeezed the toy smiling at the squeaking sound. He was pretty sure that it was from one of their cases.  
  
“I remember… that there was a lot of them… falling on me… I don’t know…”  
  
“It’s alright, Ray. Don’t push it. Maybe you would like to look through the files of some cases? Maybe something in there will trigger your memories.”  
  
“Sure. I can try that.”  
  
He was patiently looking through some random cases he and Fraser cracked over the last two years, most of them ringing some tiny little bells in his head others not so much. At one point a dark skinned chick called Fraser to consult him about something and using this opportunity Ray fished out the file he really wanted to study: Fraser’s file. For some reason he spotted the folder in his top desk drawer hidden inconspicuously in a ‘Canadian Impressionists’ cover.  
  
First thing he saw after opening the folder was a big picture of Benton with very short hair and startled look on his face. It was attached to the inside of the cover with a paperclip and it made Ray gasp audibly. Fraser on the picture was wearing a suit. There was a wire coming out of his ear and disappearing inside his collar. He looked like a body guard. His face was so young that Ray would say he was twenty, but on the back was a case number and a date going back sometime to Fraser’s partnership with Vecchio. As tempting as it was to just read his friends files Ray couldn’t take his eyes off the pic for a long time. It was gorgeous. He almost moaned looking up and catching a sight of the very same man, dressed in jeans and leather jacket, helping that dark skinned police woman with her case.  
  
She wasn’t looking at the things the Mountie was pointing in her files. She was looking at Fraser’s lips this whole time and Ray doubted she really had any issue that required the Mountie’s help. It was just another attractive woman infatuated with the oblivious Canadian. She was practically undressing Fraser with her eyes but his friend remained completely blind to all her efforts. Why? She was pretty. Ray could almost see himself trying to ask her out, but Fraser? Somehow Ray couldn’t imagine Fraser asking the girl out. And not just this girl, but any girl really. But then, why would he? None of them was good enough, right? Fraser was too smart and too polite to be with just any girl… and too gorgeous…  A dull pain in his chest almost took Ray’s breath away. He was so impossibly jealous; he almost couldn’t breathe. He let his head drop and tried to concentrate on the file in his hands.  
  
The picture immediately reclaimed his attention. It was marked as an evidence in a case. It shouldn’t be in Fraser’s personal files. And it looked like someone just added it there, at the top, to find easily... Like it was something Ray had put there to… to maybe just look at it… Damn, it was crazy. He was investigating himself and it appeared to be much more difficult than he expected. He was pretty sure he was a simple guy. But now he was looking at himself from a perspective of another person and he wasn't sure of anything anymore.

After waking up in the hospital he felt light, like he had a fresh start and a new life ahead of him. Now was the first time he was feeling fear. There was a person he once was and he wasn’t sure if he wanted to know everything about that person again. He liked what he had now but even though he often wished he could remember things he did in Canada and Chicago with his partner, there was also that feeling, that not everything in his recent life was rainbows and kittens. Or Mounties and wolfs for that matter. There was more and it made him want to step back and hide because what his instinct had been trying to tell him, was something he wasn’t feeling ready to accept.  
  
He checked the case number from the pic and tried to find where it belonged to but the files were not in his cabinet. Of course it wasn’t. It was Vecchio’s case, not his. Now it was probably stashed in the archive with the rest of the Italian’s documents.  
  
But the picture stayed in Ray’s drawer. He must’ve taken it when he was still pretending to be Vecchio and had access to his stuff. Ray didn’t really want to think about why he had taken it and why he had kept it there in easy access but at the same time hidden… He felt like a freak.  
  
Since the photograph was already missing from the case files Ray decided that no one would notice if he took it home. He slid it carefully to his pocket. Now, when the distraction was out of the way he could finally start to actually read something.  
  
It was strange how everything seemed in a way new but at the same time it was once again like putting together puzzle pieces. Ray knew about all of it, like it was a poem known by heart.  
  
Suddenly his eyes bulged out. Maybe he really did have it memorized… And how crazy that would be? He was starting to feel sorry for himself. This case of ‘His relationship with Fraser’ was becoming more and more obvious. All evidence screamed about a pitiful crush on his gorgeous partner. It was sad really.

He turned on his computer and his fingers typed the password without even letting Ray to think about it. He took a moment to try and remember what word was it but to no avail. The memory was gone from his mind remaining however in his hands.  
  
“Hmmm... cool.”

He put the files back and walked up to Fraser stopping much further than he really wanted to, hands hidden in his jeans pockets to refrain from unnecessary touching.  
  
“Come on, buddy. Let’s grab something to eat.”  
  
“Right away, Ray. Excuse us, Elaine.”  Fraser was standing ramrod straight, tipping his hat at the lovesick girl.  
  
“Sure, Fraser. Thanks for the help.”  
  
“No problem, Elaine. I am always glad to help.”  
  
Fraser opened the door for him, but Ray tried not see too much into it. The guy opened doors for everyone and helped everyone. Ray walked through the precinct and realized that he knew which way was leading to the bathroom, where was Welsh’s office also where was a morgue and jail cells. He knew this place. He was just about to drag Fraser around to show how much he remembered when something started to ring in his pocket. After winning the fight with his phone to pull it out, he looked at the screen, frowning at Stella’s name.  
  
“Hey, Stella, what’s up?” He looked at Fraser but the Mountie just turned away and walked out of the building. Ray followed.  
  
_“Ray, I called some of our friends. I think it would be good for you to meet them and catch up, maybe reminiscence a little to help you remember more about your past.”_

“Friends?”

 _“We’re meeting at six at my place, Ray. Please, dress nicely, ok?”  
_  
“I don’t know, Stell. It’s my first day out of the hospital. I’d rather…” He paused. He’d rather spend it at home with Fraser...  
  
_“You’d rather what, Ray? Tell me. Or do you want me to guess, huh?”  
_  
“What do you mean?”  
  
_“You know what I mean. Why don’t you hand him the phone?”  
_  
“What? How did you know he’s with me?”  
  
_“It’s not even funny, Ray. Just let me talk to him.”_  
  
Fraser was still looking away, seemingly interested in the kids playing on the other side of the street.  
  
“Hey, Frase? It’s Stella. She wants to talk with you…” He pushed the phone at Fraser’s shoulder but it took a moment for his friend to react and take it.  
  
“Hello?” He looked tense. Ray couldn’t catch Stella’s words no matter how hard he tried to eavesdrop.

“I can’t tell him what to do. Ray either wants to go or not.” Some high pitched sounds reached Ray’s ears and then suddenly the call ended and Fraser was giving him his phone back.  
  
“Your ex-wife wishes to see you tonight. She invited your mutual friends so they could try and help you with your memories.”  
  
Ray scratched his elbow, frowning.  
  
“What else did she say?”  
  
“Nothing, Ray.” Ray’s hand reached out and grabbed the back of Ben’s leather jacket. It stayed there as they walked back to the park.  
  
“Do you know any of those supposed friends of mine?”  
  
“No Ray. You’ve never introduced me to any of your friends.”  
  
“Then they probably aren’t my friends at all.”  
  
“You’ve never introduced me to your parents either, but they  _are_  actually your parents.”  
  
“What was that supposed to mean?”  
  
“That maybe your wife is right.-“

“She’s not my wife anymore!”

“Fine, your ex-wife. Maybe she’s right. Maybe you trust me too much and maybe you shouldn’t count on me as much as you do. Maybe I really do mess up your memories somehow…”  
  
“WHAT? What are you saying, Frase?”  
  
“I… I don’t know. Maybe I am a bad influence. You kept me away from your personal life and now… I’m not sure I have any right to step in… Don’t understand me wrong, Ray, I want to …”  
  
“What the hell did she tell you?! I don’t want to go there and meet anyone! I want to take you to my place, order pizza and watch a hockey game!”  
  
“If this is what you want, fine, but I think you should go and see.”  
  
“What?” It felt like a stab in the back.  
  
“You should go, Ray. Meet those people. See your own reaction. I don’t know how close you were with them or what kind of memories they may help you trigger. I don’t really want to leave you alone, and I _do_ want to spent this evening the way you planned it, but I can’t be that selfish. What if it was the other way  around. What if you were with them from the start after your accident and someone would prevent you from ever meeting me. I can’t…”  
  
It took a moment for the blond to think it through. “Ok. I get your point, but it still doesn’t make me want to go there, so… come with me.”  
  
“No, Ray. You kept me separated from that side of your life and I assume you’ve had you reasons to do so.”

“You say I was meeting those people without you?”

“Possibly?”

“Ok, like when?”  
Fraser stopped walking to do the thinking. Few times he opened his mouth almost starting to speak but every time he did, he quickly closed them again.

“I don’t know Ray… You said once that your wife kept all your friends after the divorce. I think they are a part of your life with her and that you may remember more about your marriage if you actually meet them.”

It was pointless. The Mountie was as stubborn as a mule, so Ray pulled out his phone again and called Stella.

“Hi, Stell.  Tell me about those people I’m supposed to meet.”

_“They’re our friends. We’ve met Jane and Thomas during our honeymoon in Paris, Patrick and Lisa were at collage with me...”_

“When was the last time I’ve seen them?”

_“… well, I don’t know… I wasn’t stalking you after our divorce. It was your hobby.”_

“Ok, right. So, can say for sure I’ve seen any of them in the last two years?”

_“I don’t know, Ray.”_

“Can you ask them?”

_“Ray…”_

“Stella, could you please ask them? Please? If you really want to help me…”

_“All right. I know you haven’t. But it’s not because they’re not your friends. It’s because you were undercover as Ray Vecchio!”_

“Then since the divorce.”

“….” The silence on the other end of the line was telling Ray more than any words.

“Stella?”

_“Just give me a chance, Ray.”_

“I will, but if they’re your friends, not mine, I need to know.”

 _“They were your friends too once. You promised me Ray. Before you ran off after that purse snatcher you promised you would-...”_ The pain in Ray’s head was sharp and stabbing, instantly squeezing tears from his eyes. The phone hit the ground and Ray would soon follow if not for a pair of strong arms around his torso. He was being pulled away and onto a park bench. His head was between his knees and a soothing hand was rubbing circles over his back. He distantly heard Fraser talking to Stella on the phone but couldn’t really concentrate on his words. He wanted to go home. His face was wet with sweat, tears and warm sticky slobber and only after Fraser pulled Diefenbaker away did Ray notice what the woof had been doing.

“Jesus, Dief… That’s so gross…” He tried to dry his face with a sleeve but it was pointless. He needed water and soap. The wolf wined softly and put his muzzle on Ray’s shoulder. The detective couldn’t help but smile and hug him, already feeling that his headache was leaving.  

“Ray, are you alright?”

“Yeah, Frase, ‘m fine.”

“Ms. Kowalski decided to reschedule meeting with your friends until you feel better. She admitted that it was too soon.”

“Good. They’re not my friends. Can we go home now? Watch a game? Eat?”

“Whatever you wish, Ray.”

“How ‘bout a hug?”

Ray wasn’t sure if it was a setting sun or a real blush on the Mountie’s pale face but red definitely looked good on him.

“A hug?”

“Yeah…” When Ray stood up Benton immediately sprang up from his kneeling position and onto his feet too. “A hug. It’s what friends do, you freak.” The last words were mumbled into Fraser’s collar because Ray was already hanging on the brunet’s neck breathing softly and humming some absurd tune.

“I’m with  you, Ray. All the way.” Ben’s arms circled his waist and stayed there for a moment. They were moving slowly over the small of Ray’s back until one of them brushed an uncovered sliver of skin between Ray’s T-shirt and his jeans. The embarrassing shiver Ben’s touch induced in Ray’s body didn’t go unnoticed, but at least was misinterpreted.

“You’re cold, Ray. We should go.” Fraser grabbed the hem of the shorter man’s shirt and pulled it down to protect him from the evening breeze.

“I hate those fucking headaches.”

“I know.” Fraser was already pushing Ray gently away from his warm body.

“Will you carry me home?” At that the Mountie actually chuckled.

“Of course, Ray. Piggyback or bridal style?”

“Bridal would be more comfortable but my mum would probably have a heart attack if she saw you carrying me through the threshold…”

“True, so, piggyback ride?”

“No… I’ll walk. With your back you would probably drop me.”

“My back? You remember me having trouble with my back?”

Ray paused. Where did that come from? “Yeah I…. I don’t know. I just knew.”

“Well, I’m not having these sort of trouble anymore, so if you feel inclined to faint feel free to do so anytime. I am perfectly capable to carry you home safely.”

“Prove it!”

The situation was becoming ridiculous but Ray’s headache was gone and he felt once again very carefree or even playful. Suddenly he really wanted to make Benton laugh because no matter how many things about his friend was popping up in his head, he still couldn’t remember ever seeing the man laugh.

Benton’s eyes darkened suddenly and Ray was shivering again, staring into those wild, incredible pools of pure blue shining with untamed life. Ray’s head spun at a rapid motion of being swept off his feet. Literally. Being held like that in another man’s arms should not feel this good and comfortable, but the air was getting kind of chilly in the evening and somewhat heavy… Dark clouds shadowed the surrounding and a soft hum of thunder whispered from afar warning that a storm was coming. Ben was warm and strong and solid… and Ray was laughing. His crazy friend was carrying him across the park.

“You’re unhinged! You can’t carry me around a park like that, Fraser! Put me down!” But he didn’t struggle and he couldn’t stop laughing.

“Why? Isn’t that what you wanted, Ray? You wanted me to prove I could.”

“Competitive much? Ok then, prove you can give me a massage when we get home.”

“Careful what you wish for, Ray.”

The Mountie’s low chuckle so close to his ear made Ray tremble again and all of a sudden being held so close to the man wasn’t so comfortable any more.

“Ok, Frase. Put me down. I believe you.”

Slowly, carefully, reluctantly (?) Fraser eased Ray back onto his feet, his hand sliding over the detective’s back and then away, to his own side. He linked his hands behind his back, even in his civilian clothes still too polite to just stick them into his pockets, and watched Ray smile at him stupidly for no other reason than that he felt like it.

When the first drops of warm rain fell onto their hot faces they didn’t even notice it for a moment.

“Time to go, Ray.” The blond expected to feel that familiar hand on his back or on his shoulders, but Fraser only gestured to the way in front of them and they started to walk again. He was slouching more now that Fraser wasn’t touching him in any way. The disappointment he felt was absolutely over the top considering it was about such a small, silly thing. He was sulking, hoping Fraser wouldn’t notice.

And then a Stetson landed on his head and Ray’s world filled with sunshine again, but only until wet muddy paws landed forcefully on the front of his T-shirt.

“Cut it out, Dief! Go away!”

“Diefenbaker!” Fraser scowled and brushed some wet hair from his forehead. “Diefenbaker suggests we should hide under that roof. Can you run, Ray?”

“Sure.”

And so they ran straight to the small arbour surrounded with swings, slides and sandboxes. Ray’s heart was racing. He was used to running ridiculous distances and his current state was more of an excitation that exhaustion, but it still was making his heart pound heavily in his chest and he still couldn’t stop smiling.

The air was changing, rain caging them in the arbour, cutting them off completely from the rest of the world. Ray looked at his friend. Fraser’s eyes were closed and he was breathing deeply through his nose with a small smile on his lips. Now when Ray thought about it, the air actually smelled very nice.

“Hey Ben, what’s this smell?” Blue eyes opened instantly and met Ray’s green ones.

“I’m sorry?”

“You know… the smell of rain. You ever wondered where it comes from?”

“Well, there are actually three primary sources of smells that commonly occur during and after rain.”

There was a lecture coming right here and Fraser apparently was giving Ray a chance to avoid it, but something in Ray’s guts didn’t let him. He wanted to encourage his friend to tell him more. He wanted to spend forever in that secluded place, listening to some crazy stuff he had no real interest in, just to be able to watch Fraser’s mouth as he spoke. So, he gave him this little nudge…

“Three?”

The man was like an audio book. You turn it on and it goes on and on until you turn it off.

“Yes, Ray. The “clean” smell, in particular after a heavy thunderstorm, is caused by ozone.  Ozone is notably pungent and has a very sharp smell that is often described as similar to that of chlorine. Sometimes you can smell ozone before the storm has even arrived. It is because lightning can sometimes rip nitrogen and oxygen molecules in the environment to pieces. This can ultimate result in a small amount of ozone forming, which wind then carries down to ground level.”

“You say I can smell ozone? Ozone actually has a smell?”

“Of course Ray. The average human nose can pick out the distinctive smell of ozone at a concentration as little as 10 parts per billion. Actually, the word ‘Ozone’ comes from the Greek  _ozein_ , which means ‘to smell’.”

“Hm… I think I smell wet dirt.” Ray did his best to keep that silly conversation going because this was _right_. It was something he knew, something he enjoyed and liked.

“Well, that’s another generally pleasant smell caused by rain. This deep, earthy smell is the strongest after a dry spell or particularly heavy rainfall.  It’s the result of a bacteria commonly found in the soil.”

“Bacteria? You tellin’ me that bacteria come out of dirt during rain? And I breathe them in? Can I die from it?”

“No, Ray. Actually it’s ozone that is remarkably dangerous and in relatively high concentrations, it can destroy cells in your lungs. Luckily, the concentration of ozone before or after a thunderstorm is highly unlikely to do you any lasting harm.”

“And the bacteria crawling out of dirt and into my nose?”

“I never said anything about murderous crawling bacteria, Ray. Certain microbes, particularly streptomyces, produce spores during overly dry periods. The longer the soil goes without rain, the more spores are usually present. The smell isn’t actually caused by the spores themselves, though. Rather it’s caused by a chemical excreted during the production of the spores known as ‘geosmin’. As powerful a smell as ozone is, it has nothing on geosmin, which can be detected at concentrations of 5 parts per trillion!”

Fraser’s mouth when he said ‘five’ stretched in that characteristic way that told Ray his friend was genuinely fascinated by those absurd things he was spouting.

“You know, Ray, the sheer sensitivity of the human nose to this chemical is likely why in wooded areas particularly, the smell is so powerful and also why the smell of ozone is usually more noticeable in the city, where there is less chance of geosmin dominating your sense of smell. Right now, we are in the park area so the smell of geosmin is stronger. And here comes the third cause of after-rain-smell. That one is largely due to petrichor - oils produced by various plants to stun their growth and prevent releasing seeds in unfavorable, dry conditions. These oils collect in the environment and, when it rains, certain chemicals that make up the oils get released into the atmosphere (usually along with geosmin) causing that familiar and…” Here Fraser’s eyes fell shut again and he breathed in deeply through his nose. “…inviting scent.”

When Fraser was around even some crappy little park could suddenly feel like a rain forest. Right there in this small scrap of green in the big, smog filled city, the Mountie was still able to see the Nature doing its miracles. The man was made to live in the  wild. Knowing that, and still seeing him every day in the most civilized form possible, dressed in uniform and standing straight and tall on a pointless guard duty by the consulate door, was simply wrong.

“Fraser, why did you come back to Chicago?”

“Why wouldn’t I? There was nothing waiting for me in Canada…”

It was so easy for Ray to believe that he was the thing waiting for Ben  in Chicago. The hope of being a reason enough for Fraser to stay was just too tempting. But, didn’t Fraser say it himself back in the hospital, that no one waits for him anywhere? No one except Ray…

Or was it the other Ray keeping Benton around? Or maybe that black chick from the bullpen? Or the Ice Queen? Or some other person Ray couldn’t or refused to remember?

All that thinking only made him want to kick someone in the  head so he just stopped. He would follow his instincts in this rather than his fucked up head. It was broken, so it probably would be useless anyway.

“They had a job waiting for you in Canada.”

“There was a job waiting for me here too.”

“Being Thatcher’s lap dog and standing by the door without blinking?”  
Ray tried not to get angry but he discovered that his friend was so impossibly frustrating that it was sometimes hard not to hit him. Fraser turned away, looking at rain drops hitting green vine leaves.

“I’ve made my choice, Ray. Are you telling me you’d rather I had stayed in Canada?”

“No! I mean… you would have all that nature you love so much in your arms reach.”

Fraser’s eyes dropped from the leaves to the tips of his untied shoes.

“Yes, it is nice to have something you love in your arms reach…” Ray’s heart ached and he wasn’t sure if it was from all the sadness in his partner’s voice or from the painful truth of his words.

They reached Ray’s apartment block ten minutes later, both wet to the bone, and Ray covered in mud.

 TBC


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ButterflyGhost and Ride_Forever - Thank you kindly for reviewing!

After opening his apartment door first thing Ray noticed was a nice smell of homemade food but all too soon it was replaced by the distinct smell of a wet dog.

“Noooo! Dief! Don’t even think about it!” The wolf  stopped obediently just a foot away from Ray’s dry and comfy couch. “Sorry buddy. Don’t sulk. I’ll give you a blanky.”

Ray turned on his heel to fetch a blanket from the wardrobe by the door and found himself enveloped in another interesting wet smell. He froze with his nose practically touching Fraser’s collarbone and couldn’t force himself to move, because this scent was something surely no words could describe and no science explain. The effect it had on Ray was clearly beyond reason. He tried to swallow but it made his mouth dry. Pale skin just an inch from his face was quavering slightly under Ray’s heavy breath and the raindrops still gathered there were glistening happily in an almost irresistible invitation to lick them off.  And that smell… oh, gods, the smell…

“Ray?”

His head snapped up to look at his friend’s face. It would maybe serve as a distraction from the deliciously tempting skin of Fraser’s neck if it were anyone else. But it was Fraser, and after looking up Ray found no distraction. Just more temptation in a sinful form of messed up black hair, dripping with water. Fraser’s hair was never like that. It was always tamed, styled to obedience come hat or hell weather. But not now. Now it was perfect. And it wasn’t actually the first time Ray had seen it that way.

“I… remember you with wet hair… in the snow… smiling…”  
Fraser chuckled but his breath hitched a bit, making him cough discreetly to clear his throat.

“I remember a lot of you smiling when snow is around… or in your hair…”

“Yes, Ray. We’ve had some really enjoyable time together in the Territories.” Fraser wasn’t smiling now and suddenly not having any reason for a physical contact with him was unbearable for the amnesiac cop. He just wanted to touch him, his arm, his hand, his hair, his face… whatever, just feel Fraser’s warmth, his pulse, his skin. This painful yearning was pooling somewhere behind his stomach and he had to try really hard not act on it.

“I’m… can you give me the blanket? It’s in a…. it’s in there.” Ray pointed his finger toward the wardrobe door and stepped back. He needed some space. It was either retreating or jumping Fraser by the door in his darkened hall… The guy didn’t even have a chance to remove his boots yet.

“Of course, Ray.” Fraser quickly handed him the blanket and proceeded to remove his boots, then jacket, shirt and - Ray’s jaw dropped – a T-shirt!

“Ray, could I borrow a towel? I’m afraid I’m completely soaked.”

“Yea.. sure, buddy. Help yourself.”

Because at a time like this, even with his memories intact, Ray wouldn’t be able to remember where he kept some freaking towels. Fraser was standing in front of him wearing just a pair of faded blue jeans and he didn’t have any hair on his chest, but there were muscles and… and he looked solid and there was this tiny little trace of hair below his navel which was quickly driving Ray insane… and his nipples were darker than Ray expected…

“Ray… Ray…. Ray!”

“Wha-..?” He prayed he wasn’t drooling or having a massive nosebleed. The stirring in his pants was awkward enough, thank you.

“I said I’m not sure where you keep them.”

“I… I can’t remember.”

“Of course.” Fraser passed him in the tiny hall like it was completely normal and casual to just walk around half naked. Ray leaned his back on the wall and concentrated on steading his breathing. Finally he just slid down to the floor and let the wet-dog smelling wolf lick his ear.

“I know, Dief… I know. I’m not freaking out.”

A quiet whine was his answer. “You know the truth, don’t you, fur ball?” Another weird snort came out of the slobbery muzzle and it somehow sounded suspiciously like: “ _You’re both idiots.”_  Ray patted the white fur, enjoying how the damp pelt was still soft and slick. Dief licked his nose and Ray could swear he heard: “… _but I’ll cope since you give me doughnuts.”_

He chuckled and hugged the wolf. It wasn’t Fraser but it was good enough. Could be worse. He could’ve been alone and have no one at all to hug. Besides he was pretty sure that Ben wouldn’t mind some more cuddles. It was just that Ray wasn’t sure he could really keep it casual at the moment and making a fool of himself in front of the Mountie was something he would not survive.

He was still on the floor petting wet hackles when Benton emerged from his bathroom, dressed once again in his white T-shirt.

“I allowed myself to use your hair dryer, Ray. I hope you don’t mind.”

Ray stood up and walked to his friend, who did use dryer but surely not on his hair. Ray’s hand moved on its own and touched Fraser’s shoulder.

“It’s still damp. I’ll give you something else.”

“Thank you, Ray. It’s not necessary.”

 “Maybe, but surely will be nicer than wearing damp clothes. C'mon, off with it." And his treacherous hands did it again. Moved, grabbed Fraser's shirt and started to pull it up his back. His strong, smooth, scarred... very naked back...

He watched hard muscles working under white skin to take the shirt off, wondering how wonderful would it feel to just step forward and press against Fraser’s back, lean his head on the Mountie’s shoulder, nip his neck and…

He really needed to fucking  _stop_  thinking about those stuff!

“C’mon. Maybe I have some clothes that would fit you.”

He practically ran to his bedroom. Just as he expected it was a mess, even if Fraser really had ‘picked a few things’ when he was feeding the turtle. He was about to start looking for some stretched out tee, when…

“Is that my sweater?”

Fraser was already pulling something out from the deep dark corner of his wide open closet. It was something white and fluffy… and it _was_  a sweater. It was ragged and surely twice too big for Ray. It kind of  _did_  look like something Fraser would wear. Ray could already see him dressed in this crappy stretched out thing and still looking dashing.

“I don’t know… Is it?”

“It appears so, Ray, yes. I thought I had lost it on Henry Allen.”

Ray’s face scrunched up in disgust.

“Who’s Henry Allen?” Ray knew that name. He didn’t know how, but it made his stomach tie in knots and his voice rise.

“Henry Allen was a ship, Ray. We were on it when it sank. So maybe that was some other sweater… Honestly it is hard to say. My grandmother had made me a few and I wore them all for so many years that I can’t even really tell anymore. I probably should buy a new one someday…”

“It seems clean. I probably just left it here for some reason… and washed it to give it back…” They both looked at the closet remembering how the garment had been stuck into its darkest corner.

“I’m sure you did, Ray. That’s very convenient, isn’t it?”

The sweater seemed slightly too big even for Ben. It hung on him loosely, hiding his bulky figure, somehow making him look more slender, smaller an younger. The neckline was not only ripped but also stretched, putting that delicious collarbone on show for Ray to  _crave_. Black curls on top of the Mountie’s head were still wet and messed up, practically begging to be touched.

Ray cleared his throat and left the room, crossing the hall with few huge strides to quickly hide in the kitchen.

“You want some tea, buddy?”

Ben chased after him but kept his distance and sat at the kitchen island. Good. It was good. Greatness, because it was like his skin was bathed in some freaking aphrodisiac! If he always made Ray feel like that then it was no wonder that his mind decided to take a break and forget about everything for a while. It was easier back in the hospital, when Ray was still too lost and confused to pay attention to his own feelings. Now, in the quiet privacy of his own apartment, his mind and body suddenly decided to take liberties and that was  _not_  good. Ray needed to be careful. He didn’t want to lose Fraser’s friendship because of this damned amnesia.

They ended up on the couch watching a hockey game, Ray with a cold beer and Fraser with a cup of bark tea Ray had found in his cabinet. The dinner Ray’s mother prepared was still warm and they shovelled it up not even considering pizza; Fraser, because he clearly enjoyed homemade food and Ray, because he enjoyed the look on Fraser’s face when he smelled the content of the pot, telling Ray about the rabbit stew his grandmother used to make. 

At some point Ray’s cell disturbed their peaceful evening. He checked the caller ID and raised an eyebrow at the word ‘ASSHOLE’ on the screen. The Mountie seemed put off by the joke Ray apparently played on some unsuspecting soul.

“Just pick up and see who it is.” Ray frowned but did as he was told.

“Hello?”

It was Vecchio. “ _Hi Kowalski. Give me Benny_.”

“Hi asshole, there is no ‘Benny’ here.” Fraser didn’t roll his eyes but he did rub his forehead and his shoulders sagged a bit. Ray’s hand itched to pat his back. Finally the itching was too much and his fingers squeezed over a muscled shoulder.

“ _Cut it out, you twit. Give me Fraser_.”

“You know, Vecchio, I just realised something.” Blue eyes looked up at him and Ray winked playfully, with a smirk dancing on his lips. “You remind me of my ex. You two would make a nice match.”

He wasn’t sure if the gasp he heard came from Fraser or Vecchio.

“ _Really? I wish. She deserves to finally be with someone with looks, brains and sense of style_.”

“Fuck you. But if you’re serious she’s free tonight. I just spoiled her plans for the evening and something tells me she needs someone to whine about how Fraser ruins my life.”

Vecchio chuckled but his voice sounded serious. “ _You know, I wouldn’t let her badmouth Benny_.”

“I know. That’s why it should be you. She doesn’t believe a word I say, but maybe she would listen to a style pig like you.”

“ _Ok, maybe I’ll try. You sure about this?”_

“Sure. Whatever gets you both happy”. And out of our hair, but he didn’t add that aloud.

“ _And how do you feel? You sound more retarded, so it looks like you’re more yourself.”_

“Haredy-ha-ha! ‘m fine. Fraser won’t be impressed when I tell him what you just said!”

“ _You wouldn’t!”_

“Try me!”

 _“Ok, fine. Sorry. Are you guys fine? You don’t need anything_?”

“We’re fine. Fraser’s going to give me a massage.”

Fraser chocked on his tea. “W-what?” Ray patted his back with false concern beaming from his face and Vecchio’s laugh echoing from the phone.

“ _Don’t kill him, Kowalski. I hear him choking! Do some mouth to mouth or something_.”

“Yeah, I wish.”

“ _I know_.”

“You do?”

“ _You’re the dumb one, Kowalski, not me. Of course I know. Be good to him or I swear I’ll kill you_.”

“But…-“

“ _I’m hanging up and calling your wife. If you lied about her I’ll kill you anyway_.”

“Wait! Vecchio!”

“ _Tell Benny I’ll see him tomorrow_.”

The line went dead.

“Ray, are you alright?”

The game on the TV ended and the team Ray was rooting for had lost, but still he was smiling like an idiot. Vecchio knew something and Ray was going grill him about every detail.

“Sure, buddy. Why?”

“You just… set Ray up with you wife.”

“So?” The idea of Vecchio hitting on his ex-wife seemed hilarious at first but the more he thought about it the more it actually seemed nothing short of brilliant.

“You’re going to really, truly regret it once you get your memories back and realise that you have pushed away the love of your life. Not to mention whose arms you are pushing her into.” The seriousness in his friend’s eyes wiped the smile from Ray’s face. “It’s going to hurt, Ray. I don’t want you to hurt.”

“I know what I’m doing.” Their eyes met for one excruciatingly long moment before, to Ray’s utter disbelief, Fraser’s dropped to the floor.

“Ray! You… Ms. Kowalski finally seems willing to give you another chance. It’s something you’ve been craving for years! I can’t just keep quiet and watch you ruin your only chance to get her back… and to be happy.”

“I don’t need her to be happy, buddy. Trust me.”

“You have amnesia, Ray.”

“I know what I’m doing! And I feel it’s right! I have a… a hunch, okay? Maybe I don’t remember but I  _know_!”

“I can’t let you hurt yourself.”

“Why can’t you just fucking trust me for once?!”

Fraser’s eyes widened and his lips parted but for once that walking thesaurus seemed to not know what to say.

“You don’t trust me much, do you? And it’s not just now, am I right, buddy? You always do this. You think you know better and you believe you have to think for everyone and watch over them and save them. Like you’re the only one knowing what’s good for others. You try to make everyone happy, but if you’re so good at it then where’s your happiness, huh?”

Right when the words were out of mouth Ray felt like he stabbed his best friend in the back. The Mountie’s handsome face was unreadable. Ray waited for a polite but snarky answer that would make him swallow his words, but none came. Nothing. Not a word. Just some nervous eyebrow scratching then deep breath and… still nothing.

“Fraser.. I’m sorry.”

“No Ray. I apologise. I just don’t know what to do and how to act. All I know is that I don’t want you to do something you may regret later.”

“I know…”

“But I know I overstepped-“

“You didn’t! Just… stop. You didn’t do anything wrong. But you have to try and trust me this time.”

Hugging Fraser now would surely feel perfect and incredible, but Ray didn’t even dare to stop him when the man stood up and picked up his hat.

“It stopped raining. I should go.”

“No! Don’t… you don’t have to leave.”

“I’m sure you need your space too, Ray.”

He didn’t. He didn’t need any stupid space. He needed Fraser to stay but at this point he couldn’t ask him because obviously the freak needed to be alone for a bit. Probably to think or something. Thinking seemed like something Fraser would want to do when he’s alone. Ray was better at thinking when something was actually going on, when he was around people. Thinking when he was alone would probably get him nowhere.

“Ok… if you want to… Will I see you tomorrow?”

“Of course, Ray. If you need me for anything, you know you can call me anytime and I’ll be here as soon as I can.”

“I know.”

There was one more thing Ray dreaded to ask because it would confirm that Ben is not going to come first thing in the morning.

“What time do you finish work?”

“I can take another day off if-“

“No. It’s fine. I’ll pick you up, ok?”

“Of course, Ray. Thank you. Diefenbaker! Are you coming?”

Dief just made himself comfortable on Ray’s couch and yawned. The blond expected Fraser to be disappointed in the wolf’s behaviour but it was the opposite. Ben smiled at his furry friend and nodded.

“Very well then. I really didn’t like the idea of leaving you alone. It’s you first night in here…”

“Thanks. I’m glad he’s staying.” But he was totally devastated that Fraser wasn’t. He didn’t even know what to do as a goodbye. He tried to figure it out but before his brain took some speed his partner was already gone.

…

The water was cold and dark but the lips pressed to his were hot like fire. Fraser’s hands were on his face, keeping him in place and Ray’s brain was short-circuiting.

Suddenly they were no longer in the water. It was the cabin. Their bed was warm and soft, the fireplace was producing cracking noises in the other room while they were happily rutting against each other, covered in sweat and white sheets. Fraser’s hair was damp, exactly like after that rain in the park, and he didn’t mind what Ray’s fingers did to it. He moaned when the detective’s hand slipped under the quilt finding hot flesh of his partner’s arousal and squeezed gently, but firmly, pulling on the erected member to increase the blissful friction.

When he woke up he was on the verge of release. Instantly his boiling blood turned cold.

“Fuck…”

He sat up and wiped the sweat from his forehead.

“Fuck…” He needed to calm down. Think about… something ugly… or take a cold shower, because he simply refused to jack off to the images of his best friend and that was the only thoughts his brain was currently producing.

“I’m doneski…”  

He walked up to the window and opened it to get some fresh air. The night was nice and cool after the refreshing rain and it did help to clear Ray’s brain at least a little.

He had a wet dream about Fraser. It shouldn’t be a surprise considering he had hots for the guy, but something in this dream seemed almost real. The scene in the water and the kiss. It wasn’t the first time his brain was throwing that image at him. He had seen it before. The gears in his head moved reluctantly, still desperately trying to keep the dream in front of his mind’s eyes. Ray needed to think. He was almost sure it was a memory. He needed to try hard and remember. It was on that boat… Henry Robert. The boat was sinking… Was that the reason why Fraser had kissed him? Because they were about to die? Fuck… He needed to get his head straight. Fuck everything else, he wanted his memories back! And the cabin. What had happened there? If they were lovers why wasn’t Fraser telling him anything about it? Maybe it was only a single occurrence and Mr. Proper decided it was not worth mentioning, to not ‘mess’ with Ray’s memories…? If he only thought it was the right thing to do, he would do it. It wasn’t lying. It was simply not mentioning things that ‘don’t matter at this juncture’ or something… Fraser would surely find an excuse to anything if it suited his rightful goals. Dumbass.

Then again, maybe the kiss really didn’t matter? His heart sped up. He remembered asking: “ _Does it change anything… between us?”_  His cheeks filled with blood and suddenly the cool from the outside was not enough. He felt dizzy. They talked about it but he couldn’t remember Fraser’s answer. His head was spinning. Three strides that separated him from the bed seemed like running a marathon but he’d made it, finally, and fell face forward onto the comfy mattress letting the darkness envelop him in another dream.

He was in the bullpen quarrelling with Frannie about something stupid she said when Fraser walked in and their eyes met. Francesca gasped and was about to run to him but Elaine was there first, walking alongside his partner, smiling up at him charmingly, whispering something. But Fraser’s eyes were locked with his from the moment he crossed the threshold.

Without word Ray moved to the broom closet and a moment later Fraser was there too kissing the living daylight out if him. Ray was holding onto his lanyard like a lifeline, letting the Mountie to press him up against the wall and ravish his mouth. He moaned desperately wanting more and needing to be closer. The Stetson dropped to the floor but none of them cared. Fraser was holding Ray’s hips, pushing his own forward, rubbing against his partner. And then Ray felt the hottest, the most passionate kisses he had ever received, trailing the line over his jaw and to his neck, nipping at the tender flesh, sucking and licking the skin under his ear. Ray couldn’t hold it anymore and moaned Benton’s name, spreading his legs to let the Mountie press closer.  

Waking up like that was pretty bad the first time. Second time in the same night was completely fucked up. It was either dealing with it quickly right away or trying to wait it out. He needed to catch some sleep… He was exhausted physically and mentally. He needed a rest! But apparently he couldn’t sleep not raping his bed and he knew he wouldn’t be able to relieve himself without thoughts about his friend. There was no way out of this one.

TBC


	8. Chapter 8

Ray walked out of the shower towelling his hair viciously until it was all messed up in a very experimental way. He tied the towel loosely around his slim waist and strode to the kitchen, tempted by some delicious smell. He stopped in the doorway at the sight of a familiar back, clad in khaki shirt with rolled up sleeves and crossed with black suspenders. Fraser was dressed in his brown uniform but the jacket was already off and he was chopping vegetables for something he was apparently cooking in a wok Ray had no idea he owned.

The carrot sliced in perfect sticks landed in the wok with a sizzling sound. The Mountie picked a bottle of soy sauce and spilled it generously over the dish. It smelled like Chinese. Ray stepped forward to look over the taller man’s shoulder and check how it looked. Fraser smelled even more delicious than the food. Ray leaned forward and let his hands travel over the brunet’s body to rest on his stomach. His tongue darted out to lick the exposed neck hungrily turning it into a wet, passionate kiss. Finally, (FINALLY!) the Mountie slowly turned around with an almost invisible smirk and a dangerous glint in his eyes.

“I’m cooking, Ray.”

“I can see that….” Breathless and week on his legs Ray let the Canadian to push him back until his ass landed on a small table in the corner. Fraser’s mouth tasted like stir fry. His tongue plunged between Ray’s lips forcefully and mercilessly, trying to get all the taste Ray’s mouth had to offer. A uniform clad thigh pushed between slender naked legs, spreading them apart and pushing the towel up. Two big, pale hands helped and soon Ray lay bare and open for his friend.

He wanted to joke that the table’s ready, but all that came out of his mouth was a moan. His head flew back and hit the wall. He wanted to see Fraser’s eyes but the other man was already covering his torso with wet kisses, sucking his nipples and grazing his teeth over the tender skin of his belly. Slick tongue caressed his navel and Ray screamed begging for it to descend lower to his strained and throbbing member.

His back arched almost impossibly trying to get some friction where he wanted to feel it. He buried his hands in black silky locks and whimpered feeling heveanly heat closing over his leaking erection, sucking just the tip. Fraser’s hands were on his thighs touching sensually, covering every inch of skin.

“Ben…”

One hand moved down to caress Ray’s testicles but before the amnesiac had a chance to even gasp that heat took Ray in all the way and he was coming straight into his best friend’s throat.

He was soaked with sweat and cum. At least the sun was already up and Ray could just get up and face the day… face Fraser.

He took a deep breath and let his hand travel down his body to the oversensitive area between his legs. He rubbed himself lazily coming down from his orgasmic high.

“Fuck…”

His hand closed over his balls squeezing slightly when one finger accidentally reached too far and brushed even more sensitive puckered skin sending shiver through his whole body.

“Oh shit…”

It was time for another shower.        

It’s been a few days since he had left the hospital. A lot of his memories was coming back to him in his dreams. Some of them were about the cases he solved together with the crazy Canadian, some were about his parents or his childhood. There were even some things about Stella and their marriage… but most of them still were about him and Fraser - in the cabin, in showers, in the bull pen, in Ray’s car during stake outs… in the kitchen, in the Canadian Consulate… in a tent on the freaking quest! All of them making Ray unable to look his friend in the eyes the next day. It made their evenings kinda weird and tense.  

The case Elaine was involved with was bugging Fraser and they talked about it a lot; not just to avoid the awkwardness but because it was fun. It was their thing. So, without even planning to they started to investigate.

A two year old girl had gone missing. The report was filed by the girl’s grandmother who, according to Elaine, hadn’t seen the girl for days! The kid lived with her mother and grandmother in a small but nice house near the wooden area. Fraser went to talk to the woman and let Diefenbaker explore.

It appeared that she hadn’t seen the child for weeks, not days, but it didn’t matter anyway, because Fraser just gave Ray a sign that she was lying.

“I’m sorry, Corporal. I don’t know anything more.” She was squeezing one of the kid’s drawings in her wrinkled hands. “I’m sure it was that damn Nanny. I just feel… that something bad happened to my angel. I’m not saying she killed her, but… what if something happened by accident and she was afraid to tell us?” The woman was in tears. That was not a lie. She missed the child terribly.

“We’ll find her, ma’am. I mean your granddaughter.”

Ray noticed how Fraser didn’t mention finding the supposed kidnaper. Everyone was talking about that damn nanny, except Fraser.

“Dief, buddy, don’t do this.” The damn glutton was trying to stick his nose into one of the kitchen cabinets. Before Ray managed to pull him away the wolf dragged a bag of something out of there and onto the floor.

“I’m sorry. I’ll pick it up.”

Ray tried to put the bag’s content back onto the counter, but the woman hurried to do it by herself.

“It’s alright, gentlemen. Those are just air refreshers.”

She quickly picked them up and hid in the cabinet.

“Quite a lot of those you have there.”

“Yes, we have…a problem with… smell… plumbing.”

They quickly said their goodbyes and left.

“Plumbing. Right. When you have a problem with plumbing you call a plumber not buy car air refreshers.”

Observing from the save distance was the only thing they could do when someone was still in the house.

“I know, Ray, but we still need proofs… and the body.”

Thinking about the dead girl helped. It made Ray a bit less eager to think about other things. Things they did in this very car…. They did it on a stakeout at least once. Ray dreamed about it like two nights ago. They were watching some warehouse in the docks and Fraser was in his civvies. Ray was bored out of his mind and they were out of coffee so he asked Fraser to watch the building and band down to undo the Canadian’s jeans. His friend was already eager and ready, gladly welcoming the attention. Ray could almost feel the taste of Ben’s cum on his tongue…

“So, you don’t think the nanny did it?”

Ray started rather offhandedly. He knew the answer to that one but he wanted to start a conversation to take his thoughts out of a gutter.

Besides he hated to sit in silence and work was something they both still could do without any unfamiliar awkwardness. Well, most of times.

“There is no nanny Ray.”

“What?”

“There is no nanny. You’ve seen the toys and drawings in the girl’s room. There are her grandmother’s things everywhere, and the girl is with her grandma on every single drawing.”

“Really? All I could see on them were yellow blobs and brown blobs and pink blobs…”

Could Fraser really recognise someone from those? It would be even more unbelievable than understanding Dief.

“And the toys. A lot of them is knitted. I believe that Mrs Shipley was the one taking care of the child. Besides I asked Diefenbaker to sniff around and he confirmed my suspicions. If there was another person spending hours in that house everyday there would be at least a trace of smell for him to pick up on.”

Somewhere along the way of his recovery Ray realised that he had no doubts that his buddy could really speak to the deaf half-wolf.

 And he was perfectly fine with it.

“Wow… so now you say that the grandma did it?”

“I don’t think so, Ray. It’s clear as day that she loved the child deeply.”

“Maybe it was an accident, like she said?”

“She surely is hiding something.”

The kids mother was currently entering the house loaded with groceries.

“Why isn’t she taking the car?”

“What?” Ray was busy watching Fraser’s face. It looked the best when he was thinking about something intently. Ray loved those moments when Fraser had an idea. His eyebrows were up and he was licking his lower lip looking so excited.

“She has a car, Ray. When I was there the first time she came back from somewhere in her car. The car is right there, behind the house. Why would she choose to carry all those things when she could’ve just taken the car?”

“You think she would use her own car? No one is that stupid. Maybe it’s just broken?”

Fraser’s eyes were glued to the damn car and Ray had a bad feeling about it.

“Fraser?”

“I need to check this car, Ray.”

“You think Elaine didn’t?”

“I don’t think so, Ray. She had no reason to…”

“Wait. You know that air refreshers won’t help to chase away the smell. It will still be there when we get the order…”

“I don’t have jurisdiction here and you are on a sick leave.”

“Elaine will do it. Don’t go.”

Fraser’s eyes were shining. He wasn’t smiling because the discovery meant the kid was dead, but he was clearly happy to solve the case. Or maybe he enjoyed that thing between them, working in synch, thinking together, being partners. It was fun.

“I’ll call Elaine to get the order.”

“But Ray… what if we’re wrong? What if it’s not the car? We need to be careful. If it’s not the car we may scare them off with the searching.”

“It is the car, Fraser. I have a hunch. Trust me. ‘sides if it’s not, we’re here. We’ll see if they’re up to something. We will watch them around the clock.”

One look into Fraser’s hopeful and excited eyes was enough for Ray to immediately give in.

“Ok. You go back there to ask something. When they go to talk to you, I’ll check the car.”

Ben licked his lower lip driving Ray’s attention very far away from their unofficial case.

“Actually, Ray, I am not very good at lying.”

“Huh?”

“I can’t lie, Ray.”

“Oh, right. Canadian. And a Mountie. Then I’ll go to keep them busy and you check the car.”

“That’s perfect, Ray.”

A moment later Ray was by the door talking to one of the women, claiming that Dief had dropped his collar somewhere and together they started to look for it without protests. It meant that the inside of the house was clear and they had nothing to hide. Through the window Ray could see Fraser opening one of the car’s back door. He Mountie pulled out a handkerchief from his pocket and covered his nose. Bingo. Nothing could kill the smell of a dead body from a car.

“Are you sure he dropped it here, Detective?”

“No, actually. I honestly just noticed that it’s missing. Maybe I’ll check the car one more time. I’m sorry.”

Ray backed to the door but the crying older woman once more caught his attention. She was sitting in an old armchair by the kid’s bed, holding a ragdoll in her hands.    

Fraser was right. She didn’t do it. When he got back to the car, Fraser was already there.

“It’s the car, right?”

“Yes, Ray.”

“I knew it. I’m calling Elaine.”

“Tell her we should search the woods. The body was in that car for some time but it’s gone now. Also, please, tell her that Diefenbaker and I would gladly join the search party.”

This was greatness. It felt so right, so perfect! They were made to work together like that. Ray loved it! Once more he couldn’t stand the idea of not remembering dozens of other times they did that. He wanted to remember every second of their time spend together! But, it wasn’t that simple.

A lot of things was coming back, but there were still things that simply didn’t. Judging from his dreams him and Fraser were fucking for months. And Fraser didn’t tell him. The question WHY was killing Ray. It was insane. It was either that Ben for some reason believed that Ray should take the chance with Stella or… that he regretted what was between them and didn’t want Ray to remember. Either way it sucked! What pissed off the blond even more was that he couldn’t stay angry at the Mountie. He tried but then the Canadian would make those puppy eyes or treat Ray with a disappointed look in his eyes and Ray would apologise. Needless to say that the constant hard on wasn’t making things any easier either.

On Saturday Stella forced him to finally meet their mutual ‘friends’ who were, as he expected,  _Stella’s_  friends. Vecchio was going to be present, also as Stella’s friend. Ray didn’t mind. It helped to convince Fraser to tag along.

And it was an objective to have Fraser there because Ray had a Purpose.

He wouldn’t call it a plan. He was not much of a planning person, but it was definitely a purpose! See, he figured that since Fraser had wanted his skinny ass at some point in time, it was very much possible that he would still want at least a piece of it. Now, Ray was going to test that. He searched his closet thoughtfully but there was nothing tight enough for his liking . He had go shopping.

The pair of black jeans he purchased was something more than just clothes. It did not just clad his ass, it glorified it. Hell he would fuck himself if he could! Three hours work on styling his hair was not a wasted time either! Every strand stood perfectly straight, but it still look soft, like there was not a whole tube of gel in it. Magic! He looked perfect. To not anger Stella he put on a shirt, but it was tight, snuggly fitting his lean figure. And it was green – matching his eyes, hopefully Fraser would notice.

He looked at himself in a mirror and smirked. He looked good. His legs moved gracefully dancing him to the living room; nothing too fancy though, since the clothes really  _were_  tight.

Unfortunately he couldn’t remember what Fraser actually liked about him, what turned him on, but he figured that you couldn’t go wrong with pants like that! He couldn’t wait to see the Mountie’s face. Would the freak even notice the change? It was hard to tell. It was Fraser…

One more advantage Ray had was an element of surprise. Fraser was going to come with Vecchio. As much as it irked Ray, and made him kinda jealous it was also good, because Fraser was going to already be there and watch Ray walking in. He would be on display, taken by surprise and Ray would be able to observe his reaction. If he paid attention he would see if there was a chance that Fraser still wanted him.

He made sure to be few minutes late to make sure the Mountie would already be there. He smiled at himself in a rear view mirror. He looked really damn good.

Stella opened the door with his name on her lips but ended up with her jaw hanging open. So he looked that good, huh? Ray grinned and winked at his ex, trying to overstep her in the doorway.

“Ray… what… what are you wearing?”

“I just bought those… how do I look?”

“…like you’re up for a night in Boystown.”

“Hey, what the hell, Stella?”

She actually laughed. “Nothing, Ray. I just…” She gave him a onceover and shook her head. “Never mind. It does look… sexy. Come on in. I need to find Ray.”

There were more people than Ray expected and they were all talking rather loudly. Fraser was sitting on a couch with the annoying Italian at his side, his elbows on his knees and Vecchio’s hand on one of his thighs. He was wearing a bit too loose navy blue buttoned sweater which looked new and a white dress shirt. Ray’s father dressed like that! It was ugly but Fraser looked stunning. Suddenly all those people around made Ray uncomfortable and angry. He wanted to crawl onto his friend’s laps and glare everyone else to death. Or kick.

Surprised blue eyes immediately turned to look up at Ray and the atmosphere in the room changed. The temperature rose and the air went still. It looked like the Canadian was going to say something but he kind of froze with his mouth agape. Ray wanted to smirk but then realized that his own face was frozen in a very similar fashion. His heart sped up. Fraser’s eyes scanned him quickly up and down but it was hard to tell if there was some appreciation for the view or not.

Vecchio on the other hand gave him a blatant once over with raised eyebrows and snorted.

“Seriously Kowalski…” He was going to crack a joke or throw some dirty comment but he didn’t say anything more. Just laughed a bit, looking at Fraser’s unreadable expression.

Ray barely caught a glimpse of Benton’s hand rising to his collar, but then Stella pulled him further into the room to introduce him to crowd.

The incredible tension of the moment earlier was slowly leaving Ray as he tried hard to concentrate on the people around him. Some vague memories of them being Stella’s friends popped up in his head but not much else. He tried to laugh at their lame jokes and pretend he had some idea about things they were telling him about. It felt more like a high school reunion than meeting friends, but he played his role all the while stealing glances of Ben who was yet to approach him. Vecchio was at his friend’s side this whole time saving him from unwanted attention of the female part of the guests. It was funny how just the fact Ben was there was enough for Ray to feel good and safe, no matter how freaked out he really was.

At least four different people started the conversation saying: “I was wondering what happened with you after the divorce.” First few times Ray just rolled his eyes and let Stella explain that he was mostly undercover all that time but then one time he actually answered.

“I spent some time up North. Well, first I did some undercover gigs but then I met Fraser. That’s how I first came to the Territories – on the trail of the killer of his mother. We managed to disable a nuclear submarine and actually went on a quest, like on the Discovery Channel, you know? We tried to find the lost Franklin’s expedition, but then Fraser saw a falling plane and we changed the course to check if we could save someone from the crash.”

The woman he was talking to almost hyperventilated.

“Oh my God! That was you? I’ve heard about it in the news! About the submarine I mean... wow... I can't believe it. Stella, is that really true?”

“Yes, apparently Ray awakened some suicidal tendencies after we’ve split.”

“Oh my…” The woman they were talking too seemed genuinely impressed. “How did you even survive up there?”

“Fraser knows everything about survival, especially in the tundra and ice fields. Then on the quest we had dogs, sleds and everything that was necessary for the two of us to make it. ‘course we were not prepared to feed a whole plane of people so we kinda improvised.” Fraser told Ray about their adventure, and everything he didn’t say Ray quickly started to remember in detail. “We didn’t have enough  bandages, antiseptics or medicines to treat the wounded. Practically everything Ben had to find and prepare himself. Like those plants he pulped to make antibiotics… It stank like a corpse but it made a fever go in one night. We would lose three kids if not for that stinky stuff.”

“And you managed to save them all?”

“Well, both pilots died in the crash. We’ve lost one guy on the way… He panicked. He… had lost it completely, started to run in some other direction saying he knew that home was right there. He fell into the crevice in the ice. I tried to stop him. I was going to knock him out but I had a kid tied up to my back. I was too slow and  didn’t make it through the snow.”

“Oh my God…”

“Yeah, some people freak out when there is nothing but white everywhere you look.”

“What about you? Didn’t you go crazy?”

Ray’s lips stretched into a dreamy smile. “I loved it. I don’t say it was easy. It was so freaking cold and we had to eat oatmeal and dried caribou meat but… it was greatness. We didn’t find Franklin’s hand but we got 32 people to the nearest post of RCMP.”

“I’ve heard about it!” Another person joined in on the conversation. “It was all over the news. I’ve heard your name and called Stella to make sure it wasn’t you. Imagine my surprise when she said  you’re in Canada… I though you’ve gone mad.” Ray almost remembered the guy’s name but… not exactly… was it Lloyd or Larry?

“No, as you see it was  _coming back_  that made me lose my mind.” Fraser turned to look at Ray and even though he was on the other side of the room Ray knew he was listening to Ray’s every word.

“Are you saying you would go there again?”

“Sure I would. I want to go back as soon as I can.”

“Then why didn’t you stay if it was so great?”

Ray boldly met Fraser’s gaze.

“I can’t remember.” Ray did his best to make the challenge in his voice as clear as possible. With satisfaction he noticed that he had made Ben fidget in his seat.

“Benton buddy, you tell me.”

Fraser’s cheeks turned slightly pink when he stuttered. “Um… tell you what, Ray?”  
“You know what. Why did we come back here?”

Fraser pulled on his ear an tightened his jaw. “I don’t understand the question Ray. Why wouldn’t you come back? Your life is here…”

“My life?”

“Your family, your job, your friends…”

Ray frowned. “So I could visit my parents once in a while. And I’m not that attached to my work.”

Someone snorted. “Come on , Ray. You ruined your perfect marriage for that crazy job of yours.” It was the guy he and Stella supposedly met on their honeymoon. He seemed like an asshole. “And now you almost lost your life, also for that stupid job. Are you trying to tell me that now you would be willing to quit, just to live surrounded by snow?”

“Hey, Canada is more than just snow, ok?”

“Then what are you still doing here?” It was the guy’s wife.

“I don’t know! Fraser… you tell me. Why didn’t we stay?”

He walked up to the couch with his arms crossed over his chest and looked don at the handsome Canadian.

“Really, Ray, I had no idea that you were so taken by the Northwest Territories. You never said anything about wanting to stay.” Ben’s voice was even and soft but it wasn’t his usual court politeness. Ray’s ear, familiar with Canadian undertones, could easily pick on the irritation echoing in those words.

“I didn’t?”

“No, Ray. Of course, you said you liked it there but I always assumed you were trying to be nice.”

“You assumed?”

“…yes, Ray.”

Staring into each other’s eyes they were trying to read whatever they were not willing to say and suddenly Ray had enough of it. Fraser was trying to pretend that nothing happened, while Ray remembered everything, strating from that first kiss underwater… and he wanted it back. His chest ached to be closer to that stubborn mule sitting on Stella’s couch. He wanted to replay everything they ever did, everything he dreamed about in the last few days.

“Maybe you assumed wrong.”

Fraser didn’t look away. He held Ray’s eyes with his head held high – no eyebrow scratching, no lip licking, no ticks.

“It is not completely impossible.”

“Really? Or maybe you’re not telling me something? Is that  _completely impossible_  or not?”

“What do you mean, Ray?” Here it was – an eyebrow scratching. Fraser was nervous. “I am telling you everything you ask.”

“So, you say if you’re not telling me something it means I’m asking the wrong questions?”

“What would you like to know Ray?”

“Would I have something in Canada… to stay with? Someone?”

“What…?” Ok, so Ray needed to be more specific.

“A polite Mountie maybe?”

Fraser frowned. He clearly had no idea what Ray was talking about. “Stop pretending, Fraser. I remember!” At those words Fraser’s eyebrows shoot up and his eyes looked so hopeful it made Ray’s heart sink.

“You do? What do you remember, Ray?”

“Everything, you dumbass. Everything. About you and me. And Canada. So tell me, do I have something to go back to in the Territories? A home? A Mountie?”

Benton’s eyes widened comically and he almost chocked on clear air.

“Ray!?” The blond wanted to shout YES YOU DUMMY! YES! “Ray, are you trying to tell me you want to pursue a relationship with my sister?”

Ray growled frustrated and angry, using all his self-control to try and not punch Ben in the head.

“I admit she… she is very taken with you. I mean she… she likes you, Ray. In a romantic way…”

“No, you freak! I don’t mean your sister! I mean this!”

And just like that, in front of Stella, her friends and Vecchio, Ray grabbed Fraser's collar, leaned in and crushed their lips together.

TBC


	9. Chapter 9

The whole room fell completely silent. With jaws dropped everyone stared at the Mountie pressed into the couch and the skinny detective kissing the living daylights out of him. Kowalski’s knee rested on the caution beside the strong, jeans clad thigh and he pressed forward, pushing Fraser further back.

Damn, he really needed it! He dreamed about it. He remembered it. He missed it! He thought it would feel familiar, like coming home but it wasn’t. It was mind blowing. Nothing he remembered or dreamed about was even close to what he felt! He could feel his throat squeeze and he almost suffocated from the sheer emotion exploding in his chest so unexpectedly it made him dizzy.

Hot lips moved away from under his carefully giving Ray a chance to remove his tongue from Fraser’s mouth.

“Ray…?”

Only now the blond realised that the Mountie was holding his shoulder, subtly trying to keep them at least at some distance. Ben didn’t return the kiss. He just gasped and passively let Ray attack him. He didn’t punch Ray probably only because there were people around and he didn’t want to make a fool of his amnesiac friend in front of Vecchio and Stella.

“Ray… um….” Fraser’s other hand was squeezing Ray’s hip and his voice was... damn, his voice alone could make Ray cum on the spot. And that hand - it was probably supposed to push him away but was actually holding him in place, making Ray smirk.

“What’s wrong buddy? Suddenly remembered you have something to tell me after all?” As soon as Fraser realised what his hand was doing his eyes bulged out and he lifted his arms in  a placating gesture.

“I don’t think I understand, Ray.” Ray’s smirk turned evil. He could hear Fraser’s heart beat speeding to match his own. He wasn’t alone in this. He was NOT! Whatever Fraser was going to say to convince him otherwise, Ray was going to ignore it.

“Don’t lie Fraser. Mounties don’t lie.” Rosy shadow spread over his friend’s face. It looked good on the pale skin. Taking advantage of having an upper hand Ray leaned closer. Fraser did the eyebrow rubbing but the blond grabbed his wrist and pulled  it down. Replacing Fraser’s finger with his thumb he started to move it slowly over Ben’s temple. The Mountie’s eyes fluttered close.

“Ray I… think you should…” He didn’t finish. He simply stood up, making sure Ray doesn’t fall onto the floor. “Excuse me. I need some fresh air.” He disappeared behind the terrace curtain leaving Ray flushed, horny and grinning.

And with a bunch of people who had been staring this whole time.

Ray’s grin faded quickly meeting some confused and curious gazes. To his surprise Stella didn’t seem angry or even surprised. She was rubbing her forehead like she just knew he would do something embarrassing. Vecchio rubbed her back hiding a smile. Ray tried to look apologetic but it was hard when he didn’t feel sorry at all. He wanted to jump and yell that he kissed Benton Fraser!

“So you’re a fag now?” The guy from their honeymoon was clearly pissed. Ray didn’t give a flying fuck, but then it appeared that someone else did. Vecchio quickly walked up to the man and grabbed his collar.

“Do you have a problem, buddy?”

“Get your hands off me.”

“Gladly. As soon as you apologise to Stella for ruining her party.”

“Fuck you. I knew Kowalski is a pervert.” The idiot was practically purple from anger.

“A pervert? He’s not the one staring at you through the whole evening. You didn’t take your eyes of his skinny ass once! What, you’re jealous that you’ve never had balls to do what he did?”

“How dare you, Vecchio?” The guy would punch Ray if not for his own wife who apologised and dragged him out of Stella’s apartment.

“Thank you, Ray.” Stella was smiling at Vecchio, her face bright and carefree. Ray had a feeling he hadn’t seen that look on her in a long time.

“It was a pleasure, Stella. I will not let anyone insult Fraser’s friends, or spoil your parties.”

Ray was grinning at the pair. They really did look good together. He felt some sadness at the thought, like at watching a friend go, but he discarded it quickly. He wasn’t losing any of them. They would still be friends even if he moved to the Territories.

“I would kick him in the head but his wife will probably do that for me.”

Stella snorted and dragged both Rays to the kitchen to talk more privately.

“She knew since Paris. I always felt sorry for her.”

“Did you know about me since Paris too?”

“No, Ray. You… you were never like that… you liked dancing but you did not check out other guys. Not like that. You were always comfortable around other men while he… he seemed always strangely awkward and defensive.”

“So I never told you that I… looked both ways.”

“No. I think you didn’t actually look any way. When I was with you I knew that I was the only person on your mind. It was an amazing feeling, Ray… to feel so special…”

Ray wondered if he would even figure out how to make Fraser feel special… Stella was smiling so Ray smiled back. They were good.

“I’ll go check on Fraser.”

“Wait!” Vecchio was already pulling him back. “I’ll go. He needs a moment away from you. Trust me.”

Somehow Ray did. Vecchio was still an asshole but Ray trusted him with his own life. If the man deserved Benton’s friendship then he was a good guy.

Liking him though was a totally different story. It made him wonder how they treated each other before. Ray didn’t think he would ever be able to look past his jealousy completely, but he was almost certain that at the moment Ray Vecchio was his friend and would always be one.  

“So…” Some woman walked it to get a clean glass. “You and the Mountie, huh?” Knowing the answer to that question was currently Ray’s fixation. He still wasn’t sure where he stood with the Canadian and he had no idea what to do next.

“I tried to get his attention but he ignored me completely. Now I know why. Stella, why didn’t you tell me?”

“I told you to stay away from him.”

“I though you just don’t like him…”

Through the delicate curtain he could see Vecchio talking to Ben. The Italian’s hands were flying all over the place and he was clearly trying to convince the stubborn Mountie to something. Ben was just shaking his head. There was no way of convincing him to anything when he thought he knew better.

“Hey, Stell, thank you for all this. I really appreciate it. I guess I’ll go now. I need to talk to Ben.”

“It’s alright, Ray. Thank you for coming. And…”

“And…?”

She seemed reluctant to say more. “Did you… I mean… Ray called me last week. That day when you didn’t feel good. He asked me out.”

Ray grinned. He just knew it.

“That’s great. Unless you want me to kick his ass. I can do that.”

“I know! But no, don’t. I… I think I would like to give him a chance but...”

“That’s cool. I still think he’s a dick but he’s not as bad as he seems. Fraser likes him so he must have some good sides.”

“Okay then. I just wanted to make sure you didn’t mind.”

“I’m happy for you Stell. I may not remember our wedding but we’re friends right?”

“But I’m worried about you, Ray. I know how much you and Ray trust that guy, but…”

“It’s alright, Stella. Fraser’s the last person to hurt anyone. Especially me.”

“I know but… he’s just…”

“He’s what, Stell? Tell me why you don’t like him.”

“Because he’s weird. Like… insane. I can’t trust him.”

“Insane? Well… I can’t actually argue with that…”

“And I don’t mean talking to a deaf wolf. Not that talking to a wolf is normal. It’s just that… I mean his attitude. Every damn time he stands up to something that is right and I can’t support it with law I want to punch him. He’s like a little kid. Crimes in Chicago are not a cartoon. It’s real. People die and justice not always wins. He’s not Superman. How can he be so…” She actually growled. “I don’t want him to drag you into this, push you off planes, throw explosives over your head… He’s not normal.”

Ray couldn’t help but roll his eyes.

“Ray, we still didn’t have a chance to talk.” Ray knew which talk she was thinking about. The one that always only caused him a headache. Whatever that was all about he didn’t want to deal with it right now.

“Next time, Stell. I promise.”

After emerging from the balcony Fraser looked like a wounded animal. Convincing him to go to go with Ray to his place when he was like that would require either a miracle or a level of stubbornness that would rival his. Ray hoped he had in him to win this one. Sometimes Fraser could be unbelievably pig headed.

“You’re coming with me, buddy. You stay at place.”

“Ray, I don’t think...”

“Good! Keep it up. You think too much. Come on. I need to talk to you. Please, Fraser.”

“I can’t. It’s not a good idea. And I left Diefenbaker with F-”

“I don’t care what you think. You said you would be there when I need you. I need you now. Dief will be fine.”

Fraser’s eyes softened. He bit his lower lip and clearly he was still thinking hard, probably trying to figure out a reason to not go.

“I’m sorry, Ray. Of course I will go with you. Whatever you need, Ray.”

“Good. Greatness.” Ben was a sucker for emotional blackmail.

Before letting Fraser in to the Goat Ray paused, eyes averted to the sidewalk.

“Are you mad?”

Without even the slightest hesitation Ben put one hand on Ray’s shoulder and with the other one he lifted his face, pushing up Ray’s stubble covered chin.

“Look at me Ray.” Ray did. He loved to look into Fraser’s eyes. “And listen to me. I am not mad and I would never be mad at you for something like that. Is that clear?”

Ray’s lips twisted into a smile. He hoped to hear something like that. Now that he did, he hoped Fraser would keep his word because he felt a strong urge to test it. With that though he leaned in and pressed his lips to Fraser’s again.

This time the brunet moaned softly. It was just barely more than a sigh but it was there and it rose shivers in Ray’s every muscle. He loved that sound. Once again Fraser didn’t push him away, but he didn’t kiss back either.

“Ray...”

“It was just a peck. And you said you wouldn’t be mad.”

“I’m not. But-”

“Good. Get in. We’ll talk at my place.”

They didn’t talk much on the way home. Just some pointless comments about the party and a joke from Ray about Stella liking Vecchio. That one made Fraser so uncomfortable that he started to pull on his ear and his collar so Ray didn’t joke any more. He just let his thoughts drift to Fraser’s collar and how he would love to undo those top buttons… And then he was thinking about actually doing it because there was a chance that Fraser would let him. Fraser seemed to let Ray do a lot of things. And he kind of moaned when Ray pecked his lips by the car so he surely wasn’t against the idea. All Ray had to do now was getting the Mountie naked and into his bed. It should go smooth from there. After all they had done it billion times already and Ray’s body was surely well used to the procedure… and to Ben. It was still kind of freaking Ray out but it had to be only due to the memory loss, so it was good.

Ben sat stiffly on the couch waiting for his partner to prepare their drinks. Ray hoped that this weird bark tea would help Benton relax a little. He even considered putting a few drops of something stronger into it but Fraser could smell people’s change of mood, not to mention alcohol in his favourite drink.

Making himself comfortable beside his friend Ray made sure their thighs were touching and that he brushed Fraser’s hands while handing him the mug. Still, the Mountie looked completely unapproachable, like Ray was Frannie or something.

“What did you want to talk about, Ray?”

“I want to know why you didn’t tell me.”

“About what?”

“About us. That it was more than just friendship.”

The tea was disappearing quickly from Fraser’s mug and soon he had no other distractions and had to speak.

“I wasn’t aware that you considered it to be something more.”

“What do you mean, buddy? What did I do?”

“Nothing, Ray.” The answer was too fierce to be a lie.

“If you dumped me then I must’ve done something to piss you off.”

“Dump you?”

“Break up with me.”

“W-what…?” Fraser sputtered. There was no other way to describe it. And he only got some actual words out on the third try.

“We’ve never been together, Ray. Who gave you that idea?”

“…” Wait a minute. Not together so it was like… what exactly? “So we were what? Fuck buddies? Friends with benefits?”

“Ray!” Fraser yelled horrified and then looked around as if they could be heard. “What are you talking about? We were not… intimate…. With each other.”

Ray’s forehead creased. “What?”

Exasperated, Ben ran his hands through his hair. “It’s exactly what I’ve  just said. Which part needs more detailed elaboration? You were always in love with your wife. Even when your interests strayed sometimes briefly to other people it were always beautiful women, not men. And definitely  _not me_.”

“But I remember…”

“What?... What do you remember Ray?”

And then it dawned on him, slowly, but with a force of a bullet train. The kiss at Stella’s place was indeed mind blowing but… also different from those kisses in his dreams. He had never felt anything like that before. He had never done this. He never kissed Fraser. He never felt this. He had never before put his tongue into those wonderful, delicious mouth. He never held this pale, gorgeous face so possessively and so close. He never pressed his lips to any part of Ben’s body.

 “Us…? …together.” It couldn’t be just his imagination, right? It couldn’t. He would never think of something as scary as kissing underwater. It had to be true. “It began with a kiss… underwater.”

Fraser tensed even more, then turned to look at Ray. Now they were both sitting with one leg bend on the couch caution, facing each other.

“Please, Ray, tell me it’s not about the Henry Allen again.”

“What?” The Canadian growled frustrated.

“When Henry Allen sank we had to swim few hundred meters underwater. You started to drown so I gave you some air from my lungs through your mouth.”

“You mean like… underwater mouth to mouth?”

“Yes, Ray. It’s called buddy breathing. I could’ve tried to do it through your nose but I was afraid you would panic. I was saving your life. We were drowning. What makes you think I would chose a moment like that to molest you?”

“I…” Ray’s world crumbled. “I remember asking how it changes things between us. Why would I ask if it wasn’t… a kiss.” Ray’s fingers travelled to his own lips, touching softly, desperately looking for any trace of Fraser to prove he was right.

“I honestly don’t know Ray. But you did ask that question, to which I answered that it doesn’t change anything. It was a standard procedure.”

The world was still crumbling down around Ray, but he refused to give up. He had a hunch that even if it was true, there still was more, because Fraser had moaned when Ray kissed him. He didn’t mind it. He  _liked_  it.

“Do you even find me attractive, Fraser?”

Ben’s head tilted to one side. “You tell me, Ray. You’ve already asked me that question. The answer is still the same.” Ray looked into the baby blue eyes and smiled. He could practically hear Fraser say:  Very much so, Ray. He asked that in a tombstone. He was jealous and wanted to punch some old lady who was all over his friend so he asked that… to know and to show her… And Fraser said yes. And back then he really wanted Fraser to say that because he showed Fraser who he really was, the real Ray. He let Fraser know about his darkest secret and the man accepted him. For Fraser he could be himself and it would be enough. The man was so impossibly gorgeous and good and brave… If someone like that could find the real Ray attractive then maybe Ray wouldn’t have to pretend anything for anyone anymore.

“I remember. But really, in a fucking tombstone?”

Ben’s smile was kind of sad but sincere. “Yes Ray.”

And suddenly Ray remembered a lot more than just the tombstone. He remembered being with Fraser day in, day out. He remembered hockey games, pizzas, rooftops and shootings. He remembered crying on Fraser’s shoulder and being jealous much too often. Bringing a BLIND portrait artist to the consulate just to not let Fraser be alone with some attractive woman. Watching Fraser’s face in a dim light from the TV, looking at his lips when he ate, or at his fingers when he was reaching for popcorn. He remembered watching Fraser asleep in their tent and getting off at the Mountie’s smell… keeping Ben’s picture in his drawer… Ben untangling him from his death-trap sleeping bag… asking Ben out on Valentine’s Day, hoping he wouldn’t notice what kind of day it was.

“Third time is a charm.” Ray murmured and leaned in to peck the tempting lips in front of him. They stayed stubbornly closed and unmoving.

“You don’t really want this, Ray. Stop it.” But Ray knew better so he kissed the corner of his friend’s lips softly.

“I want to kiss the breath out of you.” And taking advantage of Ben’s surprised gasp he attacked his mouth once again pushing his hot tongue in. He met no resistance so he let himself explore the delicious warmth and taste, holding the other man’s face still with his hands. Again, Fraser’s hands rested on his hips, just holding, as if not daring to pull him closer or touch but not wanting to push him  away either. Finally Ray felt a twitch of response, the slightest move of tongue against his, the softest push of lips… and then it was all gone.

“Don’t do this, Ray. I can’t. You’re not yourself. You’re confused and I refuse to take advantage of your state.”

“My state, Fraser? You want to know what my state is? Look here!” And he pointedly gestured to his crotch hoping his buddy would take a hint. But the damn Mountie didn’t look as aroused as Ray was. He actually seemed sad.

“Don’t be crude, Ray. If dealing with this  _state_  is all you need I’m sure you can do perfectly fine without me.”

“Ok, that was… stupid of me. Sorry buddy. But I am not confused. I want this. I want… you.”

“Ray… you have amnesia. You can’t remember what you want.”

“I KNOW what I want Fraser. I know how I feel.”

“What if after you regain your lost memories you will start to hate me for using this situation to my advantage? I will not risk losing your friendship for something that is most probably just a by-product of your condition.”

“I will not! I always wanted you! I remember it now!”

“Just like you ‘remembered’ that we were lovers?”

That word shocked the breath out of the amnesiac. When he came to his senses again he closed his mouth with a snap. He had no answer to that… Damn.

“I do remember, Fraser. I’m fine already.”

The other man was studying him for a long moment.

“Who was the best man on your wedding, Ray?”

Ray opened his mouth to answer but… the answer just wasn’t there.

“Michael… Kelly.”

Fraser frowned. “Are you sure it’s not just a name from that Chicago Tribune lying by the couch? Live Kelly and Michael – weekends 9am? Or should I just call your wife and ask.”

“Fine! I can’t remember  _everything_  about her yet, but I remember us! How we met, and when I hugged you, our cases, the quest! Everything, Fraser, I’m serious. Fuck, I even remember calling you that day to tell you I need to meet with Stella.”

“If it’s true then we can always go back to this conversation when you have  _all_  your memories back.”

“What if they’re gone and not coming back? You want me to pine after you forever?”

Fraser’s head tilted to the other side this time, his cheeks darkening with embarrassment. “Ray, first of all, you  _will_  regain your memories. I have no doubt about it. When you do, you will not be pining, because you don’t feel about me that way. You just think you do because you are forgetting the real object of your desire. You will remember about your feelings toward your ex-wife and then I really will be worried about Ray Vecchio and what you will inevitably try to do to him.”  

“God, Fraser, you piss me off so much! Why do you have to be so difficult?”

Why? Why this situation had to be so fucked up?

“You know, Ray…” Fraser smiled and for the first time he didn’t look sad. He seemed hopeful before his mouth twisted into more of a teasing smirk. “…you wouldn’t like me if I was easy.”

A pair of green eyes widened and Ray’s jaw almost hit the floor.

“Did you just make a dirty joke?” Ben laughed at his reaction; the sound making Ray’s heart beat faster. “And you’re wrong. I would like you more if you were easy.” Like in his dreams. He would wink and Fraser would undress him and fuck him against the nearest flat surface. That was nice. And what were those dreams anyway, if they were apparently NOT memories?

Oh. Ray knew what they were. He remembered now. He created every single one in his head to kill time when Fraser talked about Inuit freezing to death and stuff. He had a day dream for every single one of Benton’s stories. Shit.

Luckily Ray could blame his blush on the topic of the current conversation.

“No you wouldn’t. You never settle for anything easy. You like challenges, Ray.”

“So, you’re going to play a hard to get?”

“I’m going to be your friend, Ray. I will do whatever I can to make sure you won’t get hurt.”

“Ok, fuck it. Fine. Just promise you will go out with me after I get my memories back?”

“We’ll see when it actually happens.”

Ray growled but his hand moved forward and grabbed Ben’s.

“I knew you would say something like that…”

His friend looked impossibly good in this awful sweater. He seemed so cuddly. His hand was big and warm and Ray wondered if he could get away with pressing it to his mouth just for a millisecond. He swallowed hard. Ben smelled great. He never used cologne but Ray could pick up that honey scent of his soap and something like pine in Fraser’s shampoo. God, that smell was driving him crazy. If Fraser wanted to wait, fine, Ray would respect that. But he was not going to make it easy on the stubborn Mountie. He put his other hand on Fraser’s shoulder letting his thumb to draw slow circles on the pale neck. The Canadian visibly tensed again. Ray wanted to laugh but he just leaned in closer to his friend’s face.

“Wanna watch a game or something?” The blond whispered the words straight to Fraser’s reddening ear. It was too easy. Ben was already breathing harder than after running 22 flights of stairs.

“I should go, Ray. I’m sorry.” He did sound sorry. And he still didn’t push Ray away giving his partner perfect opportunity to blew some warm air into his ear. The Mountie’s lips trembled. If it were a woman doing this to Benton he would be up and half way to the door ten minutes ago, thanking her kindly. Now he was frozen in place afraid to even breathe.

“Stay.”

Ray didn’t even think what he was saying, what he was proposing. Would he let Fraser into his bed? Into his pants? Sure he would. He was always eager to try new things. But there was also a chance that Ben would simply stay, on the couch or with Ray, just to sleep at his place.

“I’m afraid I need to pick up Diefenbaker. He has a date with Ante. I can’t leave him at Francesca’s for the night.”

“I’m sure she wouldn’t mind.”

“Lieutenant Welsh would.”

To cut the further arguments short Fraser stood  up, freeing himself from Ray’s intimate touches. It was a miracle that he let Rey have his way for as long as he did. The detective’s empty hands felt cold and abandoned. It felt wrong so he draped his arm around Ben’s shoulders while walking him to the door to enjoy his closeness for another moment.

“See ya tomorrow?”

“Of course, Ray. Have a good night.”

Seductively licking his lips Ray tilted his head and tried to look at the other man from under his long eyelashes. If he couldn’t convince Fraser, Ray would try to flirt him out of that stupid idea of leaving. It shouldn’t be that hard since the guy lived practically in celibate since the murderous chick incident.

Then again, it was Fraser. Was anything ever easy with this man?

Ray smiled. Ben was right. He loved challenges, so without warning he kissed Ben’s cheek, carefully aiming at the spot very near the corner of his lips.

“Good night, buddy.”

Fraser just sputtered some more and then walked straight into the closed door trying to leave. Rubbing his nose he finally found his way out of the apartment and back to the empty Canadian Consulate.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it. It's the final chapter of my first DS story. It’s longer than others… I can only hope that the ending won't disappoint you.
> 
> I would like to thank Ride Forever, ButterflyGhost, Mizelle, Arwyn, Deputychairman, tarcy42 and others reviewed, read or left kudos for this story for being so welcoming and accepting! Thank you for your support and encouragement!  
> It really meant a lot.

Fraser’s shift at the front desk was going to end in ten minutes. The Mountie was signing some papers, seemingly focused on his work but, Ray knew better. He was wearing  _those_  jeans and made a point to stand right in front of Ben’s desk, with his back to his beloved Canadian, pretending he was reading the information board. He could feel Fraser’s eyes on his ass, groping him, undressing or maybe even slapping for teasing the poor Corporal. Just a mere thought about Fraser’s hands on him made Ray shiver.

It was time for something special. He stood straighter and pushed his hands up, over his head. Stretching lazily like a cat after an afternoon nap under the summer sun. Ray strained his ears trying to catch any sound of appreciation from his partner. Was he even still watching? It was hard to tell. Ray dropped his sunglasses and bent over to pick them up.

“Oh my…!” The crash he heard was not actually a praise but knowing that Fraser, Mr. Careful, had spilled his water was enough to confirm that he  _was_  looking! It was Ray’s small victory.

He flirted with Fraser every time he had a chance, mercilessly testing his patience and self-control. More than once he was afraid Fraser would finally snap and maybe spank him like some spoiled brat. Because he was surely acting like one. He couldn’t help it. Like he knew that it was going to end soon, and that it was his only chance to live a little and do these things to Benton.

His therapist stubbornly tried to convince him to talk to Stella, like it could solve anything. It gave him a headache every freakin’ time. Those stupid therapies were actually the main reason why Fraser refused to take him to the cabin. So Ray hated them almost as much as he now hated his dumb head. Why did it have to be broken now, when he finally grew a pair and let Fraser know that he wanted him! True, it happened only because Ray assumed that they were already fucking, but it still served the purpose. Now this stupid amnesia was the thing that let him get closer to Ben and at the same time ironically it was also the only thing keeping them separate. He needed to fix his head and the only way he could think of how was following his therapist’s stupid orders.

Well ok, he had plan B too. It was basically forcing himself on Ben. He could do that… Wait for him naked on Fraser’s cot, covered in nothing but red rose petals and the moonlight…

Plan A first.

“Hey Frase, wanna meet my therapist?”

Fraser looked up from the puddle on his desk, still trying to wipe it with tissues.

“Excuse me?”

“My therapist. She says it would help if she could meet you or Stella.”

“Oh… of course, Ray. I hope I will be able to help.” Fraser was unbuckling his Sam Browne. Apparently he got his tunic wet and he was taking it off! Thank you for small mercies.

“Cool. Oh, and my mum invites us to dinner tonight. Watcha think? Wanna go?”

Ben raised his head to meet Ray’s eyes.

“Are you absolutely certain that the invitation had been extended to my person?”

Ray’s eyes slid lewdly, shamelessly over Ben’s chest, now covered only in a white Henley and suspenders. Then, just to make a point even more clear the blond also licked his lips, hoping that the blushing Canadian would not erase his eyebrow completely with how viciously he was now rubbing it with his knuckle.

“Dad wants to show you some crap, so yeah, I’m pretty sure.”

“Then I would love to, Ray. Tank you kindly.”

Ray just rolled his eyes, which meant ‘You’re welcome, freak’.

His mother was still looking at Fraser suspiciously as if she believed that the man was preparing some Canadian Invasion on Chicago or something. But his dad was cool enough to take care of the Mountie for the evening. Or maybe he was just avoiding Ray, who knows. At some point he managed to make Ben laugh once and even though a prick of jealousy was there again, Ray was happy. Fraser definitely should laugh more. And just watching Ben with his dad made Ray’s heart swell. Fraser probably never had a chance to talk or laugh with his own old man like that…

His mother baked some muffins she used to make when he was a kid. As expected it sprung a wave childhood memories in Ray’s head.

“So I’m sorry, I broke that vase and never told you….”

“It’s alright Stanley. We knew.”

“You did?”

He wanted to eat another muffin but the one on Ben’s plate was the last one. And it had pink sprinkles on it. Ray’s favourite.

“Would you like to have this muffin, Ray?” Ben was sitting on a couch with Mr. Kowalski while Ray was perched on its backrest talking to his mother, his thigh brushing his friend’s shoulder.  

“No, I’m not taking it away from you.”

“Don’t be silly, Ray. I already had one. Please, help yourself.”

“No, I ate like.. ten already! You need to have another one.” Ray encouragingly put one hand on Fraser’s shoulder.

“I would rather watch you have it, Ray. It’s truly heart-warming to witness how much you enjoy your mother’s baking.” Well, Ray kind of knew that Fraser wasn’t much of a sweet tooth.

“Thanks buddy.” Ben turned and held up the muffin for Ray to take when an unexpected peck landed on his cheek with a wet sucking sound. The Mountie blushed like a fire engine gaping helplessly at Ray’s shocked parents.  

Ray was actually as surprised as his friend looked.

“Sorry. Didn’t really mean to do that…” He  _really_  didn’t but he grinned at his mum, draped his arms over Fraser’s neck and asked innocently: “Don’t you want to do it when you see him? I can’t help it. He makes me act like a freaking 13 year old girl with a crush.”

“Ray!” Fraser’s voice held a solid warning. He could say Ray’s name in so many different ways! He could probably say anything he wanted with this one word.

“Alright, alright. Sorry buddy. ‘was just saying. You’re not making it easy on me.”

“Ray!” This time it was more of a threat.

“What?” The effort Ben had to put into trying not to kill Ray at the moment was actually visible on his face!

“Nothing. Just… eat your muffin.”

“Fine. But I could help you work out some of that pent up frustration, you know…”

“Ray!!!” Yup, apparently Fraser  _did_  know. Ray took his hands off Ben and jumped off the couch taking the muffin from his friend’s plate with him.

“Don’t do that face, mum. At home he’s totally charming and sweet as a… muffin.”

“Ray, this isn’t funny. Mrs. Kowalski, please accept my apologies. I can’t even begin to understand what Ray finds so hilarious in those silly jokes, but I assure you-…”

“Just shut up, Fraser.” With those words Ray pushed the whole muffin into his own mouth. He refused to listen about them not being together in a way Ray wanted them to be.

“Ray…” Ben’s voice held no trace of his earlier irritation. “Please, chew your food.”

Trying to speak back to the Mountie with food stuck in his mouth wasn’t Ray’s brightest idea.

Instantly the Mountie was off the couch to help his partner, who was currently coughing and choking. Ray was so scared that he didn’t even notice when Ben’s arms circled his torso, pushing the damn sugar sprinkles and muffin out of his larynx. Those arms stayed around him until he could actually breathe again.

Sweat and tears were stinging in his eyes and Ray would bet that his face was purple and weird. Some ugly veins probably popped out on his forehead too. He must’ve looked horrible. And Fraser would see him like that. Fuck. Stupid sprinkles…. And stupid muffins. He would never touch those traitorous things again.

“Are you alright, Ray?”

“Yeah… sorry. ‘m fine.”

“Thank God.” And suddenly Ray didn’t have to worry about his purple face anymore because it was buried in a uniform clad chest. Ben was hugging him, keeping him locked tightly in his trembling arms.

“Don’t speak with food in your mouth, Ray.” The words were murmured into his hair. He could feel Fraser’s lips brushing his spikes. The man’s breathing was as heavy as his own, and he wasn’t the one choking. “You will give me a heart attack one of these days.”

Ray just laughed and draped his own arms around Ben with a happy smile on his lips.

“So, was this heart-warming enough for you, you freak?…” Fraser just hugged him tighter and rested his chin on the blond head.

Maybe it didn’t go nice and smooth but still, having the Mountie at dinner with his parents was a blast.

Two days later Ray scratched the option with the therapist helping him because the fucking bitch was now head over heels in love with his Canadian. Or at least that’s what Ray suspected because she was asking about him all the time during the next session. When Ray called her on it she seemed outraged but then she asked to bring Stella next, which was still way better than asking to bring Ben again.

Stella visited her on Monday. On Wednesday Ray walked into the waiting hall to sit and wait by the door for his session. He almost turned around and left seeing Stella sitting in the chair he labelled as ‘his’ in his head. He had a very bad feeling about this.

“Hi Ray.”

“Stell? What’cha doing here?”

“Your Doctor asked me to come to your session. You avoided me recently. You never gave me a chance to explain.”

“Explain what?”

“We need to talk, Ray. I need to tell you what we were talking about that day before you’ve had the accident, because it’s different now. I see it now… You lied to me. And I don’t want to stay in the way of your happiness.”

Ray wanted to run but then the door to the doctor’s office opened and there was no way out of this one anymore.

An hour later Ray sat in a stunned silence with thoughts and memories buzzing in his head. Finally after swallowing few more painkillers he stood to leave.

“Ray…” Stella was worried. Of course she was. She was always worried about him, just as he would always be worried about her. “Are you alright?”

“Sure, Stell. Thanks. I’m fine…”

“Are you sure you’re not mad at Ray?”

“Stella, I love you. I want you to be happy.”

“Thank you , Ray.”

She hugged him and he hugged her back. They were like that since they were eight. Always together, Best Friends Forever, helping each other out, caring for each other. Bonds like that are forever and Ray believed they would always have it.

Now, with his memories back Ray wasn’t sure if he should laugh or cry at his own stupid actions during the last two weeks. He got into the Goat and started the engine. He needed to go to his apartment and change out of those ridiculous pants before going to the consulate.

Ray opened the huge wooden doors and stepped into the familiar and cosy entrance hall.

“Welcome to Canada, Ray! How was your session?” Fraser looked like he’d just gotten back from somewhere, dressed in brown uniform again and 1still wearing his hat. He was walking toward his desk when Ray entered.

“Good… was … good.”

When Ray got closer Ben’s eyes scanned him up and down, clearly appreciating the change in appearance.

“You look very nice, Ray.” Fraser’s smile was so warm and welcoming it made Ray’s heart melt. “What happened with your new style? Have you gotten bored with it already?”

“Yeah, it was… not very comfortable, you know?”

“Yes, I can imagine. It was very fetching though… I supposed that it must’ve been worth the discomfort.” Ray put his hands to his jacket pockets and shrugged.

“Didn’t work on you, did it?”

“Well, Ray… to be honest…”

“Are you finishing soon? We need to talk.”

There was a pause when Fraser was trying to read Ray’s eyes, but the blond didn’t let him and turned his face away.

“Yes, Ray. I’ll just sort this out and I’m free.” He busied himself with a stack of folders on his desk.

“Cool, I’ll…. Wait here…”

“Certainly, Ray. It will be just a moment.”

They were alone in the consulate so Ray decided to pace the hall. It was harder than he thought – talking to Fraser - when he had his memories. He needed to calm down before he fainted. He was thinking about taking Ben to his place and explaining everything. He needed to make things right.

Fraser took longer than he was supposed to, but Ray didn’t mind. He needed a moment too. His friend obviously knew that something was off because he stayed completely silent. No Inuit stories, no rambling about their new constable’s crazy antics. Not a single word. Nothing.

Finally he stood up from his chair.

“I’m done, Ray. What did you want to talk about?”

“Maybe we could take it to my place?”

Fraser sighed and rearranged envelopes on his desk.

“I think I already know what you’re going to say. Can’t we just…”

“Assuming things again, Fraser?”

The Canadian’s face hardened. “Ray…”

“Sit.”

“I’m not a dog, Ray.”

“I know… So, could you PLEASE sit your sexy ass back down and kindly listen to what I have to say instead of assuming that you already know?”

Fraser must have been really pissed at the moment because he actually rolled his eyes at Ray. But he did sit down, looking as if he were ready to leave any moment. Unceremoniously Ray walked up to him, grabbed the hat from his head and threw it aside, making Fraser frown even more.

“Y-you cut your hair?”

Fraser’s hands formed fists on his knees. Ray could read approaching fury in his ice blue eyes. Fraser didn’t like to be intimidated and Ray was towering over him in a way that was surely driving the Canadian nuts. He looked like a wild animal preparing to bite Ray’s head off.

“Yes, Ray.” Ben’s hair was short, like on that damn picture in the files. He looked so much younger like that… Ray wanted to touch it. “I assume it’s not  _all_  that you wanted to tell me.”

“You assume… Yeah, you do that a lot. You assumed correctly this time. Now shut up and listen because I wanted to tell you  _a lot_  of things.”

“That you love Stella.”

“Yes, among other things… But I talk. You listen. You owe me that after I had to listen for days what you ‘assumed’ I feel.”

Fraser dropped their eye contact and licked his lips. He ran his hands through his hair. He would have fiddled with his hat if Ray had not threw it away. Then his right hand went to his chest looking for the lanyard which was not there because he was somehow wearing his brown uniform again. And a tie… Ray liked Fraser in a tie. It made him want to fix it for him, or loosen it… it was distracting.

“My best man’s name was Steven, he was a friend from the Academy. He died on duty six years later. Got shot by some kid on high…” Fraser’s back straightened up a bit, showing Ray that the words hit home.

“I asked Stella to marry me on Valentine’s Day because I thought it would be romantic… The wedding was in June. You were right. I do love her. Probably always will.” Ray hoped that it proved he had all his memories back.

“That day when I fell of the building she said we could try again, that now that I’m not undercover things may be different. She thought that maybe we could both quit our jobs and start something else together, somewhere else, somewhere warm. I… At first I pretended I thought she was joking but she knew I’m bluffing.”

Ray forced out a laugh and started to pace around the room. 

“She knew that leaving to some warm place was the complete opposite of what I wanted and maybe that’s why she said it. She said I’m stuck in this… friendship… with you and that it’s not healthy.... She talked and I listened… and I kinda believed her. I thought I was just wasting my time, making an idiot of myself. She said that maybe if it worked out between us then maybe we could finally have a baby… She was offering so much… And I could only think that I wanted to run.”

Ray’s hands were on the back of his neck and he was looking up at the ceiling. He didn’t want to see Fraser’s reaction to his pitiful story.

“She said it’s not normal that I want to be around you so much…” He swallowed hard and dropped his head. “I told her it’s not like that… I said that she was wrong and that… hell, I said that maybe…”

His voice was refusing to cooperate. Like he couldn’t force the words out. Like if he said them it would make it happen.

“Um… I was thinking about the last two years and how much I wanted… something else this whole time… and I knew she’s right, you know? I knew there’s no way of… having what I actually wanted… And this thing with Stella, it was something I always wanted before… and it would make my parents happy too… So I said… I said alright…”

Fraser cleared his throat and stood up.

“Congratulations, Ray.” He picked up is hat of the floor where it lay beside Ray’s feet. “I told you that you love challenges. You were trying to get her back for years… You’ve made it.”

“Is that all you have to fucking say?!”

Fraser looked out the window and pulled on his ear.

“Well, Ray… It was very… “ He waved his hand for emphasis. “…encouraging to see you fight for what you wanted. I always admired your spirit and even though I wrongly believed it was a lost cause and often doubted that you’re able to get your wife back I nevertheless envied you your determination. I wished that maybe someday I could be a bit more like you in pursuing what I wanted.”

“How about this day?”

“I’m sorry?”

“How about you try today, Fraser? Not  _someday._  How does that sound?”

“It sounds… like a bad time.” Their eyes were locked now and Ray refused to turn his away.

“Is it ever a good time when it’s about something  _you_  want?”

“Ray…”

“Do you know how much a pound of nails weights on Pluto, Fraser?”

For a moment Fraser clearly tried to remember where had he heard that question before.

“6.4 ounces… Why are you asking me this again…?”

So Fraser remembered those days too; those awful few days when Ray thought Fraser would leave to Ottawa, or would leave Ray behind for Ray Vecchio… Days when Ray realised how much his friend really meant to him. How he couldn’t live without Fraser at his side every day. Days when he stupidly blurted it all out to Thatcher because he was afraid that if he didn’t tell someone, then he would tell it to Fraser and he couldn’t risk their friendship like that…

“Because it proves how stupid you are.”

Fraser huffed and tried to turn around but a surprisingly strong hand on his tie stopped him and pulled him closer to his partner.

“And do you know what’s right under your nose?”

Fraser’s eyes dropped to Ray’s mouth. He licked his lower lip and scratched his eyebrow.

“You know what else I remember, buddy?”

“No, Ray.”

“I remember how I asked you once to hand me some clothes when I was in the shower and you picked these. I didn’t think much of it at the time but then after I left the hospital I was wearing this pair of jeans and you checked me out. Today you said I looked good, and when I put my hands in my pockets you watched how they rode so low on my hips.”

Ray moved forward pushed his friend back down onto his chair and straddled Fraser’s thighs.

“Just like they do now…” Fraser’s eyes dropped down to his friend’s hips and legs, drinking in the view of faded blue jeans stretching when Ray’s thighs settled on his.

“And you licked your lips… just like you do now.”

It seemed that dragging his eyes away from the underwear showing over Ray’s pants was incredibly hard for the aroused Mountie, but he did look up.

“I’m a detective, you see. I notice things like that. I’m sure you know what colour my briefs are.”

“Ray…” He took Ben’s face in his hands and tried to stop it from turning away, forcing him to look into his eyes again. Fraser’s eyes were dark, and his gaze heavy.

“Black.” The answer was barely a whisper. Ray grinned and pecked Fraser’s lips, like he already did a few times before.

“Stella knows I lied to her in that café. She knows I wanted you, maybe she always knew.” The urge to do something with Fraser’s tie was becoming too strong to fight it, so Ray grabbed it and pulled to emphasize his next words. “Hell,  _Vecchio_  knew that I wanted you! And Welsh and Francesca too. Even my parents knew. And Dief! Only you were too stupid to see. How can you know how much a pound of nails weights on Pluto and you can’t see what’s right under your nose?”

“What if…” Fraser was looking at Ray’s lips but his hands now rested on the skinny detective’s hips, holding tight like it was his grip on reality. “What if I sometimes see things I want to see, Ray… things that are not real? When I see something I wanted to see it means it’s only in my head. I can’t remember even one single time in my whole life when things would go my way. I never,  _ever_ , get things I want, Ray. I just always have to learn how to cope without them. Why would it change now? What are the chances?”

“I don’t know. I follow hunches, buddy. You know that. But no more coping. Not for me and definitely not for you.”

That big, fearless man under Ray was trembling so the blond leaned down and kissed his forehead.

“You have no clue do you, big guy?”

“About what, Ray?” Fraser’s voice was hoarse and broken.

“About this…” Ray was desperate. He never felt so hopeless with his words. How was he supposed to voice something that was so far beyond his understanding.

“…how I can’t even think about you being away from me, because when I do I literally lose my mind… it happened during Maldoon case and it happened now when I talked to Stella. And you still don’t believe?” Ray took Fraser’s face in his hands again, pleading with is eyes for understanding everything he couldn’t explain.

“Don’t you get it? I never needed anyone or anything like I need you… because I need you to even  _be_ , you know? It’s like when you’re not around I’m not here either. I’m not me. I…  I suck with words and the one I should probably use doesn’t even begin to cover what I feel because it’s so not enough to describe it. It’s not just love, Benton. It’s madness. totally fucked up and… You have to have me Fraser. You have to because I’m yours anyway.”

“Ray…?” Fraser’s hands moved to touch Ray’s face too, softly, lovingly. “Ray, is this for real?” He surprised a laugh out of Ray with these words.

“Yea, I hope so. If it’s not I don’t want to ever wake up.”

Finally Ray leaned in and kissed Ben for real, drowning breathlessly in his immediate response, accompanied with a low, needy growl. It made Ray’s head spin. Fraser was kissing him back. His tongue was in Ray’s mouth, plunging forward as if it tried to get inside Ray through his throat. But the rest of the Mountie remained restrained and unmoving. His hands didn’t dare to move from his partner’s face, didn’t touch. Ray on the other hand was beyond himself with ideas. He was moving on top Fraser, writhing in pleasure, rubbing his forming erection over the taunt stomach muscles below him. He could feel stirring in the Canadian’s pants too but it was hardly there, Fraser surely trying to keep his need at bay. It was something he was good at, right?

“Look Fraser, I’m not letting you go. Ever. You try to run – I follow. I go where you go. I have enough of this stupid pretending that we’re friends. We were not since Maldoon, or honestly since Henry Allen. You said that nothing changed then but I knew something did. I don’t want to pretend anything anymore. And I know you want it too.”

And then Fraser was kissing  _him_. Ray only realised that when the need to breath hit him and seriously he considered suffocating and dying perfectly happy.

“Ray…”

Fraser’s his hands were back on Ray’s hips, his lips the detective’s neck tracing kisses toward his collarbone. They stopped on his pulse enjoying how it was speeding up with every heartbeat, before moving lower to suck on Ray’s skin, leaving it wet, red trembling with pleasure.

He didn’t protest when Ray’s hands moved to battle the buckles of his Sam Browne. After about a minute of struggling Ray felt Fraser’s head move from his neck down between them to help Ray with the tedious task of ‘disarming’ the uniform. He glanced down at what he was doing with the leather straps and froze, his breath stuck in his lungs at the sight. Pink tip of Ray’s already leaking erection was peeking out at them from his loose jeans and briefs, just below his navel and it seemed to make Fraser’s mouth water.

“God Ray…”

The responding bulge dug into Ray’s ass from below him and he yelped ungraciously surprised.

“I’m sorry…” Ray ignored Fraser’s apology and positioned himself directly over the warm hardness.

“I’m not.”

Fraser pulled his head back, pointing his eyes to the ceiling, trying to breathe and not look at Ray, who was grounding against him now more boldly, hands busy with quickly removing already unbuckled belts, and undoing shiny buttons of Fraser’s tunic. Very reluctantly Ben’s hands moved from Ray’s hips to the small of his back, carefully testing new territory, kind of weary of Ray’s response.

“Just touch me, you dummy.”

Luckily, as dumb as he sometimes really was, Fraser didn’t need to be told  _this_  twice. Pushing the tunic off of Fraser’s shoulders and arms Ray marvelled at the way Fraser looked in this shirt, suspenders and …oh, gods, the tie. They started to kiss again, rutting against each other. Ray’s skinny ass fitted perfectly into Fraser’s big hands.

Fraser was in a middle of taking Ray’s T-shirt off when he heard the door open.

Immediately he pulled his partner’s shirt down and turned away from a particularly passionate kiss they were sharing. Ray smiled seeing that there was sweat already forming on the Mountie’s creased forehead. The he frowned himself when he realized  that he was being subtly but efficiently pushed off Fraser’s laps.

“Sir…?” As soon as the Canadian made sure Ray was more or less steady on is feet he stood at attention, facing the door. Then it hit him that in this situation he should better remain seated, even in front of his superior officer. It was better than presenting the ‘full salute’.

Thatcher apparently shared this sentiment because she quickly put her hands up. “Please, don’t get up!”

Ray was leaning his ass on Fraser’s desk, facing away from the door, but he turned his head and nodded at the woman. Fraser was desperately trying to make himself look presentable, but his sleeves were unbuttoned so he rolled them up, and the tie was half loose and for some reason he couldn’t fix it.

“Sir, I…. I apologize…”

“It’s alright, Fraser. I just…. Forgot my… um…” She pointed to the door of her office and forced out a tight smile. Looking at the handsome brunet - the joy and bane of her existence, she finally sighed like she was really tired with life and rubbed her forehead.

“So…” She glared half-heartedly at the blond detective. “Kowalski, huh? I never liked him.”

Ray snorted and even though he was not in a mood to make small talk …

“Yeah, likewise!”

“Sir, I really…”

“Don’t, Fraser…. Just don’t. I just came for my… um… Ok, I don’t even remember anymore.”

“Sir, please…” He almost stood up this time before she stopped him.

“Fraser!” He did shut up. Ray was watching him from his position on the desk. Ben’s face was flushed and his overall look dishevelled and devilishly sexy. How hard it must have been for Thatcher to see him like this with someone else…? 

“Fraser, I… I’m taking a transfer to Ottawa. Please, file a request first thing in the morning.”

“Sir?”

“There’s no reason for me to stay stuck here, Corporal. And you deserved a promotion. You know how to run this place better than me and my office is certainly more comfortable.”

She turned back to the door but paused with her hand on the handle. When she looked back at Fraser again her eyes were burning with emotion. She opened her mouth to say something but eventually closed them and smiled, the fire in her eyes barely smouldering.

“And keep an eye on the new guy. He’s even crazier than Thurnbull.”

“…yes, Sir.”

Both men were left gaping at the closed door in a heavy silence.

But not for long.

“I’m still hard, Benton…”

Fraser jumped to his feet and ran to the door to lock it. Once he made sure that all bolts were in place he was back to his hot and bothered friend. He pushed the smaller man further onto the desk and stared at the red tip now even more prominently showing from Ray’s pants. His hands were planted firmly on the desktop on Ray’s sides and the blond couldn’t help but stare at the strong forearms bared under the rolled up sleeves.

When their eyes met for a moment it was like a bolt of lightning shooting through the detective’s body. Ben’s pupils were huge, making his eyes dark and wild, shining with want. Ray only managed to whimper before the black haired head sank down to his crotch and a curious tongue started to play with his leaking hard on.

“Oh fuck!”

Ben’s lips and tongue teased the tip, not even brushing Ray’s length, but even his hot breath alone was a caress enough to bring Ray to the verge of coming. He tried to lift his hips, seek more contact, but those damn hands kept him immobile, no matter how much he tried. The only thing that Fraser allowed him do was parting his legs to give the taller man better access.

“Ben…! You’re killing me…”

Rey let his head drop to the desk as he gave up all fight for a moment to catch a breath. He could feel his shirt going up again, revealing his stomach, ribs and finally nipples. Fraser started from the top, sucking first one nipple and pinching the other one. Then he kissed his way down scraping his teeth over Ray’s ribs and then stomach. Then the tongue was back and it was raping Ray’s navel.

“Beeeeen!...”

“Yes, Ray?” Fraser answered only after leaving a small bite mark on Ray’s left hipbone.

“Don’t be a dick.” Ray tied to frown but he just closed his eyes and moaned because Fraser was nipping at his testicles through his jeans. He wanted to explode. He spread his legs as far as they would go and took fistfuls of his partner’s shirt, trying to hold onto his shoulders. Fraser’s hands finally gave up their vicious grip on him and moved to undo the buttons of Ray’s fly but the blond was already panting and whimpering, hardly keeping himself together, when Ben started to mouth his erection through his briefs.

“I’m gonna…” Fraser’s lips wee away in an instant.

“Not yet, Ray.” Fraser moved up to calm and distract his friend with a kiss, trying not to press down on him to prevent friction. Suddenly Ray’s pants were around his thighs and Fraser’s hand, already slick with something, was on his shaft, rubbing slowly up and down making Ray lose his breath.

“What is this? Is it something weird and stinky?”

“It’s neatsfoot oil, Ray. It has no smell.”

“Good. Oil’s good. Greatness. What’s a neatfoot? Is it a flower?”

"...No, Ray."

"But it is a plant, right? It's not like it's actualy made of feet, huh?"

Ben didn’t answer; just fisted Ray harder.

“Fuck… Ben… I can’t take it anymore…”

“Just one more thing, Ray.” The Canadian moved away from Ray and grabbed his legs, lifting them up and spreading apart. Now, Ray had seen Fraser lick things, weird things and disgusting things, but he still didn’t expect to feel the Mountie’s tongue invading his hole.

“Fuck…” His voice was breaking into sobs but there wasn’t much he could do about it, because Fraser’s lips were still down there, sucking his entrance in rhythm with the thrusting moves of that slick, sinful muscle.

Ray grabbed the base of his cock and squeezed, sopping his impending release.

“Don’t fight it, Ray. Just let go.”

Ray whimpered one more time before he managed to force any words out.

“Let go? Are you out of you freaking mind? I didn’t wait two years to have you fuck me with your tongue, Fraser!”

“Ray, you’re not…”

“If I hear one more of your ‘assumptions’ I’ll tie you to a chair with your tie and gag you.”

“But...” Before Fraser got another word out Ray was already taking his tie so he stopped Ray’s desperate actions with another kiss.

"Maybe some other time then." His hands once again took Ray by surprise when one slick finger brushed over his puckered muscles and pushed just a tip in.

“Ah...” That small sound Ray had made was somehow even more embarrassing that his earlier sobs, but soon he made more of those, feeling as the finger moved further in, stretching his walls slowly but purposively.

“Try to relax, Ray…”

“I… Ah… Hey, that’s… actually not so bad.” He could feel his face getting as red as a tomato. The stinging and the stretching wasn’t something he could feel excited about but… but… it was starting a fire in him and flames were rising higher with every move of Ben’s fingers… plural, because apparently somewhere between one reassuring kiss and the other Ben added a second finger.

Ray had a lot of fantasies about Fraser fucking him and there was always this lingering certainty that Ray would not exactly enjoy the whole thing. It was mostly about making Fraser feel good and wanted and loved. Now Ray was starting to feel kind of guilty and selfish because if you ignored the slight discomfort it really felt good and Ray didn’t want Fraser to stop.

“I think you’re ready Ray.”

“Don’t stop…”

“Ray….?”

“I’m sorry. Go on.”

Fraser slowly pushed in, and it did hurt, to the point of making Ray scream in pain. Fraser waited for Ray to adjust a bit but soon he started to roll his hips, with feral growls on his lips. If the fingers were like fire, Ray had no comparison to describe the heat of Fraser’s member. It throbbed in Ray’s insides sending tremors of unfamiliar pleasure through his whole feverish body. He was never so completely at any one else's mercy. He never felt so vulnerable and and simply owned. But since it was Benton owning him, it was all Ray would ever want from life.

Ben’s moves became bolder and thrusts deeper Ray was once again too close to the peak. He tried to say something but he wasn’t even mumbling, just whimpering and moaning while Fraser pounded into his prostate until his whole body fell apart and melted in pleasure.

When Ray finally found some strength to open his eyes he saw Fraser’s face, sated, calm, pleasured and relaxed in a way Ray had never seen it. Once more those cold paws of guilt clutched over his heart, because while lost completely in his own pleasure he failed to see his lover’s completion. Fuck. He wanted to see it so much. He dreamed about it for years! He was such a dolt…

Fraser pulled him closer and kissed slowly, still in a daze of his orgasm. Ray’s head was spinning. Sitting position was less comfortable for Ray’s abused bottom, especially that it now rested in a small puddle of Fraser’s release. The big idiot didn’t do it inside of Ray. It was probably nice of him but it left Ray in slight state of… un-fulfilment. He wasn’t comfortable with the subject enough to address this issue yet, but it was on the list now and he would make Fraser explain and redress soon enough.

“You know, Benton, I had this hunch.”

“What kind of hunch, Ray?”

“That we would be really good together like this.”

He could feel Ben’s smile to the side of his neck, where he was currently leaving a hickey.

“Sounds like an assumption to me.”

“Hell no. I’m not you. I have hunches. And they’re always right, unlike your stupid assumptions.”

Fraser lifted his head and met Ray’s eyes.

“I would… love to hear more about your hunches then.”

“Ok, I have a hunch that you will refuse the promotion to take over the consulate and we’ll move to the Territories before the spring really comes up there.”

“You really want to move to the Territories?” Fraser sounded incredulous so Ray levelled him with a serious look.

“Are you staying in Chicago because of me?”

Fraser just nodded. It was obvious, wasn’t it? Ray was also stupid and blind to not see it. Fraser dreamed about going back to Canada but he stayed in Chicago in this tiny ugly room, just to be close to Ray.

Maybe he felt about leaving Ray just as Ray felt about leaving him…?

Ray’s heart swelled with emotion. He wanted be the one to make Fraser finally happy, to give him everything he was missing on in his whole life. Of course he had a hunch he could do it, but he still was afraid that maybe he wasn’t enough? Maybe Ben deserved more.

“I will do everything I can to make you happy, Benton. But you must tell me how, buddy, alright? I want to make you feel special… but how I can make feel special someone who is already so unbelievably handsome and sexy and is a super hero Mountie of Chicago? You ARE special without me doing anything…”

“Special? You’re the only person in the world that actually makes me feel relatively  _normal_ , Ray. I don’t want that to change. Please don’t ever change, Ray. And let  _me_  make  _you_  feel special.”

Ray didn’t change. He couldn’t even if he tried because this was what he was and he still sometimes couldn’t believe that it was also what Fraser wanted. Fraser also kept his word and did a lot of crazy things to make Ray feel on cloud nine. In the bullpen he was always at Ray side, touch him and showing to everyone who cared to look that Ray was his and he wanted Ray like he never wanted anything in the world.

Together they chose his posting in Inuvik and moved there in the next few weeks. Ray’s parents were not surprised but made them both promise to came back for Christmas.

Before their leaving Ray Vecchio and Stella were already mentioning some wedding plans and a bowling alley in California. It seemed that they were quite infatuated with each other. Ray fucking loved them both and wasn’t afraid to tell them just that, earning a disgusted look and a kiss to the forehead from Vecchio on the airport.

Call it a hunch or an assumption, but Ray knew that everything would be alright from then on because his heart was home no matter where life would throw them both. 

 

THE END  
  
Thank you for your time. I hope you enjoyed it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know that smut parts are usually at Ray's apartment. I chose the Consulate, but at least I wasn't cruel enough to sqeeze them in Fraser's 'office'. ;)
> 
> ps. Ray never learned how neatsfoot oil is made.


End file.
